Strained Relationship with MIL

It all sounds a bit tense, purplesneakers, a shame for you all. I'm not sure what it is exactly that you and your husband are finding inappropriate and difficult to be with. I wonder, though, if the basis could be a difference in expectation. We all create pictures in our heads of how things are going to be and then are surprised when others don't have the same picture. Is it that your mother in law is full of 'suggestions' about your son that seem critical? If so that is likely to be a misunderstanding about current thinking about babies rather than real criticism. Or I hope it is! Or does she have vastly differing expectations of how much time she will spend with you and your son? I'm wondering what boundaries are being crossed.

You are trying to see it from her viewpoint, which is wonderful. Would it be possible for there to be a gentle chat about how it is for you all? I guess all us grandparents get it wrong at times, no I don't guess, I know we do. The vast majority of mothers in law want a good relationship with their daughter in law, or indeed son in law, sometimes they just don't understand how to do it and need a bit of help. I have my fingers crossed for you all. Of course for now spend time with your mother in law in a way that feels acceptable, but do have a think about moving things on through conversation. If there can be changes thathelp you all then that will be wonderful, if not you will have tried. Wishing you all well.

As your baby gets older you will be busier and there will be less opportunities to meet up with her anyway. I think it would be reasonable to stick to family get-togethers when your husband is also present. Please do try to talk to her about all of this - or get your husband to. The thing that most upsets grandparents is when they are cut off without explanation and without the chance to put things right. She might be hurt initially but in the long run it will be for the best

If a dil isn't family, who is? However, I as a mil respect the boundaries, I don't drop in, there when needed, never give advice unless asked, make sure that everything I say is positive and acknowledge she comes first for my son. I tread carefully which doesn't come naturally to me. I loved my mil and this is how she treated me and I was glad about it. Purple sneakers, where she is now, is where you will be down the line, bit of distance and time will sort it out.

I never have alone time with my grandchildren or children in-law, I am not their mum and I like my children to be in the same basic space for any disputes.

OBTW, my other side of the dynamic, as a GP, I refuse to engage on differences with children in-law. I have full up adult children and we all keep the peace by walking on eggshells around in-law expectations.

I'd say accept differences and back away because as you say mil has harmed the relationship with her son and he has backed off. MiL's not your family and the distance is a huge blessing, let those factors work for you.