Marriage separation advice needed

Thank you again for the further advice and ideas - so helpful.
Starlady - we haven't reached the 'heart to heart' stage yet - I think my DD is loath (mistakenly on her part) to burden us with her problems. I just want to have some practical suggestions in store for when she does.

I think it is money well spent to sort out all the child access and financial provision. Your DD should not leave the family home as I think that is considered making herself voluntarily homeless. But that is why hood and specialist advice is best. Many solicitors are family mediation specialists. Check that out if she decides good legal advice is best.
What can start as amicable can quickly deteriorate.

I was also going to suggest CAFCASS and www.theparentconnection.org.uk They are both very good websites with lots of information for separating parents. The information is specifically helpful where there are children involved as it looks at the areas to consider around them so that they feel secure. There are even plans you can fill in and sign so that you formalise an agreement dealing with the children and both parents going forward.

I would advise her to have the free 30 minutes to get a basic idea of what is involved. Sadly many people can become very awkward once they start to realise that money is involved eg housing, paying for children. Can she be sure he will pay his share of the children live with her? Hope all works out well. This sort of situation is heartbreaking for all involved , one of my DDs has been through it. Plus side is that she is now happier than she ever was with her ex.

What alig99 says. Also, get things like a phone contract in DD's own name. If all bills etc have been in the husband's name she might struggle. Get her to open a bank account in her own name.

You can go into a family law solicitors office and they can give you a 30 minute free consultation...advice on rights etc...worth it, then you can go elsewhere for the divorce if you make a final decision.

Dd has some ideas of her own about this, surely?

I recmomend she looks at their finances before she leaves. Make sure all family and individual payments are up to date Know state of savings and where they are placed. No partners salary and copy all relevant paperwork which relates to finances, salaries and any debt. The reality is should could end up with his and all the family debt so she needs to know how things stand before she talks to anyone IMHO. Wish her good luck.Ali

Basic cost is now £470 - it used to be much lower. My DD had to pay this a few months ago despite having very little money ( we paid in the end). It's fine if there's nothing to settle/argue about. DD and BSIL came to their own agreement. - much cheaper for them both. My sister had to get a solicitor for her divorce because their was money and pensions etc to be sorted- solicitors really dragged it out and sister and her ex paid thousands each for the divorce.

There is a really useful organisation called rights of Women. Check out their website. They gave my daughter lots of free advice by telephone. there is also the family law society and gingerbread.
Sorry I don't have their numbers.

mixed feelings about mediation. they charge £195 per session from each parent. that's £400 per session. My daughter was worried about letting her ex have access because he kept threatening to take them away to live abroad with him and his girlfriend. She felt after the first two meeting that he was still controlling not only the situation and her but also the mediator seemed charmed by him. She didn't feel that the outcome was fair or that the mediator fully listened. She did agree access and they both signed but it is not legally binding and he refuses to get it signed off by a solicitor. So everytime they go to their dad's she is worried they won't be returned. However you can't get anything to court these days without saying that you have been to mediation. Although it is a bit of a racket it is all we have at the moment in the system.

Daisyboots quickie divorce. com is still going, starting price is now £37. The service from them was fantastic. Are you sure on the court costs ? as it seems to have gone up a hell of a lot if the cost you say is right. Have a look at quickie divorce, they really are helpful.

We had a go at fixing things through Relate - it didn't work because my ex had already set up a relationship elsewhere, but I'm confident that if both parties were remotely interested in fixing the marriage, it would have provided a way to do that.

If they are likely to agree on property/money issues, and who gets the kids with what visiting rights, then a quickie divorce might well work. If you go for a no-fault divorce, then I think some degree of mediation is a required part of the process.

My divorce turned out not to be terribly amicable - he wanted his 50% NOW, at the cost of turfing our disabled daughter out of the house with no fallback - and I found a solicitor was tremendously helpful, brokering an arrangement that let me keep the house and pay him off over 2 years.

I learnt that 33 years of love and trust were irrelevant once love had died. On his part. Overnight, it seemed, I wasn't negotiating with someone who wanted the best for both of us, or the children, but only for himself. I'm very glad I went down the solicitor route, because I would not have beleived the change was possible until it happened.

How sad for all concerned. The Children's Act has a lot to say about how the children's interests must come first. If there is any possibility that things can be kept amicable it can save a lot of money and misery.

Solicitors are not always good at this and mediation can be useful.
There is the CAFCASS service but there are also independent mediators who are skilled in keeping people talking until things are sorted to as near everyone's satisfaction as possible.

At the end of the mediation session an agreement can be drawn up and signed which is then legally binding, if mediation fails then it is not mentioned in court hearings how that happened.

Eventually in even what present as very broken situations, things can calm down so the least upset the better, espceially when dealing with the children.

Unfortunately you can no longer get a divorce for £50 doing it yourself. The fee for applying to the court is something like £420.

CAB is a good source of help, and for legal matters around the children, if they can't agree anything between them, www.childrenslegalcentre.com

Mediation can be really helpful - I believe CAFCASS have a service called (I think) Supporting Separating Families in Dispute. I don't know if it is countrywide, or even if it is still going but there should be information on the CAFCASS website.

The children should be able to access support at their schools, if they are of school age. Most schools have a mentor or pastoral support staff, who are trained in supporting children with any emotional upsets.

If there are problems relating to the house, she can apply for an Occupation Order - her local council should have details, but the CAB can also help with this.

She should also look into a Child Arrangement Order (which used to be residency or contact orders), which will state where the children will live and what contact they have with the non resident parent.

If the separation is due to domestic violence, she can also contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence - www.ncdv.org.uk - who can help her with Non Molestation and other legal orders.

I suggest she go to her local Citizens Advice Bureau for advice on all aspects of separation and divorce, children, money, rights to the home, etc. Good luck, I hope they manage to keep it amicable, if only for the sake of the children.

Many thanks for all your advice - very helpful and reassuring.
I would never have known about quickiedivorce.com and have bookmarked it!

Just remember you dont need a solicitor For divorce as long as both parties agree on arrangments for any children involved. Solicitors make a fortune out of the misery of divorece. I used quickie divorce.com (i know, sounds nasty) but it only cost me approx £50, i filled the form in on line and they sent me the printed paperwork to take to the court office where i swore an affidavit paid £7 for the decree nisi paperwork and 6 weeks and 1 day later had my decree absoloute. My friend divorced at the same time, same issues and it cost her £5570 for exactly the same bit of paper.

Such a shame for everyone involved. My DD and her ex are now divorced. They did not use mediation, there would have been no point. The reason for divorce was his unreasonable behaviour, basically he was an evil swine. I would advise that initially your DD should go to Citizens Advice, they were a huge help to my DD.

Mediation is good if her husband will go for it. You can arrange details without the antagonism of separate solicitors.
You will need solicitors to do the legal bit at the end. If the property is rented it may depend on what basis and whose name is on the rent book. Children may not be at risk but will be very upset, depends on what ages they are as to what happens to them.

My children had left home before I divorced. My ex agreed to mediation, but then turned nasty when they didn't agree with him 100% so it cost a lot in the end.