" You don't love your grandchild enough!"

Fair point trisher but they can afford a nursery (if they can find a place for 2 days a week) if DIL wants to go back to work to keep her place on the career ladder. Then there may be another baby, or two and another lot of maternity leave.
That's a whole other discussion, though, as someone who has had to pick up the pieces whilst a colleague had two lots of maternity leave plus lots of time off sick when pregnant ........ came back for a week then went off on permanent sick .....

It is the thought that seems to be prevalent nowadays that grandparents, who probably made many sacrifices re career, finance etc when bringing up their own children, should be overwhelmingly delighted to be offered the opportunity to do all the childcare for DGC whilst the parents carry on with their own lives as before.

I'm in the no camp too. We did look after our first two grandchildren one day a week, but that was ten years ago, I just wouldn't feel confident enough now that I could do it again, we are just not as fit as we were. I do feel guilty though, as our latest grandchild goes one day a week to the other grandparents and I know that my daughter would have preferred it to be me, although she does understand.

Day6 This has been an interesting discussion and am glad you carried on and participated.

Can I just add, why are parents jubilant when their children go back to school after long holidays, and why are childminders relieved when Friday 5pm arrives? Because they get a bit of freedom from the responsible, tiring routine of childcare, that's why. They rejoice in the freedom from care.

How often do grandparents write here that they are glad to hand back their grandchildren?

Can we agree that child care is a massive responsibility and very tiring too?

It comes with the territory when you become a parent. Should grandparents feel obliged to sign up for that commitment all over again?

Trisher, your remarks suggest I am a reluctant carer when with my grand children. I am nothing of the sort. I throw myself into the role wholeheartedly.

I have been a granny for six years now. I have raised four children of my own too, so I know all about making everyday mundane situations into fun games. We laugh, giggle do lots together and I am probably guilty of spoiling the children a little too, because I love them dearly.

However, the tie and responsibility of childcare is very real. It's that which is not my favourite thing. If I had a choice between a day to do whatever I wanted, when I wanted, or the obligation of getting up early, packing my bags with meds and other necessary bits and pieces and driving with OH through the rush hour traffic of TWO towns so we could be with a five month old, and feed him, change his nappy, coo over him, stimulate him, watch a bit of daytime TV, change him, feed him, coo over him, wrap him up to go for a walk, sooth him..etc, etc, etc and be stuck there until 6pm, and then drive almost thirty miles back home in heavy traffic, I'd choose a day to myself. I do find being stuck with that routine quite boring and confining, and so does OH.

Given most of my life, until last summer was about raising children, alone, working full time, caring for a frail, elder!y parent, and supporting my adult children, their children and now the family of the youngest grandchild, we have no qualms in feeling life should be our own now, for the limited time we have left. Don't we all have more days behind us than we do in front of us?

I Iove the baby dearly, he is a joy. We will continue to support his parents when they need us, but we don't want to do it on a regular basis, that's all.

I know how to make mud pies, cornflake cakes, rockets from toilet roll holders, I know Peppa Pig's family tree, and that Mildred Hubble is the Worst Witch and I can laugh when little one decides to soak me with a jet as I change his nappy. I too put on my wellies to splash in puddles and kick up fallen Autumn leaves.

I am not a reluctant granny. We just, for once in our lives, choose freedom over the responsibility of a commitment every week to childcare. To be accused of ' not loving him enough' is quite hurtful.

No. I love my GDs to bits and have often looked after them, both with a bit of warning and in an emergency, sometimes for as long as a week. I'm only 65 but do find it exhausting to look after children, both when they are babies and when they are a little older. As it happens we don't live near enough to do weekly childcare, but I'm not sure that I would want such a regular arrangement in any case.

Your DIL does not have to work and I gather she earns enough to pay for regular child care in any case. Personally I think that it is very good for children to spend a lot of time with others of their own age.

I think that parents (who are much younger than grandparents, and used to the demands of babies) perhaps do not always appreciate how demanding older people find childcare.

Is there another issue here? How did you step son feel about his father marrying again & you as a step mum? Did he ever not feel loved enough? Does he know what you have told us about your life before his Dad?
I did a day a week but only as long as they had back up in case of illness, emergency calls from DS with GC abroad or wanting to go away. That meant they had to develop networks with other parents. It was never for as early or as late as 7-6. As we live 70 miles away it meant an overnight stay. But I did make sure there was plenty of mutual benefits like exploring places & walks with buggy which I wouldn't have otherwise done. Care at home all day would be awful for me. A regular hard commitment without back-up of even a day can really affect plans especially as, like many & me, you value not having commitments for once & like the spontaneity of having none.

But your children remain your children however old they may be and if you want the best for them and their children surely you would be prepared to discuss why they need you at least. It may be that a career break wouldn't just be a break but a full stop. Many women have found themselves back at the bottom rung of the ladder because they took a break. I'm not saying they shouldn't but the idea that you can step back into a career after taking a break isn't always correct and any such thing needs to be approached with the full knowledge of the effects.

Ps you could say - BUT DON'T!!- that neither of them love the child enough to take a career break to look after him
He is their child, their responsibility, he is not your responsibility however much you love him.

Day6 you mention in your last post that your DH's son has nor thought about your lives, now you're retired.
That is a good point because, although they have a new baby who is the focus of their lives at the moment, they also want to get their lives back on the tracks they were on pre-baby, ie DIL going back to work.

If they are so besotted with the child (which is natural) why not take a career break? Not the higher earner of the two, but certainly one of them?

What is so wrong with being a SAHM or D these days if they can afford it?

I'm reminded of the saying about "only boring people finding something boring!". There is a lot of stuff that has to be done for children and babies in particular, if you do it mechanically and reluctantly it can be, if you do it as if it's a game and a chance to play even nappy changing can be fun. The other thing to remember is that as a GP you don't have the extra responsibilities you had with your own children, you are free to enjoy and play. It's a different relationship to being a parent and being a GP is great. Sometimes you can even form an alliance with your GCs and annoy your own children (only in fun of course if it's something that matters I always stand with the parents).
It doesn't stop you being actively involved in other things if it is just one day a week. In fact the people I know who are looking after GCs tend to be the ones involved in many other things.

It's only for one day . Surely you can give them one day . I'm sure if you needed to go on holiday or something they'd make other arrangements. I never find looking after my grandchildren boring, even when they were babies I loved every moment of it. My son works from home so he is the main child care provider , their Mum works full time in the City. However, my son travels broad sometimes so I go up to help taking turns with the other grandparents. If my DIL goes abroad I go too, just so he has company . We grandparents did not want our GDs to be cared for by strangers . It's hard work, we're elderly but tedious and boring, I find that phrase very telling.

Day6 I am with you all the way in this situation and understand exactly what you are saying. I think parents these days expect far to much of us gp. We have spent nearly a lifetime doung for others and now we have the chance in retirement to be free to do what we want at the drop of a hat, this doesn't mean we don't love ou gc any the less. Afterall we stop being able to have babes in later life for a reason, looking after children is a young persons job. Good luck and stick to your guns you are handling it well.

I think Meg is right. A compromise offer of asking if you can pick him up early from nursery once a week would show you really, really would love to have him but just can't ( at your ages!) cope with the commitment of a full day and of course, if he goes to nursery the care would be there if either of you were sick so DS can relax more. Emphasise too how much better he'd be with expert nursery care and with interaction with the other babies rather than stuck with boring grandparents and of course, you'll be happy to step in when he gets a bug and the nursery won't take him. And that, health permitting, you'll help out with a few days holiday cover when he starts school.

DS probably hasn't realised yet what a long term commitment childcare is (will he expect you to drive over to take DGS to school each morning?) or come to terms with the fact that old age will come. Maybe not at the moment, but it will come. Think of how your health is likely to be in 12 years time - I believe that 13 is the age when a child can legally be left? You're probably both young and active GPs so DS won't have considered yet the possibility of decrepitude but it won't do any harm to lay it on a bit!

I'm another in the no camp especially as you live so far away - getting there so early in the morning would be very stressful. It's good that you have had the courage to say no and seem to have done as much as you can for them and your own children over the years. I admire those grandparents who do the childminding - my SIL has done it for their GS from early days and as he's the only one they'll have really have a close bond with him. He's now at school and she has gone back to work but still collects him from school and has him one night a week. Another friend has looked after both her GD's on a full time basis and I know finds it hard work and is often resentful that her sons seem to take it for granted she will be available for weekends and nights as well. I have been lucky in that my own granddaughters haven't needed childcare on a full time basis although I did look after them as and when needed so we have a close relationship - especially with my eldest who is now 20 but they moved 150 miles away when the girls were 8 and 5 so there was no way I could look after them. My little grandsons are on the other side of the world and things may have been different if they were closer - we were once asked if we could have the first one for 6 weeks when he was only 3 months old as his mum wanted to do a job in Europe but we both work full time and had to say no. I think it was resented a little but the practicalities and obstacles were just too great. Now my DIL has gone back to work they rely on her parents quite heavily but do manage to juggle their own jobs to do the majority of childcare themselves. I'm sure given time this will blow over and your stepson will understand your reluctance to commit to their request - as for him being a daddy bore that's perfectly understandable and totally wonderful as it should be.

I think you were right to refuse. The best way to deal with a sulker is to ignore the behaviour but not the person. I would not let him know how hurt you are as it will probably make him more defensive.

Just act normally as if the request was never made.

Day6, I feel for you. You had a difficult time for most of your life, and are now retired, and married to a lovely man to enjoy life with. That is what you should make a priority.

That said, you love your son, and grandson, and have obviously given them lots of support already (Wot? Having baby sat for them several times in 5 months - my daughter and son-in-law didn't have a night out for a year) - is pretty supportive.

In 2015 we were asked to have our two grandchildren (then 3 and 1) more or less two days a week over the summer. We managed it - just. We were knackered - very. We saved them a mint in nursery fees, and it had to be. But in retrospect it was too much for us, physically and mentally. We ended up snapping at each other and generally getting stressed.

I now can't think of anything worse than caring for a baby for a whole day. It's physically hard work unless you are still adept at getting down on the floor, or carrying a baby up unfamiliar stairs, and I would struggle to keep our two toddlers in hand for a full day.

The kiddies now go to nursery 5 days a week in term time. It is pricey, but they now get some free hours, and mum and dad give them all their attention when they are home. We help out now by cooking evening meals and taking them over (28 miles for us, too), picking up from nursery early two days a week so they aren't there "full time" all week. We love those few hours with them, but we couldn't do a full day any more. Daughter and SIL understand that.

Daughter is the main breadwinner, and SIL's job is inflexible, so nursery 4 days a week at first, now 5 in term-time, was essential. The kiddies have loved it. Their lives have been enriched beyond imagination from interaction with other children, and the nursery staff, and their learning has been tremendous.

I was initially appalled at the idea of nursery for so many days, but it has been the best experience for them ever.

I would not feel any need to make amends. If your GS goes to nursery on the day you might have had him you could offer to pick him up at 3 p.m. and take over a meal for them all. That's a nice compromise. Don't do what you don't feel able to do, cos it will only end up with resentment.

Good Luck.

Meg

I really appreciate all of you for taking the time to share your views. I feel better and am glad I am not alone in finding childcare a tie and not particularly rewarding. It's a difficult thing to state but I found motherhood quite repetitive, tedious and hard work and I know those views aren't shared by all, but it's good to know others agree. That's not to say I don't throw myself into it wholeheartedly, or begrudge any time spent with my grandchildren. They have 100% of my focus and time when I am with them and I love them dearly. I am very proud of them. I am just glad to give them back after caring for them and have time to myself again.

I expect sons accusation ( made to his father) was a heat of the moment remark but on reflection I do feel there was a bit of emotional manipulation involved. I feel quite cross actually. I should also say son is a doting father and his world now seems to revolve around his son, to the exclusion of all else. It's as though he's the first man to have fathered a child, and his pride and devotion is admirable but is it cruel to say he's become a daddy-bore?

We of course listen intently as he tells us about weaning, but I don't think he appreciates we've been there, done that, four times over. His enthusiasm is lovely but I suspect he imagines his baby boy is going to be the epicentre of our world too. He has a rosy vision of family flocking to their house because of the baby. The newness of it all hasn't worn off yet and I think that it's really sweet but I really think he hasn't thought about our lives, now we've retired.

It's early days and I get the feeling we'll have to build bridges. He's a lovely young man but in his youth he was quite sensitive and took umbrage very quickly and then sulked/pulled up the drawbridge. OH always had to coax and cajole to get him back on track.

I am not sure whether to let this blow over of its own accord or to try to make amends somehow. I don't think we've done anything wrong though, but I hate bad feeling. OH has become quite cross about the unfairness of his remark. I don't want this to fester.

As someone who's raised children without any help from grandparents, as they were dead or abroad, think anyone lucky to have just a sniff of help. Do honestly think young people with functioning parents can take the the pee out of them. Go do what you want to do. It's your choice and life. Also theirs to have children. They need to embrace your life as much as your u do yours.

I would love to have my dgd for t days a week, I would struggle but could make allowances, I feel I don't come alive till I'm with hrt

Oh, Marnie, my heart aches for you! It seems gps often have either one problem or the other - either being asked to babysit more than they'd like or not being asked, at all (or not getting to see the gc). (((Hugs)))

Do not feel guilty, the baby is not your baby, you've been there and done that! A similar thing happened to me, my son still harps on about me not being loving enough towards his children, and is jealous of my relationship with my daughter's child (my eldest grandchild) More often than not, a mother will go to her own mother before her mother in law. I feel that my son's children are not as close to me as they are to my son's mother in law, which I've found seems to be the norm!

Enjoy your retirement, do what you want to do, be free at last! Do not let yourself be put upon.

I know of a granny who is not only caring for her grand children daily, but also her 90 year old father as well, now that is not on!! Grannies beware!!

Guilty? Most definitely NOT! The reason Mother Nature limits our child bearing years is that we are healthier and have much more energy and stamina when we're young! Those of us who raised a brood of kids into adulthood know firsthand how well we've paid those dues. Children are a joy and a blessing but the greatest advantage of having grandchildren (to me at least) is the ability to hand them off quickly when they get too fussy or cantankerous. To judge how much you love this baby based on your reluctance to commit to his regular childcare is both emotionally manipulative and highly unfair.

I have looked after one grandchild for one overnight stay and the next day most weeks, with extra days if needed. Other GM does one day a week and DGC goes to nursery two days a week. A full day at nursery is an a lot for a baby - much better to be with a GP. I love having my DGC and will miss her when she goes to school, but am looking forward to having more free time. I have other DGC and enjoy spending time with all of them.
I can appreciate Day6's views - particularly on the travelling - and you have to do what is right for you and your OH. You are already giving support and this will continue. Don't feel bad. You have done your time...

I love my grandchildren, all 9 of them, but, I would not want to do a full day or more every week. I raised my children and love to see the family, babysit for them and help out when needed. I would not, however, commit to a full time nannying situation. I still work and feel that I am entitled to spend my free time in whatever way I wish. Please don't feel guilty about not being the regular childcare option.