Moving forward

Can't read any more posts, as I'm off to Kent to see my sister, by the sea will be back Sunday evening to read more. Nice weekend all

God Bless you Violette I hope things get better for you, join a yoga class, your husband will be ok for an hour on his own and you will make friends, good friends, to go out with and even holidays xx

Luckylegs, a closed group does show the admin and members. Normally this isn't a problem because it's encouraging for others to join if they can see their friends are members, ie Delia Smiths school of cooking or Monty Don's school of gardening. You get the picture? It wouldn't be an issue.

But when the topic is sensitive such as estrangement, then it's tricky. That's why some groups are secret. No one can see anything.
I have noticed that on some of the open estrangement pages, they offer a secret group so even they have learned that discretion is wise.

For an ordinary friends meet and greet group, a closed group shouldn't really matter who the members are.

My advice would be not to start an estrangement group. Eventually we all have to move on with our lives and we need something to look forward to and pull us forwards. So a friends group is a good idea. No one can take offence at people just being friends with a view to having meet ups. If you pick a group name such as Friends In Suffolk or Friends Meet Up In Blackpool, you've got the right idea.

I personally don't belong to any, I work long hours. But I did belong to a friends group a couple of years ago and we had very pleasant meet ups several times a year. I miss them now but work beckons so they're on the back burner for now.

I put Estrangement into search bar on FB and several threads came up, clicked the first one which said it was a closed group click to ask to join, but there in front of me were pictures of many faces, with their names, 90per cent young, the others older couples, for everyone to see. I didn't look, I would have been horrified to see my d there. Therefore FB not for me, I would have thought a closed group would not show such information until it had accepted you to join.

? ????? ??? ?

Someone's PM'd me about how to set up an FB meet up group.

Here's what you do.

1. You need your own personal FB account first.

2. Whoever sets up the group will be the admin and can invite and add their friends as members.

3. On the left side of your FB page, you'll see 'groups' listed. Click on it so it opens and then at the top right, you'll see 'create group'. Click on this and follow the prompts to start your own group.

4. You'll need to think of a group name and add a written description for what the groups about. You might need to add a few basic rules such as not copying or sharing posts, etc although if it's a closed group, you can't share posts due to FB privacy settings.

5. To add your friends, they will need their own FB account.

6. You can choose your group's privacy settings to open, closed, secret.
Open means the whole world can see posts. Closed means only group members can see posts but the group title is visible online and others may wish to join. Secret means the group is completely invisible and only admin can add their own friends. It's probably best to start off with a closed group so your usual friends can find you after you've invited them. If you invite them and it's secret, they can't see you.

7. Once you've got it set up, it's best to add another admin as well as yourself just in case you lose your password or something happens.

8. That's it. You can then arrange your meet ups and take your group in the direction you want.

Good luck!

Thankyou DanniRae, I appreciate your gesture. I really feel for all of you and I understand all the emotions involved.
I'm not always on GN, in fact I'm not on any forums. But I do run two women's FB groups which tick along in a happy, friendly way.
I work full time so my time is committed but I know there are parents out there feeling very left out of things so it's good to bring the estrangement topic to light just in the same way it's good to bring any other unfair treatment to light. It's how we fix things. I hope the UK follows France and makes it law for grandparents to know their grandchildren. I believe there are people campaigning full time for this to happen. I'm not one of them due to time restraints but I try to offer support in other ways.
Keep your chin up. Know you're not alone by any means x

nina some for you as you seem such a caring person xx

I have a small friends FB support group if any of you want to join. You will need to be on FB so I can add you. If you're not on FB and don't know how to open an account, PM me and I'll help you.
But otherwise, don't sit there feeling cut off and isolated. You can either join my group or start your own. FB has safety and privacy measures so it is a good way to connect with others in similar situations.

I work so I don't see my messages straight away but I hope this helps.

Violette, hugs. I am thinking of you. xx

Just offering thoughts about a group. I used to run one, in fact I think I was one of the first who brought this topic out into the open by starting a group. Prior to this there was little in the way of parents being connected to any form of support. Their plight was invisible and so were they.

So I began my group and within a short time, we were swamped by people from all over the world wanting to join. This was OK but I soon learned that emotions ran high in such a group and once it got so large, it was impossible to moderate or check all the posts. Fights broke out often and when members were dotted around in different time zones, I'd often wake up to a lot of PM#s demanding to know why I hadn't removed certain offending posts. Well the reason was because I was in bed asleep and hadn't seen the rude posts .

I also worked so I couldn't devote more time than I was already giving. Then there were the long drawn out life stories leaving nothing out of the imagination. In the end, I had to include more and more group rules mostly about protecting the privacy of others by not posting comments that would identify a real living person.

Some of the stories were dreadful and I began to feel as though it was hard not being sucked down into a never ending pit of despair just while I was trying to pull myself up.
So I changed the group name to suggest that it was more upbeat and aimed at taking us all forward. There was a backlash with people actually feeling jealous that while some were ready to move on, others were stuck and couldn't think of ever being happy again.
In the end, I handed the group over to someone else for my own sanity and I continued to research estrangement and write the odd article.

Today, what I would suggest is that a much smaller group is the best way to go. There are now plenty of online estrangement groups but if you wanted to start your own small, friends group, this is the best way to go. Just keep it a closed group between the friends that you know here.
Only allow new members if they are known by current members, (sometimes family members using a fake ID will try and join) and just keep it for yourselves.
It works brilliantly well this way and is very, very helpful and a good way to make long term friends which is a positive result.

Violette, wise words indeed from cheerfulluzzy.
Smileless, brilliant idea about a group, it is a subject not aired and most of keep hidden for too long, feeling it's just us and we failed somehow. It can do nothing but good getting it out there. I have thought for sometime that the public should be made aware of this problem in our society along with lonliness.

Violette, what an amazing woman you seem, completely selfless, kind, caring...you deserve better, yes, of course you have a conscience, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a little happiness & life of your own...I completely understand the packing a case scenario, but please...do something for yourself...get out , take yourself for tea somewhere nice..& just 'be' for an hour or two, and do not feel guilty about this. connect with groups in any way you can, meet up with fellow gransnet ladies near you ???
this can't go on....you are important, start living,

I will come back and post more. Thinking of you all. x

Violette

Violette - some for you.

Sending a big hug to anyone who needs it. Sometimes I get very lonely but I force myself to make an effort. U3A are good, I also go to silver cinema, it's cheap and you get a cuppa, and many of the people are on their own. We also have walking for health groups. I went to the library and found that there are often informative walks , you sometimes have to pay a small fee but they are interesting. I have also committed to doing a few hours charity work each week, this makes me focus on other people. This site is great for getting contact with others and feeling less alone

It's very difficult; I usually have a self indulgent meltdown early December when I get a bit nostalgic. I cope by treating myself ( not necessarily materialistically) I have tried several times to talk to my siblings and take comfort from that. It's nice to know that you all understand and would be great support X

Do you have a U3A in your area? Google it to find out. Ours has nearly 1,000 members, many of them ladies on their own, and there are over 60 interest groups within it. There's bound to be something to interest you, and if not you can form another group. People are retired, or semi-retired. We have talks once a month, and a social morning once a month. It really is a life-saver so do have a go.

VIOLETTE ✨?✨

Sad to hear there are so many others like me who have suffered an 'estrangement' ...mine from D ..have no idea if she is married ..saw a pic online of her , her partner and a child but don't know whose child it is ....she has been 'gone' 10 years and I only find out where to online ! Also quite isolated here where we live OH has several problems health wise, does not want to go out and will not have people here ...because he can no longer drive and I cannot leave him on his own, my life is very difficult ...BUT although sometimes, as he is very unkind also, I have actually got as far as packing a case ..to go where ? with what ? I have no friends and no family ...would likely end up living in a tent somewhere ! My conscience would not let me leave him although he makes my life intolerable sometimes....to do what ?! my only 'life' is online with groups like this ....you keep me sane ! Thank you all !

Parklife I don't know where you live, but locally to me there are free health walks going on where you can walk with people to chat to and how about the WI as this is no longer a stuffy as it was once and fairly cheap. Our WI has organised walks every month, ladies who lunch, cinema outings, a book group, knit and natter etc. If the U3A groups you want to join are full then ask if they have a waiting list, if they do and it is fairly long then consider starting a second group yourself, they will give you help to do so and the others on the waiting list will thank you for it! Our U3A also does lots of walks so again you would have someone to chat with. Our local leisure centre gives a small discount to the over 60s for classes and there is a cheap 45mins each day for swimming. Unless you live somewhere very rural I think there will be quite a bit going on, join it all and have a go, some you will love, some you will hate, but you will fill your days.

Good luck

Except for the jogging Smileless that would half kill me lol I agree with your post entirely.

Parklife don't be too hard on yourself. As you say walking is free and so keep up with that, it's therapeutic too, can clear the mind. When you are feeling up to it then you could look around in your area at volunteer opportunities to suit your interests, this comes free too and will boost up your self esteem, give the rewards of feeling as if you belong again.

I've been thinking about putting an ad in our local paper to see if there's anyone trying to deal with a family estrangement and if there's any interest in setting up a self help/support group.

It just takes time maidmarion, and for some it takes longer than it does for others and that's OK because we're all different and in different situations.

I found this thought process quite useful in the early days. If I decided I wanted to run the London Marathon, I wouldn't put on my running shoes and try to run 26 miles, I'd train for it.

I'm a hopeless runner so I'd have to begin with power walking, then part power walking and part jogging. I'd try and do one mile before attempting 2 or 3. Some people train for a year before they enter the race, I'd have to start training at least 2 years before to have any hope of finishing.

For me, that's how I've approached coping with estrangement; one step, one day at a time and on very bad days, half a day at a time and not beating myself up if I had a bad day where I just sat around, moping and crying. We can't expect to just 'get over it'; in reality we'll never 'get over it' we'll carry it around for the rest of our lives but it can, will and does get easier to live with.

When you're ready, exercise is good. Go swimming and/or join a gym. Go for walks which is really great if you have someone to walk with.

I don't know how long you've been estranged, it's 4.5 years for us and in the last 18 months we've improved far more than we did in the first 3 years. The most beneficial thing was moving 5 months ago; a huge step and not for everyone I know but boy oh boy what an enormous difference it's made to the quality of our lives.

I look back, especially to the first 2 years and I don't know how we got through; I'm both amazed and proud that we did. There's a plaque at the gym I go too, it says "Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go".

We were someone before we became wives, mothers and GM's. We had a life before we lost the person we are now estranged from and we have a life even though they are no longer a part of it; now we have to live it.

After being widowed(at 57) & then moving (2 years ago) to be nearer DD & DGS, completely new location but I have joined Meet-up, it's great as Bluebe11 says. I only go to things that interest me but great for meeting allsorts of different people. I also got involved with our Local Community Care group after a spell in Hospital, we have a monthly Lunch & Afternoon Tea also occasional trip out.

I could have been very lonely but at (now)61 I want to fill my time with friends & activities as well as time with my family. I know how hard it must be to no longer have contact with DC & DGC but I think the answer is to find new activities to fill at least some of the time.