Age gap marriage

My husband retired 18 months ago and has had two cancer operations since. He hasn't any interests, but I try and involve him in going to talks and cinema with me. I have other interests, including dancing, which I do. We've been married for 51 years and I'll continue to support wherever I can. People change over time and that we must accept. I'm in this for whatever time both of us have left and marriage is a commitment which I take serously. Although there is no intimacy as such in our mrriage, we still have things in common, so I would suggest that you hang on in there and look for the positives, rather then the negatives.

Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease

What is COPD? When you no longer live in the UK like me the akronyms are hard to understand.

15 years is a large age difference in the later years. My DH is a year younger than me and I often think I could have had a husband of 90. That would be terrible.
But we took them for better or worse so you'll have to find a way ut of this isolation and try to live your own life and leave him in peace with his dogs and his garden.

Aliveandkicking, that post is just plain nasty!

Its not often I take offence to any posts I always live and let live but the response from *aliveandkicking was totally uncalled for lets hope you are still aliveandkicking if ever your partner walks away from you.

willsmadnan Totally agree with you.

What a bloody awful thing to say stillaliveandkicking. Are you having a bad day? There was 15 years between DH and myself. I was 21 when we met. I was quite bonkers over him but of course after 53 years the novelty had worn off a bit, and the last couple of years we didn 't go out or socialise very much. I could have gone out on my own but I didnt want to, I was content to spend time with him as I knew at 87 the time we had left was precious. Are you actually aware how selfish you sound or are you a refugee from MN, bleating 'LTB' in response to every relationship posting?

I agree with those who say it's more about the illness than the age gap. So sorry!

But it's also about different personalities, imo, and comfort levels. Has dh always been less sociable than you? That would help you know if age or illness has caused him to keep more to himself or if he's just kind of introverted.

Either way, it's possible he's perfectly comfortable and happy with just "the dogs TV." Please accept what he enjoys the same way he accepts your activities.

If this is a major change for him and you think he might be depressed, please speak to his doctor. But otherwise, live and let live.

Oh blimey aliveandkicking that's very harsh The poster has said she loves her husband so why should she leave him he's not doing anything wrong she said he's helpful around the house and they have a business together He seems to have worked up to the age of 70 so he s been a provider You can't just cast him off because he's poorly I think the advice to do things with kids i.e. Reading in schoools or helping at a kids group which would keep you involved with young people is good keep up your friends and hobbies and even if you can't sleep together maybe a bit more cuddling will go a long way

My husband was 16 years older than me which was totally irrelevant in our lives. I don't think that in itself is the problem you are facing. Seems you are married to a boring man who brings no joy to your life. You don't have to put up with it.

Absolutely!!

What happened to "In sickness and in health" ?

You are still very young compared to him. I'd not waste the rest of my life. No one owns anyone else. He must have known this would happen. It's a fact. I'd leave if I were you but still care for him.

You're right Marydoll, and I'm grateful for all the good years we've had until quite recently. I appreciate that we've still had more fun and good times than many other people so I'm grateful for that. He has his "good days", like we all do but I'm very aware that our lives are becoming smaller and more restricted. But many good and happy memories still bring a smile and keep me relatively sane!

My mother and father married later in life and there was a thirteen year age gap. My mother gave up her career as a senior midwifery sister, as my father did not want her working. People thought my father was my grandfather. As his health deteriorated, he too had COPD, my mother became more and more resentful and bitter, at having given up her career.
Money was very tight, as he had to take early retirement due to his ongoing ill health. My mother even tried to discourage me from going to university, as she thought I should be out earning money to support our family.
My 32 year old daughter is now in a very stable relationship with a lovely 44 year old man. She thought we would not approve because of the age gap. We love him like a son and despite remembering my own parent's unhappy marriage, I just keep my thoughts to myself. Carpe diem! Surely some happiness is better than none at all.

Age gap between me and OH is 13 years and, at the beginning of our relationship, that didn’t matter at all. But now his health has deteriorated dramatically and he is becoming increasingly immobilised. All of the actives that we used to enjoy together are no longer possible and he is often angry and frustrated about that. I still work and I have plenty of friends and hobbies but he's at home all day on his own and he's resentful of any time that I'm not satisfied at home with him. It's very sad to see that our relationship has changed from being a loving and outgoing life, and is now very limited and restricted and there's an element of resentment on both sides.

OH is 9 months older than me , we always seemed to have different interests , I bowled , he played whist , he played , then watched football , I go to paontong classes , he is more a tv fan . Now he is confined to a chair so tv on all day , politics football quizzes .Sometimes I wonder how we ever got together !

I agree with Antonia, enjoy the things you do and your husband has his own interests. COPD is a very debilitating illness.
Don't give up on finding a shared interest but enjoy your life too.

I don't think a lesser age gap necessarily guarantees a more cohesive relationship if fundementally you aren't soulmates, that's my experience from a previous marriage where the age gap was a conventional 3 years. My husband is more than a decade older than me we have been together 32 years and I can honestly say the age gap has never been a problem. I concede that as some people get older they can become more set in their ways, but if anything my husband is less so than I am being the younger partner. He has his own interests golf and learning Spanish, but we also do a lot together, aside from spending time with children and grandchildren, we cherish "our time" more than ever which can be anything from National Trust days out, cinema, reading together, holidays. I'm not sure you actually need a shared interest, for instance I don't give two hoots about golf, my husband's much loved hobby. Sorry to hear you are missing your children and grandchildren are there any trips planned to visit either them or your daughter?

jeannie59 I can hear your distress but I don't think its the age gap I think its your husbands illness that is the difficulty. COPD is so debilitating and I can well see how he wouldn't enjoy going out. You should continue to enjoy your activities but is there something you could do together that is less active. My DH is coaching a number of people with various disabilities inc COPD and stroke to learn to play bowls. It may be worth seeking out a few clubs that do other less active things that specialise in helping people with long term conditions and disabilities and go together.

What you need is a lover!

I think you may need to accept that your DH's interests are different from yours and this may not be caused by the difference in your ages. My DH is 7 years older than me and like yours, he has few interests apart from TV. I once complained to my sister that he never does anything, but she said, 'if he's happy then leave him be, that's what the enjoys.' You have your clubs to keep you interested, and if you miss young people, why not offer to help at a local school, maybe listening to readers? Does your DH ever want to visit his daughter in Spain? Could you make visits to Spain a shared interest?