" You don't love your grandchild enough!"

Don't feel guilty. Your son gave you first refusal to look after your grandson which is lovely as he obviously trusts you with his welfare.

Of course you love your grandson. Wanting to enjoy you're retirement with the freedom it now gives is understandable and is no barometer for the love you both feel for him. Better to be honest at the beginning than start something you will probably regret, with those feelings possibly being picked up by your GS. Things generally smooth themselves out over time and go back to normal.

I would love a grandchild but will never be in that position. My daughter passed away and my DIL never wanted children. However I wouldn't want to be tied down on a weekly basis with childcare. We all have different needs and wants but without offending have to be honest when being asked to be put into a situation that doesn't suit.

Enjoy your lovely new grandson and don't feel guilty. There will always be times when he will come to stay over but when it suits all of you, without pressure.

I agree don't take on all day as its a big commitment, but could you agree to pick the child up from nursery at a certain time one of the days if possible. Enjoy family time and keep the bridges open.

Well said parklife1
I do not yet have DGs but we have made it clear to our DDs that we will be there for emergencies but not regular childcare (which geography precludes anyway) In any case we are likely to be 70+before we ever have any .
I worked ft for 15years (pt prior)while raising children, through financial necessity (with Gp help only in energencies) and do not want to do another stint of childcare .I have seen too many friends tied down by this in retirement and while they love the DGs some are resentful
You might ask your step-son and DIL if they don't love their child as they are happy to spend time away from and not looking after him ,even though they dont need the money ?
I'm not sure a mix of nursery/childminder/grandparents is necessarily good for children as I think consistency is important
Incidentally the grandparents my children felt closest to were those who lived 120miles away and whom they saw only every 6weeks or so ,not the ones who lived round the corner

I dont think one day a week is very little - it seems a huge commitment to me however adorable the child.
Occasional baby sitting, regular visits and emergency cover is fine though.

Clearly from the responses it's down to opinion but I wouldn't want to do it either. As you age, there are other stresses and strains that take the place of bringing up your young children and I doubt your son is even aware of them. You've done your bit and it's now time to enjoy retirement without restrictions that you don't want. You could perhaps try to explain again but if that doesn't seem possible, I would just leave things be and enjoy life. He will realise as the years go by, that you had your reasons not to do it. You need not feel guilty. (We're good at that!)

They probably think you would jump at the chance. However, two young, presumably fit and energetic young people just don't understand how exhausting it can be for an older person, perhaps with health problems, to look after a baby.
And babies become toddlers with all that entails - did you see the picture of the one at the ceremony the other day who did NOTwant to meet the Queen? . Reminded me of DGS!

I enjoyed looking after DGC two or one day a week and they were delivered to the door - but it is hard work and a great responsibility - added to which would be a long journey each end of the day.
Our friends are very fit but I notice how tired they look now they care for two DGC twice a week and retirement is not what they thought it would be.

You have earned your retirement - enjoy it, offer to babysit if they want to go out, but not to childmind. There is a difference. Let your DH explain to his son who should never have said that imo.

Well done for sticking to your guns, afraid I'm a bit of a soft touch and have built a rod for my own back and and can't now make any arrangements for days away or holidays without checking with family about me having 'time off'!

We all of us need to be clear about our role as grandparents. We are not childminders, emotional blackmail is not acceptable. We love our families all of them and wish to enjoy our time with them, our adored grandchildren are our reward not our burden!

No it's your time now babysitting should be a pleasure not a chore forced upon us.

Its a matter of personal preference, that's all. I wouldn't want to be tied down to anything for one day a week, every week, any more than my daughter would.

That's another point Day6 you'd have to register with their doctor and/or register the baby with yours and carry parental authorities. The nursery will already have all the necessary insurance cover and doctors details etc

Agree Faye. And if it's for friends children, their rules and priorites may be very different. It'd be so easy to cause upset. Not to mention liability if something went wrong.

Day6 you could be describing me . Four children , two with serious health problems . No support from my X , life was so hard . Saying all that I do 1 day a week childcare on my own which I find physically very hard due to my own health problems . Maybe you have done the right thing in refusing but I imagine the air will remain frosty . If you dislike childcare then perhaps you are not the right person to look after this GC . I do and am very flattered that I am trusted with this new little person , all my children know that I have limitations and I am also strong enough to say no to anything more than one day .

I had wondered why the DIL is going back to work when the baby is only five months old, that's the first thing I would have asked. Unless DIL has no maternity leave or prefers to work I don't understand why they think it's up to you and your DH to drive in peak hour traffic to their house.

I have a couple of times for SIL's cousin NfkDumpling. I dread being asked, but have felt sorry for her when she has had to work away and DD couldn't help her out. I don't mind as much when it's work but no, not for their social lives.

Omg, Day6, after all you've been through, who could blame you for wanting your time free today? Imo, you made the right decision. If you had said yes, you probably would have come to resent it.

Is it possible that ds has secretly feared for a while that you won't love his child the way you do your own gc? Could that be what caused his outburst? I know that doesn't make sense because you didn't watch those gc on a regular basis. But jealous feelings are often irrational. Could this be what it's about?

It's too bad they declined your dinner offer. Perhaps it's too hard for them to make that trip with baby? Or maybe ds is still upset even though he made up with you and oh on the surface. Or he could even be embarrassed about what he said. It was a good idea to reach out, I think, but they may need to keep some distance for a while.

Oh dear Day6. What planet is this son on? Does he know your history? Can he not empathise that having borne so much responsibility alone you're really not able to face the commitment? And 28 miles - and you have to go tho theirs? What if the car breaks down, there's an accident on route, one of you is ill, you oversleep, roadworks..... The pressure on you would be huge. Have they asked you because there wasn't a place available for that day at the nursery? And you'd be spending the day at their house? Perhaps if you offered to have the baby just until they can sort out more nursery care - but insist they bring him to you as you can take him out and do stuff more easily from your home - and still have your afternoon naps (after all you are getting on a bit )

I was wondering if this was because the son/daughter/grandchild are really nothing to do you with you no blood link at all and as your husband doesn't want to have the little one then your allegiance is obviously with him and as you're not a baby/child person it fits in well
I think you ve done the right thing, as a gran without her heart in it and doing it as a chore will not be good for the little one
I hope your husbands son finds some good childcare and you both have a lot of fun in your later years you must always do what your heart tells you and I think that is to be respected but don't malign the young man for making a very reasonable request and don't be surprised if the relationship is never quite the same

Look after someone else's children? What a minefield that could be! No way!

Day6 don't feel bad. I have done more than my share of babysitting for all of my six GC and they really are my favourite people. But I really don't like looking after babies, they are really hard work, so I understand the feeling of not wanting to take on a five month old, even one day a week. Any travel plans you make would have to be around babysitting.

My dilemma now is my youngest GC has started school, so I feel like I am at the end of an era as I have helped out with all of my GC at different times. I am still very happy to babysit, I just feel now I have done the bulk of it. Twice this week DD2 has asked me to babysit other people's children. She was meeting her DH's cousin for lunch earlier in the week and could I look after DH's cousin's two and three year ago old for a few hours. ? Then today, I had offered to do some washing for her as her washing machine has broken down. DD then asked could I look after her friend's eight and four year old, while they go to a food and wine festival. ? Her two were going to their other GP's house but DG5 wanted to stay at home and play with DD's friend's children. I said No both times!

Give them an inch and they will take a mile!

Lots food for thought and thank you all for your replies.

Perhaps I should have added that I have older grandchildren and we haven't looked after them on a regular basis either although we've done lots of babysitting and helped out in emergencies. We have lovely relationships with the children, all warm and loving.

I suppose I must accept that we're all different. I am afraid I don't see a regular babysitting commitment as an ' honour'. I see it as a tie, even though the baby is gorgeous.

I had to bring my children up alone. Their father didn't want to know and we divorced when my four were still at primary school. Two of my children have chronic illnesses and parenting alone was for me fraught with worry. I also worked full time to pay the bills so had to engage a child minder. Life was very hard, with little joy as I also had to look after my frail elderly mother. I met OH when my children had just left school. I'd endured the teenage years, the worries of young adults etc. Childcare problems morphed into young adult ones. Then I became very ill, for a long time with one illness and operation following another. I went back to work when I could, at the age of 59, because money problems necessitated it. Life has been hard, and my OH has been such a blessing.

I really am loathe to give up a whole day, on a regular basis to childcare. Much as I love my dgc, I cannot say I am stimulated by babies, nappies, feeding and small talk. I felt the same way when I was a mother, and it's almost taboo to admit childcare, even with its fun bits, is tedious. I am in a minority probably and I have no wish to offend but it just doesn't rock my boat.

I still have to be a rock for my own children. They've had problems in adulthood, mostly of the broken heart variety. I worry about them still.

I have got to the stage where, selfish or not, I want to live a bit - put my own needs first.

This time in my life has been, well, a long time coming and in many ways I feel I am owed it. My health isn't wonderful but no one would know because I have so many hidden ailments and auto immune conditions. I like having g free time and I like being spontaneous. OH feels the same way. We both feel this is our time and relish having fewer responsibilities after us both retiring after 40+ years of work.

I am sure some will say we are selfish but very few of our generation expected grandparents to shoulder the task of full time care for our children.

I know for many young parents childcare costs are prohibitive and I expect we'd feel duty bound to help out if this were the case, but it's not.

We live about 28 miles way from son, so to get there in the mornings would take about 50 mins, in rush hour traffic. I cannot pretend a day that started like that in order to feed, change, soothe, talk with a baby, feed, change,sooth, clean up after, talk with a baby.....you get the picture.. until at least 6pm would bring me joy. It doesn't reflect in the child at all. He is adorable.

We really don't want the commitment, much as we love our newest grandchild and his parents.

The air is still quite frosty. I invited them over for dinner this weekend, as a sort of olive branch, but they declined.

Madgran spot on!

I never even thought to ask my parents to look after my children - they were retired after years of work and bringing up all of us.
And yes, they adored all their DGC.

Why do some of you think OP is being blackmailed it doesn't read that way to me at all The son asked nicely was refused nicely but it obviously shocked him and he said what he felt at the time probably a knee jerk reaction of ' well you can't love him as much as I thought you would if you don't want him for even one day a week' OP says they made up and got beyond the row so why are some of you adding things like ' they ll want more' there's nothing at all to suggest that they would want more I can just imagine how I would have felt if my mum and dad had said no to looking after my children when I started out
Sorry got to go my grandsons just arrived and he's 'starving'

f77ms One day our of seven doing childcare will be too much for some, not enough for others, a joy for some, purgatory for others. There is nothing wrong with someone NOT wanting to look after their grandchildren and nothing wrong with someone wanting to....we are all different. You see it as a privilege, others might see it as a burden! I love my one day a week with my grandchildren, others do not!! Its not about asking too much, its about asking and accepting the answer ...and not making irrelevant links to loving/not loving the grandchild!

However, I don't think you should be effectively blackmailed into looking after a DGC if you feel that you cannot or do not want to but love to see them with their parents.

I never found caring for toddlers boring or tedious. It was fascinating watching them progress from babyhood into being able to do puzzles, imaginative play etc. It was lovely to hear the DGC making up stories which they enacted with their Fisher Price people, cars etc.

Perhaps I am just not very mature myself?