Celibate marriage

If I thought it would work, I might even risk the Daily Fail. Mind you, not sure what my children would say. I distinctly remember one of them being mortified because I got pregnant when she was 16 because ALL her friends would know what we'd been doing! I pointed out that we had had to have ICSI and the reality was far worse...she wasn't impressed.

Petra Am due for a review next month for my BP check, so will ask. Fingers crossed!!

Lewlew
They didn't give an explanation, just said we aren't doing this service anymore, and yes, it was the only thing that worked and I've tried every lotion and potion known to man you have to laugh.

petra Tue 25-Apr-17 13:05:22
Did they tell you why? That's kind of sad. Did it help you?

Elephants? Yikes... have you ever seen a breeding elephant in full bloom? (I watch too much Africam)

icanhandthemback
In the link from Lewlew it mentions the testosterone implant. I can vouch for this procedure but unfortunately my health service stopped it.

.... with an elephant ???

I look forward to the headlines in the Daily Mail

"Granny goes on sex rampage"(??)

Lewlew, I can certainly ask my Dr if that would help. I think I might need the sort of dose which would excite an elephant though

True, BlueBelle, what went on before is "not our business," and so the op doesn't have to talk about that if she doesn't choose to. She doesn't "have to" talk about any of this anymore if she doesn't want to. But when one posts on a forum like this, there are bound to be questions, imo, especially if one starts a story at what appears to be the middle or the end. The op realizes this surely and was prepared to answer such questions (or to choose not to answer them).

I agree, also, the the sd issue is a bit of a red herring. People can sometimes be influenced by others, of course. But if there isn't already a problem in a marriage, it's not likely that a 3rd party can convince one of the spouses to leave.

Again, not our business, as you say. But the op asked if she's "clutching at straws," and, imo, it's a little hard to truly advise her on that if we're only given half (or less) of the story. But, of course, that's her right if that's what she prefers to do.

icanhandthemback I went into early menopause when we lived in the US and my gynaecologist (you see one of them vs a GP for women's health) prescribed a low dose of testosterone along with the HRT. It's availability is very limited in the UK which is unfortunate.

www.healthspan.co.uk/menopause-advice/libido/testosterone-replacement-therapy-menopause-and-libido-the-facts

My libido is tanking, so I am thinking of asking my GP (a woman) who has known me for 15 years if she will let me try it. I absolutely adore my husband as well!!

Good Luck Nanabird. I hope it all works out for you both. Give it time though, it may be two steps forward and one back. I'm glad you've decided to become more independent, it'll help you no end. Perhaps your DH would benefit from a new interest too.

There are sexual counsellors you can see if your husband is committed to a full relationship. It sounds like he is not completely disinterested in you if he is happy to cuddle, kiss, etc. He might have got it into his head that he "can't" perform with you for some reason so avoids it. I hope you get what you want and you can start to work towards happiness. For my part, I adore my husband but have completely lost my libido and he finds it very difficult. However, sex has absolutely nothing to do with the way I feel about him. I want to want sex, I really do but nothing seems to help. I hope nobody would advise my DH to walk away because of something that seems entirely out of my control.

Thanks for your comments, definately not a male just someone with another point of view. I haven't been on the site long so haven't been brainwashed yet into the humourless 'it may be pre dementia' mind set which seems to stalk the page. Early days yet.

Would be lovely I am sure, if we all thouught the very same thing, then we wouldn't need the GN or other people we could just sit at home thinking that anyone with an alternative world view was wrong /demented / or a chauvenist but then the world woud be very dull wouldn't it?

I totally agree starlady think there's much more to it than this ending but it's not our business and Nanabird is obviously wanting to move on from the thread now

Blaming the step daughter is just another red herring or another straw whichever way you see it

Enjoy your life whichever way it goes Nanabird and hopefully your husband enjoys his too

The best thing you've said is you're becoming more independent.

Stand back now and see him from a different perspective.

I admire your tenacity and I hope you finally achieve what is a "normal" loving relationship with a partner.

Glad things are better but that you put some boundaries on it, nanabird! I feel as if there's more to this story than you've told us. Sd sounds like a meddler and may be "poisonous" as you say. But why would she advise dh to leave? Something else must have been going on before that festival surely?

But only you and dh can know that, of course, and it's in the past. I hope you two find a way to move on together, Or, if not, that you are able to part amicably. Glad you're becoming more independent, either way. Good luck!

Hi Nanabird. You are in a situation that, sadly, is not uncommon for many reasons. You haven't established the reason in your case - as LuckyGirl says, it could have been an affair, or drugs. Whatever it was, it affected him enough to want a divorce. Have you never been able to find out - after all these years? From my own experience, our sex life ended 15 years ago, suddenly. He just stopped wanting to do anything, although was always kind and affectionate. I tried talking about it and saying how unhappy and rejected I felt - it only made things worse as he felt under pressure to "perform" and guilty because of how I was feeling. In the end I settled for what is a lovely close relationship without the physical intimacy. It's great if you still have that in your 60's and 70's but not essential - indeed, I have a friend who is the same age and has the opposite problem! I often think that statins and depression after the death of his mother played a great part in the libido loss. Then, as the years go by, they lose confidence and it is so true, if you don't use it, you lose it! However, I have learned to count my blessings as we have a great life in every other respect and are great and loving companions. He also has very early dementia, which fortunately has stayed about the same for 3 years, but I think that the brain plays a large part in all these things. Your case is somewhat different because of whatever it was that happened when he was away. If you can't talk about it and you are now happy together, then move on and develop what you have. Or move on and find a new relationship. There's a lot more to happiness than a good sex life and, nice as it would be to have both, there are so many women who are in the same boat, you'd be surprised. All the very best of luck and, if you can, talk about how he is feeling and what happened all those years ago. If he thinks there'll be no blame or guilt involved, it might really help.

Well I have been amazed at the response to my post. Yes, what about the money - well I can't change what's happened. As to that festival he has said nothing happened out of the ordinary, he gave up working there 2 years ago. He was he says very very tired and everything came to a head after the 2009 festival. I also know that my eldest step daughter is poisonous, and encouraged him to leave. Funny he hardly sees her now, and its nothing I've said, he can go visit anytime he likes. Miracles can happen but in this case I doubt it. We are both going to have to really work at this relationship. I have told him I have no wish to live with him as a friend. I've been mega patient or stupid!! I have decided to become more independent, and take up interests I've dropped over the years. I've stated clearly that if we haven't been able to improve our relationship both emotionally and physically, 12 months from now then sadly it's the end. Can't say I haven't tried!!

Hmmmm yes BlueBelle I do love a happy ending. Sadly I'm not sure this will be the case but wish them both well.

Well that's all good news hopefully it will all work out, shame you have had so long to fester and almost miraculous that your present little talk has done everything that hasn't been achieved by anyone all these long years..... just goes to show eh ....happy ever after ending

What about all the other stuff?
The money, the music festivals?

But good luck anyway.

Thanks for all imput on this. Just to clear up a few things, because of his behaviour I thought it may be Althziemers - and he was going like his Mum. (this may help other people). I made one app with our GP she did the simple test in the surgery - most 8 year olds could do. That was fine, then she said as a matter if course the mental health team would be in touch. They came out and did the more complicated test - all you medics will know what its called! The 2 nurses were kindness itself, caring, and professional. He did well in the test, the senior nurse asked him about his family, this was difficult for him. Both parents died some years before and I don't think his parents were very loving. (We cared for his Dad and lived in the farm to look after him for several years. He was not a nice person). That's when the Snr nurse suggested Hubby might have depression. I reckon she was right. The nurse asked him to make an app to see our GP so that maybe she could prescribe some tablets to help him feel better, which he did. 2 days later he had a call from the surgery to say cancel the app and instead they wanted him to see clinical physiologist. This was all from my initial 1 phone call, I just needed to know if he was going like his Mum so I could make sure we got things like the latest drugs to help him. I went with him at his request and was horrified at the way the psychologist conducted things. She asked well told him he was much better now. I was gutted and didn't like to ask him to see anyone else. I hadn't a leg to stand on! So we have struggled on. The thing is -
you can reason with someone who is reasonable, but you can't reason with someone who is unreasonable!!
I see light on the horizon though he says he does love me and wants us to have a loving sexual relationship. I've been harbouring great anger over the years, I have to let this go. We want to go forward now together. We want to accept the people we are now. What are the words to that old song?
"I'd rather live in his life than be without him in mine". Wish us luck . Thanks and hugs to you all for your contributions.

Hi I was married for 40 years after a lot of problems my husband walked out. Within 2 months he had moved in with someone else and he is getting married to her this year. I was devastated at first but it has been 2 years now and I have moved on. I have made lots of new friends and I am enjoying my life. You can too things will not get any better you are holding on to a husband who clearly has fallen out of love with you. You deserve better take the plunge! If you want to make friends join Meetup they have been fantastic for me I have made lots of friends. Maggie

Could he have been attacked or worse , and decided that the sexual act is hurtful and unnecessary, or could he have picked up a sexual infection that he's scared he'll pass on to you ?