anyone else's husband this difficult to understand?

Enjoy cheerfullizzy!

Perhaps it's you that's got him confused! Calligraphy? Whatever next! You'll enjoy it.

good morning ladies....after a somewhat difficult and tense week,and taking on board all of your opinions and valuable advice, I've acted on it, I've found a short term Calligraphy class, I'm going this Saturday morning! atmosphere at home is awkward and I sense DH is being slightly 'careful' around me. However, he has puzzled me yet again...asked me to email his solicitor regarding a clause for a new tenant he is taking on in shop premises, then this morning has completely changed his mind, I feel he is becoming even more difficult to understand...is it age?...I just don't know what to think.
But i'm going to a new class....what ever happens.xx

I don't think its down to culture lizzy, more that some cultures are more open and accepting of controlling men. Many men find retirement difficult as they feel loss of status and the identity that goes with that status much more keenly than women who've had family status as well which changes more gradually. Greater domination of your life is a replacement for his loss of self esteem. He needs a cause! Would he stand for the local council or similar? (You know he'd be good at it!). He needs more important things in his life! Then he won't have time to worry what you're up to!

cheerfullizzy, I think you have the measure of the problem. You are very obviously a strong person and determined not to be controlled by someone else, least of all your husband.

I think some people, male and female, finding getting old very difficult to deal with, especially when they see their working life slipping further behind them, the days when they were successful in a profession or business career. I think men feel this loss of importance and power more than women. If a partner can still work, particularly in a situation where you had been in business together. There is a fear that they will become an appendage to the spouses successful career without them.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Good luck and I think you have to be quietly determined to make a life for yourself - as well as enjoying days out with your DH.

Yeah, yeah

called him out on it

How old are you?

good evening ladies, just made a cuppa and feel I need to point a few things out here, We ran a family Patisserie business together for 15 years...he was the mastermind behind it, & I gradually learnt it all, as he was a master patissier at Fortnums years ago...then when our children were 3 & 5 he made the decision to start his own business.
I had been a dental nurse with no catering knowledge but quickly adapted to the role of cleaner, sales woman 7 employer. We worked all hours and made a great success of things...years later the gruelling hours took their toll and we sold the business but kept the premises and to this day rent out the property. A few years back, I had surgery for a spinal tumour, a difficult time to say the least. He helped and for a few months I was quite dependant on him , being grateful for everything. I got back on my feet, Daughter away at uni in scoptland..son at uni in York..it was just me and him. I had the odd accusation made towards me when a neighbour smiled and said good morning..it blew over. a couple of yers went by. we had many family gatherings etc, but I had at times been told what I could and could not wear.
I put it out of my mind and put it down to his culture. he could be fabulous in front of everyone, and a great Dad. but when I went back to work part time as missed old friends and Daughter and son being far away, He said he didn't wan me to work in retail as it was too tiring for me and insisted I gave it up saying it messed up our tax returns etc. I now look back and feel this was possibly a way of cutting me off from making friends under the pretence of caring for my well being. Now all this time later I'm beginning to suspect that he is becoming a bit controlling and insecure again. He will not discuss it in a calm manner and says i'm being too sensitive when I answere back or question him, Of course I know what all you ladies are saying is mostly true and spot on. I have to stand up for myself...and live my life as I wish. I will see what develops and keep you all posted, and ask for your opinions, taking on board the comments saying about a mum who left it too late....xxxx

Just got home and read all your kind words and advice, thank you ladies,...well, as It happened, I went to the coffee morning just to see what it was like....He would not come along and stormed off to his meeting in London...when he got back he asked how it was, then laughed his head off when I said it wasn't quite as i'd expected..and hardly any women of my age there, just a few very elderly couples.Ended up having a fews words to say the least. next day, (yesterday) he wanted to go out shopping etc, we went to get easter present for Granddaughter etc, and went to john lewis for coffee, he eneded up getting angry with the queue and shouting out for the staff to hurry up, I felt so embarrassed, but though why should I, it's his behaviour, not mine. called him out on it and he's apologised, But I feel he's becoming a jeckyl and hide character lately.
Thanks to everyone here, especially violette and 1974cookie....and just to make clear...Yes, this is real. And Jaquetta, thank you, tomorrow I am going out to do something just for myself...even if all hell breaks loose.

If you husband is that worried, he could join you. It sounds a bit OTT to me but only you know how much you have put up with this in the past. If he is normally reasonable, it seems odd he should be like that.

My first reaction was to agree with most of the people on here - just go to the coffee morning! Then, I wondered ... as someone said above, it's a bit strange if his controlling comment came out of the blue. As the OP spends most of her time with her DF, then surely her DH isn't that controlling, unless he actually checks up that she is where she says she is. That would be controlling; her being able to be somewhere else most of the time seemingly without control, isn't, is it?
I just wondered why he would make that comment, seemingly without any history of control. I guess that's the trouble with GN - we don't know the whole story. Maybe he is a control freak, maybe he's not, but from the OP, we can't tell.

Do go and enjoy it, I really hope that some of the threads aren't real.

Do you sometimes get the feeling that some of these threads are not from real people? I do. Things like this are bound to get a reaction from us Grannies.

I have a socially awkward husband slowly avoiding our chances to do stuff it's hard as I would like a bit more .Not decided to what to do .Being in this situation and married is quite frustrating as I feel life is slipping by,he is a good man yet I feel trapped by this situation ,so do I become hard nosed and risk being hurtful or do I remain frustrated .

By the way, I only suggested you asked him to come along on the assumption that he would say no. It would just be to show him that it was all above board.

Go and meet new people it will be something different from your caring roles and have you got a man shed in your area it is a new concept popping up all round the country a shed where men can meet up for a coffe and chat and they can offer life skills to other chaps and do new hobbies together, maybe he need another interest in his life then his would give you a break .ask at your local library if there are any other groups for men in your area.Hope this might be a help.

Do go Cheerfullizzy.
My late Mum was under my stepfathers thumb for many years. He would not allow her to make friends, in fact, if he saw her talking to someone, he would literally go up to them and verbally abuse them and also Mum in the street . He was a control freak who would do what HE wanted, but Mum was expected to be friendless, and indeed that's how she was apart from we, her Family.
Fast forward a few years, my stepfather died. Mum was invited to join a coffee morning. Mum was very, very reluctant but we, her Family, finally persuaded her to go and just give it a try at the very least.
Mum never looked back.
Mum quickly made many friends at the club, and for the first time in years, Mum was truly happy. Mum absolutely flourished.
I know that Mums' story is different to yours, but Cheerfullizzy, don't leave it too long and get to the point whereby, like Mum, you get so isolated that you do not even want to even try to get out and make friends. Life is far to short to feel lonely.
Good luck, and keep Gransnet up to date.?????.

Being an ex business women you must be used to standing your ground!! I think that's what's needed here. Don't give in to his domineering ways.

WW11girl, if I was your husband I probably wouldn't stand in you way either!

I can't believe it! Don't let your husband get away with such behaviour. Your a retired business woman as am I, so you know how to handle yourself...Go to that coffee morning....even if it causes an initial row..deal with it later. Nip his attitude in the bud now! I don't have friends outside of the home as like you I spent my life at work until I retired. However, I amd happy in my own company. I do go to a coffee morning, a knitting group and work in a charity shop 2 afternoons a week and have met a number of acquaintances and I sometimes have lunch or evenings out with them. My husband wouldn't dream of standing in my way. It allows each of us to have our own space (which everyone needs)and therefore a happy life together.

Perhaps he is thinking that he has not been as good a husband as he could have been and is worried that you might be looking for a replacement. But really I agree with nina1959 he is probably just worried that you will have more fun without him. But you should still go.

I don't think he's being selfish or controlling. If it's something new or that you don't normally do, he's probably worried you're going to go off, get a life and have more fun without him.
Men have feelings too and I think it's kinder to reassure him, still go and enjoy it but put his mind at rest for both your sakes. Sounds like you've been married a long time and it's worth making him feel that he's still your number 1 guy.
I've had a similar problem with my husband recently and I treated him the same way. It's all fine now.
We do have to nurture their ego's sometimes but I don't think it's wrong to be a bit sensitive. They can be fragile creatures just like us.
If he's often bossy and controlling, well that's different. But I didn't get this impression from your post.

If my husband treated me like that I'd tell him I wasn't going to go to the coffee morning because I had found somewhere where they drink, gamble, dance on the tables and every month have an orgy! Then see what he said about that!!

I wonder why the OP hasn' t come back to say if she is going to the coffee morning

GO GO GO ...and enjoy ! Since your leaflet says 'people' you can show him and say 'Come with me then'....if he refuses. you go anyway ! I wish there was something here like that !

In my case it#s different ...my OH says GO on holiday (he doesn't want to !) GO out for the day shopping ...in factm GO anywhere ...BUT since he has vasculaire dementia (early stages) and several other medical problems, can no longer drive and refuses to give up his dangerous electrical equipment in the shed, and refuses to stop climbing ladders I cannot go out and leave him for longer than, say, a few hours ......yesterday (I was home doing the ironing !) he was weeding and digging in the garden ...I looked out, he had fallen over and could not get up ....if I hadn't been home he would have had to stay there ....and so it goes on !

So please, whilst you can safely leave your husband and go out on your own, do so ....there may come a time when, like me, you cannot ! enjoy !