Should we continue to send Birthday cards?

It sounds like your DD might be under the control of a violent man. It's not unheard of to appear to be a totally in control woman on the surface, hold down a good job etc. whilst being totally controlled by someone else. I was like that.

I would continue to send the cards and the occasional text that just says 'Hi xxx' so she knows you are still thinking about her.

Poly your s.i.l sounds as delightful as mine, I was told to F* OFF" too, no reason!

Very well said Smileless

Load of o`le baloney again Norah

Isn't it amazing how many threads there are about being 'cut out' and that's just on GN, there are many many more elsewhere It's the trend now-a-days obviously

Poly580, your situation is far from isolated. I run a group for estranged parents and have researched the topic for over 5 years. Sadly your story, good parents being cut off by their adult children over money and other things is so common that it's an epidemic.
IT'S NOT YOU.

Please stand your ground and start taking care of you and your husband. I can't say there will be a happy ending. Neither can I advise on the sending of cards. All I can do is reassure you that you are one of many, many parents being treated in the same shoddy way.
Don't blame yourselves and don't listen to Norah. Her three daughters have all cut their MILS off so I'm sure you get my point that it's rife.

No, nina, my 4 sons in law have all co their mums. Not sure where you got 3 daughters. Take a read if you wish. Nothing whatsoever to do with my daughters or me.

Nora is it a misprint? That, 4 of your sons in law have cut of their mothers. That is four of your daughters do not have husbands that sees their mothers. I would be a very worried mother if my son met a girl whose 4 siblings had no contact with the in laws. It explains a lot.

Yes, Luckylegs9, over time all of my sons in law have co their mums. Not other way to, my daughters have NOT co anyone.

So, I'm not sure what it explains. My daughters are 2 in their 50s and 2 in their 30s, as are their dh. One sil co his mum 35 years ago, I think.

Norah I apologize, it's your 4 daughters that have cut out their m.i.ls not 3. How can it be none of your business when it's your 4daughters Of course it's your business! Theirs first, but still your business it's your daughters, you write about it all the time, so it's part of your life too isn't it.

You really expect us to believe your 4 daughters had nothing to do with their mothers being cut out [shocked]

Sorry m.i.ls/ husbands mothers, all 4 of them

I agree Yogagirl. There's a pay off in there for Norah somewhere. Gloating almost.

Any AC who cuts off a parent and prevents their children from knowing the love of that grandparent out of spite, is guilty of harming their child. I'm pretty sure from what I know already, that the law is going to see it this way soon too.

I'm not quite sure what my sils mums have to do with me. But I do know to the original question of the post, ignoring a 60s Birthday card seems quite a petty complaint. Really? I can't vision getting upset over a card, or lack of card.

If my NiceD told me she was thinking of cutting off her m.i.l I would change her mine in saying it is too cruel to do that, just a once a week visit for the GC& her Son, wouldn't hurt anything/one. Norah your 4D must have spoken to you about it, so what did you say to them???? for question marks for 4 AC

yogagirl I think a weekly visit or more is fine, if one wants to or if they live close.

None of my daughters mils are close by to here, so there would really be no weekly or monthly meets (I think maybe nearest is 3-4 hours). Though to answer your question, I really don't tell fully functioning adults what to do in their personal affairs.

I wish that gn who post on threads would stop from arguing and being basically nasty to each about what and who said what. It happens so many times and each time the poor person who posted the thread has come out with they wished they had never posted in the first place, making them feel worse than they already do. It is a forum for discussion and should be done in a respectful way towards other people. My thoughts, are that the Daughter is in an abusive marriage, so contact with the daughter should be kept as she will probably need their support if she decided enough is enough.

Good post BOB

Poly, is it possible to meet up with your daughter on your own, just the two of you for a coffee somewhere and have a chat?

I wish there was a "like" button on GN for your first post, Barmyoldbat!! Well said!

I think if it feels right for you to send cards then just do it but if it were me it would be the simplest of greeting with no added messages written inside the card. If the estrangement continues into years more, there will come a time when it just doesn't feel right anymore and you will feel ok about not sending.

Thank you for replying. Barmyoldbat unfortunately our DD never meets anyone without sil present. Knowing my DD I think she will have mixed feelings, hopefully wanting to see us but ashamed of all she has done. We don't think there will be any change as long as sil is around. There has n very been any proof that our DD has been harmed but obviously he has a temper. I always tell her the door is always open but I am never sure if that give reassurance or causes more problems for DD.
Norah, I feel really sorry for you as you obviously have never experienced a relationship as loving as ours. Important milestones in each other's lives are very important to us and we usually celebrate them as a family. A loving and happy experience for everyone. So good a feeling that when it's gone it's definitely missed. Of course it not just a card, it's everything that goes with it. But the fact that DD couldn't even send a card in her absence was hard to take. As I say if you have never experienced the good then you won't recognise the bad. THANK YOU everyone. I really appreciate your views/opinions x

Nina1959, would you mind linking me to your group please? Many thanks x

No, Poly580, you made it out to be about a card. I love my family, but cards are absolutely nothing in the scheme of life. I believe I'd self examine my bit in the problem other than who sends a card.

Since when did 60 become an important Birthday, anyway?

Looking inward is never a bad idea, by the way.

Norah of course 60 is a very special birthday, I had a big party for mine most people do. For me cards are more important than presents, to have a card with "My dear Mum" on it, is special. I never throw away my cards from my loved once and special friends, I treasure them! When I send cards, I pay special attention to the words on and in the card and write loving message inside too. I hope my estD is missing her cards from me on her birthdays & Xmas; "For a special Daughter"

Norah, you know nothing about me. I can fully understand that you would start to look inward, what a horrible attitude you have.
"Looking inward is never a bad idea" I suggest that's exactly where you should start. I have seen many comments from you on many threads, most of them are negative and nasty. You nothing about people but assume and wade in.
Yoga girl, I totally agree with you. I keep all my cards from my family. I have beautiful cards on my dressing table, so pretty I have framed them. I too feel the same about our DD. Let's hope the future improves and they are missing us x

Thank you, I do look inward to what I may do or say improperly to my family. Looking inward attitude rather than "I am correct and they are wrong" seems key to happiness. I'll never give the "there, there, there" ridiculous advise approach, as it solves nothing substantive. Your opinion is different to mine, not bad, just different. You and I are both happily living our approaches.

Poly