Strained Relationship with MIL

Sneakers, your MIL sounds like mine was 35 - 40 years ago! My husband was a dutiful son, but he 'handled' her rather than have a warm relationship. When I went into hospital to have the babies (you were in for days then) he went to stay at my parents' house, even though his parents were closer! Ridiculous advice was proffered constantly, and she arranged for relatives to visit our house to see the baby without consulting us first. It came to a head over the christening when DD was 3 months old when she tried to dictate who would be invited, what the baby would wear and what I would make for the buffet. I told her in no uncertain terms where the boundaries were. After that, we had an uneasy, but civilised relationship with short visits and never without prior warning. It was partly cultural (MIL was from a traditional Northern family who lived in each other's pockets) and partly personality (she was a very needy person known in her neighbourhood as Hyacinth Bucket!) Unless she is absolutely monstrous, you are right to keep the relationship going. Even though, at times, I detested MIL and her silliness, I was keenly aware that the girls needed to have some sort of relationship with her, and I didn't want my poor husband to be piggy-in-the-middle. Sadly, my first husband died when he was 44. He didn't want to see his mother at the end, and, ironically, it was me who persuaded him to let her visit for one last time, and me who comforted her when he died. It might be, that like me, you have to be the grown-up in the relationship. I went on to remarry and have a very different relationship with MIL 2, which was a relief. Now I am a MIL myself, with a 22 month old GC whom I look after 2 days a week. I have a very warm and jocular relationship with SIL, but I never take it for granted, having had the experience I had all those years ago. Wishing you good luck and good judgement!

Probably just cross posted

That was to greatgranny.

Pardon????? Purplesneakers has been more than articulate in expressing what the problems are. It's good she has opened up the discussion and is contributing more and more information as she goes along.

I'm afraid your MIL, as loving as she is, is one of those Grans who can't seem to grasp that the baby is yours, and you have a right to organise your family life as you see fit.

What is it with women who push to have solitary time with the baby e.g. overnight babysitting? Not just would like to, don't we all, but to be actively pushing and trying wear the young couple down?

We get any number of Grans on here bemoaning the fact that DIL/DD/DS favour the other Gran, don't allow full access, and generally feeling shut out. They need to let go - be supportive and offer babysitting & help and leave it at that.

You and DH do need to have a conversation with MIL, before you lose patience and become estranged.

You don't say what the problems are, so it is hard to know how to respond or to advise.

Oh dear, definitely differing expectations and also different needs as individuals. I can understand your concerns purple, it sounds as if your mother in law can be very overwhelming. Although being a first time grandmother is so very exciting I think I would want her to back off a bit as well.

Underneath she does want to help and that is far better than indifference. I wonder if you and your husband could think through a clear strategy for now, it will change as your son gets older I am sure. If you can plan some granny-time that is OK with you both you will have supported the beginning of a relationship with her grandson while staying relaxed yourselves. Then it's hold firm and ignore the rest.

I wonder if it's easier to go to her, are the arriving and departing boundaries easier to manage, although of course you have to transport all the baby gear which is never easy. It sounds as if your husband and his siblings do a bit of muttering about their Mum. I wouldn't worry too much about what she says, all that maters is that you work out something that suits you. Your mother in law so wants to be part of your family, I hope she will get to see that by backing off a bit she will actually have more. Stay patient if you can, hold the boundaries, let her help when it suits you. I really hope it settles for you all.

Radicalnan thanks for your perspective. I'm sure my MIL finds me a bit cold too but love can be expressed in multiple ways. MIL and I have different ways of expressing it, which means I find her 'smothering' and she may find me 'distant'.

I'm not changing my personality (nor do I want her to) but I would like advice on how to build a bridge so we can all get along together.

As for your final comment, the mother that 'made him' is the one he is currently wanting to go low contact with. That is his choice, I would prefer a more amicable solution.

Thanks Bobbysgirl
I very much would like to get things back on track, so we can both enjoy our new roles as parent and grandparent.

It is difficult to have such a conversation when fundamentally it is a case of her wanting to be more involved with our family then we feel comfortable with. I agree with pp that time might help soften this message.

Gosh, too much love and attention..what a cow she must be.

Is there such thing as too much love? You carry on being 'an independent private person' and see where that gets you.

You 'do not need another mother' maybe you don't but kids need all the grandparents they can get and love........

It is just the way another fmaily runs itself inviting people round etc. You like visitors 'at you conveience'.........crack on lovely, it all sounds a little cold to me.

If you love you husband........what made him the man he is? That mother and that family.........

Also for more info, my family is overseas and have not yet met the baby! They will be here soon for a few weeks (staying in a hotel).

Sorry, our posts crossed. Your last one adds more info.

Oh dear it does sound like some things need 'airing' between you. The relationship between your husband and MIL sounds strained at the moment, you said she wasn't respecting boundaries and this has impacted on time spent together.

It does however sound like her offers of help, and your refusals could be a tad hurtful especially as you have such an outstanding relationship with your own family.

You ask for advice from 'seasoned grandparents' and mine would be to try and 'build bridges' whilst you still can. The years have a habit of flying by, and the longer things are left they can sometimes become non repairable.

Best of luck, it does sound as if you want to do something positive, by the fact that you've asked for opinions.

With respect to the boundaries I mentioned: DH was quite upset he needed to talk (and talk and talk again) to his mum about over night babysitting (we don't want any just yet), having to arrange suitable times to visit, respecting our decisions as parents and accepting no ("we're not available at that time", "we don't want to host, lets all meet out at a cafe", "thanks but I'm fine settling the baby). After an argument or talk, he has then discovered that she has complained about him and his 'rules' to his siblings. His siblings find his mum hard work and they are thankful we were the first to have a baby.

She did help out for a few days right after the birth. It was nice to have help, but it was exhausting dealing with her - we haven't invited her for an over night stay since then. She has offered (lots) and we have kindly declined.

We since found it she greatly exaggerated her help to other family members. Which we just found weird.

Well, she is making an effort albeit somewhat OTT in your eyes.

Yes, tell her how you feel, what sort of a person you are, what boundaries she needs to respect, and if she is loving, like you say, she will understand. Many of us wish we could have had a MiL who showed an ounce of interest!

Thanks for your responses everyone. I really appreciate the different view points.

To elaborate for Cornergran the behaviour that we are finding difficult is Mil's tendency to be overbearing, too frequent and too long phone calls, asking intrusive (in my opinion) questions, lots of unsolicited advice, inviting herself and other family members to our house (we prefer to host at our convenience).

In short, it all stems from my loving but over-emotional MIL wanting a different type of grandparent role than the one that is evolving. She would like to be more intimately involved and needed. She would love to treat me the same as her daughter, which sounds nice in practice, but for an independent and private person like me it is overwhelming and her love and attention often feels smothering.

I would like to be good friends. I do not need another mother.

I've taken on board the suggestion to have an open discussion. I'm not afraid of conflict but I am very wary of hurting her. I think a lot of her behaviour stems from fear. Fear of not being shut out from our lives, fear of not being close to her grandkids, fear of losing contact with her son... Her fear adds a drama and intensity to her interactions with us - which is why it is easier to deal with her in a group setting.

I think we need to know a bit more of the background.

I think we all have to look at ourselves to understand each situation, but on the whole supportive, loving, unselfish GPs are rewarded by having quality time with their GCs. The ones who want it all on their terms or who offer to help in a begrudging way are not helpful. Some GPs, and we have experience of this, just want to be paraded using their GCs as trophies.

It would be interesting to have some insight into the behaviour of this lady.

How sad not to ever have "alone time" with GC, I wonder why Sue avoids this? Having time alone with GC is lovey for the GPs, GC and their parents. I cherish the times I spend with GD, teaching her to bake, taking her fishing, to the cinema etc, all activities her busy working parents aren't able to do with her. Obviously any activity is checked first with parents, before any arrangements are made.

My post was following on from Ankers.

Same here. And don't feel I can comment until we know.

I think it is incredibly sad not to have time alone with grandchildren.
Nine months is very young- people seem to be at their worst at the baby stage. It all gets better when the child can walk, talk and have decided views of their own.
I would just carry on as you are and see how it pans out- the distance helps.

I cant help wondering what your mil has done?

We had that constant complaint, "wish I lived nearer so I could see you more often," but MiL never bothered to visit us even when we were struggling with the kids and DH in hospital. It was always DH who had to go and fetch her and take her back, yet she could get herself away on holidays around the world quite easily. I would advise just getting together when it is necessary and pretty much forgetting her the rest of the time. It's good your husband feels the same way too, mine was dutiful but nothing beyond that.
eddiecat makes an interesting observation that a GP should be given the chance to put things right. We so wish MiL could just turn round and say one nice thing like, "you've done well raising your GCs," but it never happens because some people are selfish and only see things from their own perspective. Keep the contact low key, your child will know she exists but will never get to know her anyway.

You never have time alone with your grandchildren Sue ?

That's incredibly sad .

I think Corner makes some very good points Purple , good luck