Date Night

Thank you for your input 70andcounting, I quite agree with what you are saying.

I just go out and find something I like doing,in the last five or so years I have had many hobbies and interest,made loads of friend, never short of invitations etc.at moment its ballroom and sequence dancing, go to afternoon tea dances. People are very friendly and welcoming, and willing to show the ropes. I love it.been married for30 years to a hubby who likes watching TV most of the time and is devoid of conversation since retiring.so ime pretty fed up of asking if he would like to do anything. My advice is to go it alone if you can.there is a life out there!

kwest, I fully agree with what you have said. We have had a chat about things & have come to agree with how to move on, I also showed him the replies that were on the thread, we had a giggle about some of them, he is not convinced though that DH means 'dear husband'..... Bottom line is that I am not alone in organising all of the time & it seems to be that we women do it better, he reminded me of the time he booked a weekend away in York for my 30th, the hotel was horrible but the pictures looked lovely in the brochure, so I think maybe we should do it together.

I have a friend who thinks that our relationship is in danger because OH goes off to Spain sailing and spends several long weekends away each year showing off his very rare car ( built in 1937) We have no problem with these arrangements, why do people see a problem if your not joined at the hip!!
We spent 2 days in Whitstable this week which the OH arranged. He knew he was safe with this as he had seen the cottage on a trip to visit his daughter, otherwise i sort hotels.

Dear 0612 there are lots of useful suggestions above. You say your husband is very content so perhaps the 'rough patch' is a reflection of your own 'low mood'.
It may sound banal but a gratitude inventory can be really useful in such circumstances.
Hopefully you are both in good health.
You can afford holidays
You have each other.
Don't ever take that for granted.
Things can change in a second.

I wish I had known about 'date nights' Maybe I would still be married...sighs...

Morgana......I've just come back in and have to respond with a grin. Yep interesting is accurate and......somewhat understated! Cheers to you.....?

DH organises hols, after discussion and he's good at it. Other trips and days out we sort together. He'd think I'd finally flipped if I suggested a date night - after I'd spent ages explaining what it is.

I have nearly always done the organising,and love it,I love organising holidays etc. OH is glad I do it, I dont think I would trust him to organise a Holiday, the odd time he has organised things, its been chaos, best left alone.

You have some interesting points there RogerC,it's good to hear the other side. I know I feel better reading what comments have been left by everybody, I am tempted to let my other half read this thread.

Maybe she just doesn't fancy you any more RogerG.

I don't mean to sound cruel or flippant. But these things happen.

There does have to be something left that can be repaired?

There may be 2 aspects of your rough patch which I can relate to:

1. I stopped organising any part of our social life after my wife sabotaged a number of arrangements that I made.

I thought that we had discussed and agreed them in advance, but whatever I arranged was wrong. Outings, holidays and flights had to be cancelled and revised according to her terms.

I have always known that she is the ultimate "control freak", so I stopped making any of these arrangements and just say "Yes Dear"

2. There is no longer any intimacy in our marriage, so the communication has reduced to "pass the salt"

As a result of this, I have withdrawn from the relationship even more and nurse my frustration in extreme bitter personal silence and in the books that I read.

I invite any woman reading this to consider the power balance in the relationship and maybe find ways to repair the intimacy. Intimacy does not have to lead to full sex but a few kind words and occasional hugs and kisses go a long way.

When the intimacy is there you can ask for anything and receive maximum engagement and effort !

Does everything have to be joint? Why not find interests, hobbies, sport, voluntary work that you enjoy that you can go off and on your own.

I think both and DH would go spare if we had to spend all our time together and do everything together. We both have a ramp of things we do on our own. Doing different things expands horizons, widens conversations and makes even more enjoyable the time we have together.

gilly glad you managed to get away & enjoyed it

If he organises things and they aren't right or you don't like what he's planned, you'll be stuck and won't be able to say anything! He's probably sat back and let you do it all these years because he knows you'll be happy with things as you've done them. It might not even be what he really wanted, but he's happy to go along with it if you are happy. I know that's what my other half does! I get fed up doing absolutely everything (including ALL the packing) but at least I am in control of it and I enjoy myself much more when everything goes to plan and I can relax - even if I wore myself out doing it! So, think about just offloading some of the things that you can; or asking him to take you out for a meal or a meal and a show because you need a break. If he's anything like my DH, he'll still ask you what show and where to eat - but at least you'll have a nice evening out. Good luck. They get stuck in their ways and it's very hard to teach an old dog new tricks! I have a friend who has the opposite problem: DH controls absolutely everything! I couldn't bear that!

Our styles are very different. I like spontaneity & getting out & about while DH needs security & knowing exactly what's happening & happily sits at the computer all day. I propose ideas & have many possibilities at hand to fit last minute changes, weather etc.; once he has a plan he's disturbed if things change. I deal with it by understanding & acceptance that it's how our brains operate. I often do my own thing & go where the whim takes me. Sometimes he gets jealous & joins what I do. Together, I do the ideas, he resists but when/if he finally says yes, he takes over the on-line bookings etc. I get in as much mission creep as possible to make the journey worth while. He always enjoys it, I wish it could be done without so much resistance but we are at least complementary. It's just occured to DH, 10 years behind me, that there aren't enough years left to be sure of doing all that he says he wants to do.
I wince at the term 'date night' as much as the term 'play date'. Prefer going out & calling for/inviting round.

We take it in turns to decide where we want to go for a holiday but generally I do most of the organising - except that we go away for a few days round my birthday and he organises that. Perhaps I'm more of a control freak thn you but I like to know what's happening and that all bases are covered.
Could you take up an interest separately from him? We go ballroom dancing together but there are several people there who go without their other halves. I started going to a craft class and now make jewellery for friends, am treasurer of a local group and involved in the national organisation of a journal. He's interested in astronomy, aikido, medieval martial arts and aikido. We have friends who take separate holidays to coincide with their interests (he skis, she paints) but that seems a step too far for me.
When you're with someone 24/7 you're almost bound to want to break out sometimes.

We're married thirty eight years with a big family , jobs etc and yes, a night out, or with the phone off does allow time to reconnect . Good luck

Do you have your eye on anyone in particular Absent?

You could always be the one to do the asking.

I recently took the advice of janeainsworth and did something spontaneous. I booked a weekend away (at quite short notice) DH did nothing but moan that he didn't know how he could be away from work for 3 WHOLE days... which makes a change because I am usually the miserable git in the operation. Once we did eventually get away we thoroughly enjoyed it. Its just a pity it cant be more often that's all.

It could well be hormonal, I am 55 and still having regular monthly's, no sign of hot flushes yet. I suppose bottom line,on the whole I have a great Husband who is a hard worker, he is a great Dad & Grandad, he has always been a great provider too, I should be grateful for what I have, we both have good health although he does have to have a knee replacement operation in nearly 2 weeks time, maybe I should carry on organising and realise I'm not on my own.

Kim0612 whatever he organises in July be sure and not criticise his efforts or he won't do it again :-) I think we all go through times when feeling like you, but when I read a lot of the threads on GN I'm truly grateful that we still enjoy each others company, most pf the time, after 40+ years. There is a lot to be said for contentment.

we've always had nights out , We dont "plan" just decide to go out ,we dont really do holidays as our business is seasonal and we have grandchildren we watch at other times,but we always make sure we have our night out even if its only the local folk club ,been married 42 years and we've always worked together even the year before we got married.If you're feeling life is passing you by maybe its menopausal ?

The 'adventurous stuff' sounds interesting! !!!

SussexGirl60, your post is exactly us!!

This is why I love this website, lots of unbiased opinions. Thank you every single one of you for your thoughts and comments, it really means a lot, there are some interesting tips to try also, it just goes to show, I am not on my own in organising things, it seems a high proportion of women seem to take on this role. I think maybe I need to look at doing something myself as well, we both work fulltime & there just never seems to be time for anything but then I suppose it's up to the ourselves to sort that one out.