Keeping my depression a secret

(((Hugs)))

Update. Husband came home from hospital on Friday. He's having a procedure today as out patient. GS blood test came back normal so that's a good start. Been very tearful about everything lately. It's our 40th wedding anniversary next week and it's arranged to go away with DS, DIL and GS as it's also their anniversary. I had been so looking forward to it but have no enthusiasm now and worry that I won't be able to conjure up some "happiness". I go to sleep at night thinking of leaving home and disappearing. Is this normal if you're depressed?

grandma1954 could you write to your eldest son and ask him if he would like to let bygones be bygones and resume contact with you and your husband. Don't tell him about the illnesses, just say you miss him and would love to see him and his family occasionally - no strings attached and on his terms. He may wish to see you again but doesn't know how. Nothing to lose anyway.

A journal helped me a lot when my catastrophe hit me 6 years ago. Writing down the thoughts spiralling non-stop in my head had a calming effect. Any simple exercise book will do and just get the emotions down. Scribble, underline, circle, capitals, anything to get those awful fears down in writing. If you like drawing you might try just something simple like copying a picture. If my book wasn't always handy I used to panic! Really! If you have counselling, take it with you and when it's hard to speak it will remind you what you need to say.

I had the attention span of a gnat at the time and was prone to panic attacks for the first time in my life. Awful things.

You need a little support group of friends, both real and virtual. Just people who will listen and help you feel more positive. GNetters are very good at that and will always respond. Talking is therapy in itself. Strange how total strangers can help you feel better, but it works.

Hello All: I am new on this site..
Lots of wonderful comments to you grandma1954 so I would second most all of it!
I am having my own issues with my son and while we are not estranged, watching him make poor choices for himself since he entered college has been very difficult. That was ten years ago!. And I am the great enabler - ha - because when he hits the "bottoms", I am always there. I too, feel that rawness often because you are trying so hard to help, and we love our kids so much, so being stiff-armed by them feels like a slap in the face. Our children can also be selfish without realizing it.
I pray which helps me (am I allowed to say that?), so I'll say a prayer for you if that is ok.
I agree to write down what is on your heart, because I feel it hurts our emotional and physical well-being not to get it out.
What makes you smile? I am alone so sometimes I get myself a little bouquet of flowers because they make me happy. Other times taking myself to the local market on a Saturday morning, or to the art museum or to hear a symphony - do something that brings some happiness inside because you deserve that.

I have nothing to add to all the wise advice on here. I guess your underlying problem is that your husband sweeps his feelings under the carpet and thinks you should do the same. Well, as you have said, he still suffers from depression even with that attitude and will oontinue to do so. You have a choice, however - get help via your GP, a private therapist or whatever, there are people out there experienced in what you are going through, and worth consulting.

I have a husband who never expresses feelings, and am not even sure he has any. If it wasn't for me he would never suggest that we arrange to see our grandchildren, he isn't that interested in them. Though he would disagree with me.

It's very hard when you can't share feelings with your husband, so you have to look to other people, and it will be worth it if you do.

Much love and luck XX

Grandma1954, I'm sure it would be fine to share your story but just to say that this is an open forum which means it's not private like a closed forum.
If this worries you at all, the best way is to write it as an outline without too much detail that could identify you. Just in case you might be concerned about your own privacy.

Hope you're feeling better. x

Thanks for all the comments and private messages. I would like to share my story with you all but don't know if that is acceptable. The starting point is over 40 years ago before we got married so there's an awful lot to tell!! Would it be ok to tell you here?

Dear Grandma1954 so sorry that your son is estranged and your husband and grandchild both have health problems

This site (see below) has a good article on help and at the end a list of organisations with telephone lines that can be rung. When I was very troubled once I rang the Samaritans on a regular basis calling my self by another name. You do not have to be just about to commit suicide. It was lovely to know at any time of day or night someone would talk to me.

www.supportline.org.uk/problems/depression.php

Can't really add much but do find someone to talk to if you can, you are certainly not alone

Grandma1954 just to reiterate what some others have suggested .... Please speak to your Gp and get a referral to a councillor to help you escape this horrible illness

I personally don't like discussing hugely personal matters with friends yet found group therapy with total strangers extremely beneficial.

Wishing you all the best. Look after yourself x

When our daughter stopped contact I had bereavement counselling. It was excellent. For my depression my doctor gave me pills but also recommended Mind. I still go to Mind regularly after ten years. They are excellent and have many ways of dealing with depression. You know you are not alone. There is also the mental health team for older people. I see them when I have a crisis and they are very helpful as of course my GP. Couldn't cope without her to talk things over with.

Adding to what others have said, don't assume you can't write about what happened with son, whether you do it here or in a journal. You don't have to write all of it and you don't have to write it out all at once - just bits and pieces if it's easier.

But "write it out" is the key term here. Just like talking it out, writing it can help. If you decide to tell it to us, posters here are ready to listen.

Please go and talk to your GP. If you don't want to take medication, the doctor may know of a local support group you could join. Just sharing your worries can make you feel so much better about coping with them.

A family member cutting us off or just disappearing out of our lives is like a living bereavement. It doesn't end.
I wonder if contacting Cruse might help Grandma1954? Link is below.

www.cruse.org.uk/?gclid=Cj0KEQjw76jGBRDm1K-X_LnrmuEBEiQA8RXYZ3sJG7PWpp9HBpAnlwq4XxZKlIya9JMgRfJyTq9QRgEaAuZT8P8HAQ

Oh the Black dog, smetimes depression is my only friend, guaranteed to visit and stay all bloody day.

I find good music, good books, self care and good friends help.......but mine never leaves me.

The Reader provides groups that you self refer to and read in groups which can be helpful, Art on prescription also.

Movement is important (says she who barely leaves the house for days on end) we are not alone, plenty of people here with the same things going on.

I have a son currently throwing his life away on addiction and refusing all help and a severely disabled GC with short life expectancy......and all the other crap that life throws us.

It is not illness (never refuse any help though) it is the human condition, a never ending bloody Conga line of people walking the same route.

But we have relative peace, clean water, food...........count your blessings that also helps.

I wish you well.

Don't try to hide it......it will leak out. Speak to someone.....even if your doctor suggests anti depressants it is not a bad thing. Think of what is happening to you as a wound to your body and the anti depressants are merely a sticking plaster or a walking stick....with you for your moment if need. I've been on mine a while but that is because I suffer PTSD....it is difficult enough for my system to have to deal with that within having to face other stress situations. Above all....don't go down this road alone.

Don't necessarily assume you have depression. In fact I think you are coping remarkably well in difficult circumstances. You can have periods of feeling depressed without having full blown depression. Likewise feeling sad or unable to cope on occasions.

But agree you should have a support system, someone you can talk to or even on here.

I do t know if it is nationwide but here in Gloucestershire your GP can refer you to a service called Let's Talk. My DH is currently on a 12 weeks 1on1 course and is finding it very helpful.

Good luck

Please do not keep it all bottled up. Write it down then let it go. Get some help and it may sound trite but try to find at least a few things each day that u are grateful for. Get a relaxation c.d. u r not alone! I think u said that your husband had had heart problems. It is of course very worrying when this happens and it makes u realise how fragile life can be. This does not help with depression. You will come through this
We women are very strong!!

Don't feel guilty about feeling sad. You'd have to be superhuman not to breakdown when under such stress.. Sometimes we can be too brave for our own good.

I suspect a lot of us can identify with "hard to live with"! And quite often it seems that depression follows serious health issues like operations etc. I wish men especially were advised of this, so they don't feel it's weakness, but a common reaction to their situation. I hope y

grndma94, my deepest sympathies. I have been hospitalised with severe depression myself so can empathise. I don't want to sound trite, but I've found it helps if I can look outward and focus on the present, and appreciate little everyday things - even down to enjoying a cup of coffee, or appreciating the flowers and blossom coming out now. Doesn't change anything but lifts the mood even if briefly. Just concetrate on one day at a time x

Know what? - You should write a book! Writing it down is amazingly therapeutic. Write it as though you were talking to a really good friend.

Also, please, consider trying to get some kind of counselling. Talk to your GP. You are such a long way from being alone in this, even though it may feel that way. There are people out there who can help.
You have worn yourself out trying to help everyone else. Now you need someone to help you, if it's only by listening. It can help so much.

Thank you all so much. I wasn't actually expecting anyone to answer just needed somewhere to get my feelings out as I've been so tearful. My husband was prescribed anti depressants some years ago after his first heart attack when he had a breakdown but won't take them as he thinks he should just be able to cope. He can be very hard to live with! The situation with son was more complicated than I could write about but I try really hard to focus on positives rather than negatives. I became very ill when all this happened with son and had a mini breakdown when I left home for a few days as husband couldn't understand how I felt. I told him but he thought I should just put it to one side and forget about about son. My life has been extremely complicated regarding family matters and relationships and I never expect anything too much as I only become upset. This may sound strange but I always seem to get the raw end of things when I'm the one who tries so hard to keep things on an even keel. Why does that happen in life? Anyway, thanks again for listening. It's just good to get some feelings out. I could probably write a book!!