Family dynamics

I went to a seminar once and as an ice-breaker we had to move into 3 groups. First born children, youngest family members and middle siblings.

As one of the youngest our group were quite saitified with our family dynamics, we all liked our place in the family and admitted to using it to our advantage. The middles didn't know what to think and the largest group were the first borns and as it was a seminar for teachers that explains a lot. Many teachers are eldest siblings used to looking after others and haveing the last word.

My brother grew up jealous of me and he never grew out of it amd my sisters seemed not so bothered, but I notice that DD1 watches carefully whether I treat DD2 the same or whether I 'spoil' her.

ps Every family seems to have one!

Your DC and your DGC are the ones who really matter; the rest are old enough to look after themselves or have their own parents/grandparents to help.

This does seem to happen so often with families and it is not always the oldest one who is the 'carer'.

Trisher is right Maw, if you are a caring person then you will continue to be so and you shouldn't change. Make sure your care goes on the right people though. Look after yourself and your husband as well as others.

How many of us as the oldest child were forced into this roll of looking after people, fixing the problem, being the 'responsible' one. Iooking back I see this was the case for me.

I completely agree that in some families people settle into their allotted roles and never really shift out of them.
We recently had a family upset, and was quite shocked at how much responsibility I wanted to take on in dealing with it, even though it should clearly have been dealt with by someone else. somewhere along the line I had absorbed the message that I was the responsible matriarch (aka, how true! chief cook & bottle washer!)
My own experience has led me to think that it is important to reflect on why one does these things / accepts these roles. It seems to me that no-one else thinks they have to think about you because you will cope (how well I remember my parents telling me that was why more time & money went on my siblings!)

I also think it important to distinguish between things you can't control (BiL's behaviour and his arrangements for his children) and how you react (possibly issuing few invitations, or putting conditions on them?)

Self pity may be an unattractive emotion, but a few moments having a good moan (especially somewhere like this) can help you to stand up straight and carry on.

I'd also add - please take this in the spirit in which it is intended - that on an open forum you have included the kind of details that might lead to recognition (a country, specific illness, exact location of lunch etc). I don't know if you are OK with that, or let more slip than you might like.

I always think the word spoiled is so apt. They never seem to grow out of it.

"Who had a blind spot"

Some food for thought, and thank,younfor your comments. BIL was poorly as a baby and basically spoiled by his mother who Mahdi a complete blind spot to,his faults. The 2 sisters have continued in MIL's mode , giving him a "home" every summer when he would come back to the UK for several weeks for conferences and research, picking him up from the airport etc One, the youngest, is beginning to see the light but her sister can see no fault in anyone.
Of his 2 marriages it is clear to see what went wrong. The daughter from his first marriage is a charming and talented woman in her mid 30's who saw very little of him as a child , and consequently not screwed up - unlike her half sister who is 17 (mother the same age as our eldest DD!) and has been brought up as a "princess" playing her indulgent parents off against each other . Every time she has come to family do's with us she has either talked non-stop about herself or glued herself to her iPhone for the duration and has shown no interest in being a part of he family except when she has needed accommodation, chauffeuring and so on. They deserve each other!!
But to go back to early influences, it is interesting to see how one spoilt brat has reared another. MIL would have been so sad.

DH's family spoil that argument Starlady. DH's eldest brother was always the responsible one and DH was always in trouble - he brought the school out on strike once!

You are totally right to be cross with them all MawB, hope you can enjoy some of the day inspite of the family attitudes. You know, others are right, there are those people who do think about others and those who don't. Maybe try holding back from being the one who arranges things, see what happens and see how much it matters to you both. Sometimes its better to do it as otherwise we lose out, other times we find we really don't miss occasions and people as much as we thought. Keep strong, you've a lot going on, hope your husband is feeling more human now and you can have a restful evening.

At the risk of spouting a lot of psychobabble, I'm going to guess that it does have something to do with "sblings," Maw. They probably fell into certain roles, as kids - dh the "eldest" and the "responsible one who takes care of the others," bil the "helpless one," who always needs taking care of, etc. Bil is probably used to the others always "taking care of" him and doesn't even think to do anything for any of the others, particularly not dh who has been the perrenniel "big brother."

That doesn't really excuse him, imo. He's a grown man now and should know enough to break the pattern and show some concern for his older brother. But, unfortunately, that's not happening.

I think it's wonderful that you and dh have done so much over the years for family. There must be a special place in Heaven for such loving, generous people as you 2. However, I agree with pps that it's time to stop, particularly since dh is ill. Hopefully, someone else will step up, after a while. Maybe even one of the younger generation will pick up the torch.

But if not, oh well. Right now, imo, you need to care for yourself and dh. So sorry he's sick, but hope he's feeling better soon. And hope you both have a lovely, relaxing Easter.

I'm sad for you and DH, Maw, but can totally empathise!

DH is number 3 out of 4 boys and, I know men aren't brilliant at keeping in touch, but DH tries his best to stay in contact with them and I with their wives.

BiL1 is a nightmare and has what we have dubbed 'selfish old man syndrome'. We only ever hear from him when he needs money (he's bl**dy nearly 80) or his love life is in a mess (usually those two events coincide!) or when he returns to the UK from his love nest and needs somewhere to stay, borrow a car etc etc. His daughter is going through a rough patch and we get messages asking us to go and see how she is

BiL2 isn't too bad but is very stubborn and won't accept any advice about his health. He and his wife have a weird relationship with their children and don't see them often but put us under pressure to have a 3 line whip for our family when they come to stay.

BiL3 is the least trouble because we rarely hear from him but he lives in South Africa so we would quite like to hear from him to know that he and his family are ok!!

All four brothers are the product of very expensive educations and have had highly paid professional careers.

Oh Chewbacca I'm so glad its not just me that simply can't mask my feelings! I've tried hard over the years to pin on a smile but nobody seems to be fooled by it
Maw is it not time someone spelt things out to your BiL?

I admire you for being able to do that Pertra , I wish I could but I just can't. I'm one of those unfortunate people that every thought and emotion shows only too clearly on my face. It's got me into no end of bother over the years. As a result of my "affliction", I only go to gatherings that I genuinely want to be a part of and just ignore any others. I also don't allow anyone over my threshold that I don't actually want there. Relief!

I'm never surprised anymore by anything that families do to their own. But what really really pisses me off is when I'm forced to be pleasant and civil at family gatherings.
I do this mental thing now where I mentally put on my other head, put I big smile on my face and think: oh well, only a couple of hours and then home.

Not my family. I didn't mean to say they are spongers. I meant your family. Oh dear this is getting worse. (Slinks off in shame to eat Maltesers bunny........)

Go for it annsixty!!
I used to get flowers for the grown ups, chocolate eggs for nephew and niece if she was around, but not going there any more. Nephew is a sweet kind undemanding young man and I hope he does not let his mother be a doormat.
BIL who despite everything has no pension, but not inconsiderable assets (and an equally self centred daughter who is yet to go through university) was heard to joke (?) that when he runs out of money, his sister will support him. Huh! Over my dead body!

Sorry that should have been my S not D. Her two children had a cheque sent and she (not they) rang me to say thank you.

It is just people Maw
We should expect it by now.
My D and exDiL know I have eggs and presents for the GC and their other siblings and know we can't get to them and are on our own.
If they don't come sometime today I will eat the eggs and spend the 8x £10 notes on myself.

I guess because you always seem cheerful, capable and managing well they all assume that you are, well, cheerful, capable and managing well? Bet they would all be shocked to the core if you became self pitying and demanding like quite a lot of elderly mature people I know. My family just assume I am fine so I sometimes feel a bit neglected too. Add into that the fact they are spongers anyway!

He thinks he's a total sh*t if truth be told!!
He is also not happy with the way he feels BIL is taking advantage of sis. Again, being the protective brother!!

I m told ..... the more you do the more is expected and it's only when you stop doing than anyone else will step in however you do run the gauntlet of them not stepping up and therefore not seeing them again risky but ......

It's just people in general MawBroon they seem to fall into the "caring" and "uncaring" categories and once you are in one nothing can transfer you into the other one. You and DH are obviously the caring part of your family and BIL is an 'uncarer'. My gran would have said" you'll get your reward in heaven" I prefer to think that people like BIL will end their lives uncared for, unvisited and alone while others reap the rewards and are surrounded by their loving offspring.
(My brother has just brought a new car, rang my mum to tell her and could have tested it out by driving up to see her. He won't. He visits once a year just before Christmas. She is 94 and as far as he is concerned my responsibility!)
Al you can do is say F--- them and try to be happy.