Strained Relationship with MIL

I think the whole "I don't need another mother" is not very nice at all. I've been through feeling the way you do. My MIL was VERY domineering, but I've learned to not be so uptight, she just really loves her son and grandchildren, what's wrong with that? As the mother of four boys I try to treat my Mother in law as equal to my own mother......looking to the future and the way I would really like to be treated. It would be heartbreaking to want to spend time with my grandchildren but not be treated on an equal par to the other grandparent.

Sounds tricky purple. She doesn't sound like the easiest character to have in your life.

Take it from a mum of 3 with parents overseas and PIL who show zero interest in their grandchildren that, even if you don't want to/are not ready to abdicate responsibility for LO just yet, you will be. It's then that you will be tremendously grateful to anybody prepared to give you some time to yourself/with your hubby or even The possibility of going to a doctors appointment without your LO in tow.
This is what makes me think that a MIL who wants to be overly involved is preferable to one who has GC at the low end of her priority list.

Unfortunately, purple, your MIL is not going to change her personality especially at her age, although she could tone down her over-enthusiasm.

If she lives 10 hours away you won't be seeing that much of her so I think it is a case of keeping on smiling. When DGS is a bit older you could perhaps let him stay with her for a couple of nights if he wants to.

Smileless, it's wonderful that young woman was friendly to you again. But you're nothing like purple's pushy mil that I can see. I don't think any of the regulars here are.

Purple, if you are still reading, you sound like a very warm, considerate dil. I hope everything works out for you.

Am I the only one, people, or did anyone else notice that dh has already tried talking to mil? If that didn't help, how would Purple's talking to her do any better?

Also, I don't see where any "door" has been "shut," etc. They are on lc - they see mil on occasion and usually in large groups. She's not getting to see them anywhere near as much as she wants, but she sees them. She would probably like to be with just Purple, dh and baby or even to have baby alone, sometimes. But her behavior and refusal to curb it has made that impossible. Still she's NOT co.

The 10-hour drive is formidable, of course. But, hopefully, she doesn't make it if Purple can't meet up with her or has other activities planned so it's not all dependent on that. But frankly, it's a little ott which is just another example of her overwhelming attitude. In fact, Purple, you may be confusing her by agreeing to meet up some of the time. It would probably be better to decline all these invitations and just stick to seeing her with dh and baby in larger groups. It's not as if you asked her to make that loooong drive. And if she sees that you never accept those "let's do lunch" requests, maybe she'll stop doing that. Better for her as well as you.

I don't think it's a good idea for you to have more contact with mil than dh does in this situation. He may resent it - or he may be counting on it to make up for his lc, and you may come to resent that. It's lovely to be a good dil, but it's more important to be a good dw.

A lovely post Crafting. A couple of weeks ago I bumped into a young lady who was friends with ES and his wife. We knew her and her husband well and got on with them very well.

When we saw them after we'd been CO to say she was cool would be an understatement. She'd always speak to me all be it reluctantly but one occasion cut Mr. S. dead. When I saw her coming toward me, I knew I'd smile as I've always done but didn't expect much of a response.

To my surprise she stopped and struck up a conversation and it was only after several minutes that I realised she was pregnant with her first child. Before we went our separate ways, we hugged one another.

The change in her attitude toward me was huge, we were as we used to be. I can't help but think that now she's carrying her own child, now she's seen her parents and parents in law sheer joy as they await the arrival of their first GC, she's thought on a much deeper level about what our ES and his wife have done to us, cutting us out and denying us our GC and them their GP's. Perhaps she now sees what a terrible thing it is that they've done.

eddiecat78 yes you are correct but the grandson in question is rapidly growing and developing and I am sure this is what Gemmag has in mind when she suggests actions rather than words..

Gemmag - you are being rather harsh to PurpleSneakers - if you had read all of her posts you would see that she is very keen to forge a good relationship with her MIL. Quite a few of us wish that PurpleSneakers was our DIL!
She also said some days ago that she is not going to post again so any comments made directly to her are now pointless

PurpleSneakers. You need to sit down with your MiL and have a 'heart to heart' with her. She is your baby's Granny and nothing you do will ever change that. The fact that she is prepared to travel 10 hours which probably entails a stopover shows how much she wants to see her DG.

You mention boundaries that your son has set, how sad is that!. You make her sound as if she's some kind of monster that you don't want to be around. It's fine not to have a lot in common with her, it's quite possible that she doesn't like you much either.
She is not coming to see you, she just wants to see her DG, her very first. It's not as if she lives on your doorstep and you see a lot of her. Why can't you be a bit more generous, surely it can't be that difficult.

I just hope that you do not find yourself in a similar situation one day, it would then be too late for regrets.

Please show a little more kindness to your MiL.

I agree. Crafting has beautifully placed the focus back on the infant.

Crafting very nice post.

I think that is a lovely post too Crafting

Just be thankful that your MIL is over-exuberant rather than nasty, wants to spend time with you rather than ignoring you all and leave you thinking 'why doesn't she love her DGC?'.

You will have to carefully and kindly define your boundaries but don't exclude her please.

As for marrying the man, not the family, Bibbity, that is not possible imo. My MIL was quite different to my DM but that gave me a different perspective on mothering, my BIL and SisIL are great company although we don't see much of them, my DB's wife is like an older sister, as is my other SisIL.

As for the families of DDIL and DSIL - I hope they have expanded our horizons and become our friends.

Lovely post Crafting. Nothing more to say. If only all DIL's would use your advice as a starting point when problems arise.

I guess what you are asking for here is how can you and MiL find a compromise. At present her expectations and yours a too wide. She is very wrong to complain about you but in some families that seems to be the norm.

I think honest speaking is the only way here. She may be hurt and offended at first, but if you are clear that you want her to have a loving relationship with her grandchild she will hopefully see sense.

I think I would speak of only one or two things that irk you rather than go in with a list. Begin I think with this obsession with the overnighting. Don't give a reason just say it won't be happening. She may ask 'don't you trust me?' Of 'I want to form a close bond, you live so far away'. As a lawyer, i am sure you don't need me to tell you not to engage. There has to be some reward for your MiL. Is there anything that she would like to do that is not too difficult for you to agree to.

My own MiL used to very generously buy liadsof inappropriate, old fashioned clothes, in the wrong sizes for my children. One day I asked her if she would take the, shoe shopping for me to Clarks. She was delighted, stopped buying daft clothes and asked frequently if they needed shoes. Quite often they did not but I let her take them and buy them.

purplesneakers, no advice from me just a request that you do one thing.

Sit down quietly with your baby son on your own, take a good look at him, feel the love in your heart and try to imagine a time in the future when you may not love him as much as you do now. I bet you can't.

Now imagine him grown up with a baby of his own. I believe (even though you might not think it possible) that you will love that grandchild as much as you do your own son. That grandchild will be as prescious to you as the baby in your arms at this moment. Now think about what would happen if your beloved sons wife didn't want you around. Think how you would feel. Try and imagine this sad, frightened caring person is your MIL and do your best to work things out for all of you. Babies are babies for such a short time. Your MIL knows this and is trying to spend some time with him. Why don't you phone her and ask her to fix a date to come over when it's just you and the baby (please not when your friends are there). When she's leaving, make another date so that she has something to look forward to. Please be kind.

Good luck.

One more point - when you marry someone, that person isn't just an individual, his/her family is an integral part of him/her.
Whether they've been "CO" or not.

What a sad and worrying thread. It seems to me that all the adults involved here need to take a step back and think this through from the infants perspective. With all due respect I think the OP really is trying to address this situation, but it reads more like the preparation for a court appearance and everyone needs to change but her.

There is so much wisdom here from other posters much of which is met with the 'ah but' phenomenon by the OP, instead of embracing challenge, spontaneity and the inevitable disruption having a baby brings. We know having a baby changes life for ever, and the independence and control of career woman status is challenged in so many ways.

There seems to be a MIL here who is distressed, proud, excited, confused. It is her first GC and there is no rule book. She is feeling her way and sounds lost as far as I can see. The possible estrangement of this lady from your child's life is unfair, and if the adults involved do not start acting in the child's best interests I think it sad. And yes, the OP does need to look at her behavioural reactions instead of looking at how things were before the baby arrived . That situation has gone forever. You have all moved on and relationships need reviewing. It is not just the responsibility of the OH. You are a family are you not?

Good points Momof3
Purplesneakers is to be commended for trying to sort it out and for listening.
Being kind goes a long way. I never understand those who say 'she is your mother- you get the present'- She is far more likely to get a present that she will really like if I get it!

Faye. Letica and Momof3

It's truly heartwarming to read through your posts. i'm sure Purplesneakers will find them helpful. Have nothing more to add, you've said it all.

Purple sneakers you sound very balanced but unless there is a back story it sounds like a good chat over a bottle of wine would be enough. She sounds OTT but loving and obviously wants to help. I am a mom not a grandmother my children are older and I have seen a lot of families in my profession.

Your mother in law lives 10 hours drive away she misses her son and grandchild and just wants to feel involved and loved. She can not just drop in I think all this can be better managed and if you're going out
just take your mother in law with you. If
I had plans or a group to go to my late mother in law used to just come with me she liked and enjoyed it.

There a lot of people in here who are forgetting that times have changed as well as everyone's family is different not everyone has a super close, dropping in all the time kids running in between family houses. I don't and for me to have been expected to fit in with that kind of
family would have been incredibly
intimidating.

It does take a village but even with a village there is a line of command that should
start with the parents and it should include the whole community not just the family.
Times have changed we are not young mothers more. I was 30 when I had my first child. We are experienced independent women which is how we have been brought up to be and that deserves to be respected. Medical advice has changed which has revolutionised baby care for the better and that needs to be listened to and not dismissed.

The pressure on grandparents also needs to ease, as a consequence of women having children later grandparents are older. Most grandparents might have just finished work.

My late mother is law used to look after my sister in laws little boy but never felt able to say she felt unwell because she was scared she would have to stop looking after him. As a consequence she died after seeking help too late for her to be treated effectively.

I only found out after cleaning the house after she died and the house was not as clean as I know she would have wanted it to be.

Of you course you marry into a family. When my son married his wife got his parents, grandparents, cousins, aunts, old family friends etc etc - we have no intention of being airbrushed out so that his wife can conveniently think him a foundling!
Thankfully we do not have the sort of family where we are 'his responsibility'. We actually all get on well and she is just part of the family.
I never understand why it would be different. My husband often stayed with my mother without me if he was in her area on business. I spent a lot of time on my own with his father. I do things on my own with my daughter- in-law that wouldn't interest my son.
We are certainly not going to be shaken off- we are there for life!
I think that Faye has a good point. Children do as you do so if you hold in-laws at arms length, think they are not your responsibility then this is what they will do in their turn. If everyone was welcome and they never saw a difference between maternal and paternal grandparents then this is the pattern they will expect.

Purplesneakers, you said along the lines of...you wished your MIL knew that after your DH she is the one you talk to most on the phone and you don't like talking on the phone. Why don't you tell her? She can't read your mind.

None of us own our DC, parents have the care and upbringing of their young DC but they can't tell them who to love. I feel very sorry for DC who at the whim of their DPs are denied the love and company of loving GPs. I equally feel sorry for DC who have to spend time with GPs who are not kind and loving.

Also you say you will chose who looks after your children. Often GPs are invaluable in situations such as: a child is sick and needs to be in bed all day and the working parents can't get time off. When a child or a parent is in hospital and another adult pair of hands are needed. Working or sick parents who appreciate another pair of hands to catch up on the washing and cleaning the house and caring for children. School holidays when both parents are working and school age DC want to be able to spend time at home or at GPs, not left at a child minders. Don't knock a kind, caring GP, they are family and really do care. You can still use child minders, but don't expect them to drop everything to help you out of hours.

Watch out that life doesn't send you some life lessons and your husband's boundaries and your intensive MIL might start to look very different. Has the thought ever occurred to you you might be teaching your DC how to treat you in the future when you are the GP.

Perhaps I am alone in wondering why this isn't her DH's problem. Why is it necessary for PurpleSneakers to speak to her mil? Surely her DH can speak to his mum.

If it were reversed would DH be held to the same standard - of being the go between? Does Purple Sneakers have to go to tea with her FIL (his dad) and her DH with his PIL (her mum or dad)?

I married one man. - true

I made no promise to his family at all - again true

I have no obligation or responsibility to them - I would like to think that everyone has obligations, and some responsibility to their inlaws, though I appreciate each family and/or culture does things differently.

The reality is we cannot shake off the inlaws, no matter how hard we try!
They become part and parcel of everyday life.

Last sentence was addressed to purplesneakers of course!