warning to those that cut off grandparents from their grandchildren

Dil, agree with Smileless, your situation is completely different from the original posters situation, which is tragic given she has been given a terminal prognosis and was an ordinary loving mother who's dil decided she wanted her out of their lives. Those valuable years with her family can't come back.
Another thread for you on Abuse might help you as there will be people who have suffered as you have. No child deserves sexual abuse, I know I couldn't forgive it, perhaps that is wrong of me, but there it is. I hope you get some answers.

I second that Smileless re new thread, it would be more appropriate, I think DIL needs to read the Original post.

I shall reiterate that DIL does not owe them any reason or explanation. But many times people put things out of their mind because they don't want to deal with it. Or they make up excuses and justification for what they did or didn't do. It's up to you to decide DILif you want to explain the estrangement.

No one's said that you do owe your parents a reason for not having contact with them DIL1991, it was merely suggested that you may consider giving them an explanation.

Bearing in mind the extremely moving and tragic original post that started this thread, would it not be more appropriate for another thread to be started to discuss abuse in child hood as a reason for CO parents?

DIL1991, You don't owe her or them anything, one abused and one looking the other way.

Why is it my job to tell her that. She should be able to figure out "my husband abided my daughter, I may not have "actually" abused her but I played a part in allowing it to happen and therefore was indirectly involved in it.
My parents failed to protect me as a child. Now I'm choosing to protect my children from people who hurt me.

But why do I owe them a reason if I am the victim of their abuse. They know damn well they abused me. I'm not responsible for anyone's feeling but my own. Also just because they are my parents does not mean I am a child. I am an adult and a peer to them now. I shouldn't be talked down to or spoken to like I'm a child. I'm a mom too and deserve respect too.

What a dreadful event! There's a whole thread about it in the News & Politics section.

I hope all of you and your friends and loved ones are okay after that bomb at the concert in Manchester.

I know I said earlier, "They each know what they did." But now it occurs to me that mum may not recognize that she's at fault in any way/may put all the blame on the dad.

I think DIL1991's dad knows if he committed sexual abuse. If he's in denial, her telling him might not help.

Her mother might not realize that DIL is angry at her too for failing to protect her. So yes, she might want to tell them for that reason.

And I never said that she OWED them any explanation. I just suggested she may want to tell them explicitly why she has cut them off.

BibbityThe reason I suggested that she tell her parents is that, even with abuse, many people are clueless or they erase it from their mind. My son had to tell his father ( my x) that he had been and still is abusive to him and his sister. He had no idea .
He mother needs to be told that she was a partner in the physical abuse by not stopping it. Just my opinion and you don't have to agree.

Madgranyour parents in law were indeed fortunate that you and your DH were prepared to discuss your concerns with them and find a way to maintain your relationship so they could continue to be a part of your family.

I agree that CO is seen by some AC as the only option when other avenues haven't even been considered. It's been said time and time again on the estrangement threads that where there's been abuse CO is perfectly understandable butthere are so many loving parents and GP's who've been CO for no good reason, and for many of those a reason is never given.

DIL1991, no you have no reason to contact.

Rhinestone. DIL does not owe her larents any sort of explanation. She owes the less than nothing.
If they don't know why they've been CO then who cares. They deserve to suffer for the abuse they caused.

No, DIL1991, you should NOT "just roll over and accept them back into (your) life." Your parents betrayed you in the worst possible way. They each know what they're guilty of and they can't really fix it. Frank discussion won't help here.

I wonder if your mom "invents illnesses" to try to play on your sympathies and resume some kind of relationship with you? Glad you're not falling for it.

DILYou have every right to cut off your parents for sexual abuse. I feel badly that you had this happen to you. Just wondering if you told them why? They need to be told if you haven't done so. Being cut off, as many of us have experienced on this thread, without an explanation serves no one. And many of us don't know why we are estranged. I have no tolerance for abuse but for some their EC got a bug up their butt and had no real reason to estrange themselves. Some feel entitled to cut off their parents because they didn't get their way or some other feeling of entitlement.
We only want to have communication and know what the problem is so it can be rectified.

DIL1991 no you shouldn't ...I don't think anyone is suggesting there is never a case for cut off and sexual abuse must be up there as a valid reason!! But I do believe CO is too easily instigated by too many too soon, without discussions like the ones I described in my earlier post. The problem for grandparents is that the parents hold most of the cards which makes instigating those conversations difficult as grandparents. I think my parents in law were lucky that we were willing to talk and get through increasingly difficult issues, and our children enjoyed a generally good relationship with them, mutually beneficial to all.

Paddyanne.... Such a generalisation!.

What about those grandparents who invent illnesses and over exaggerate everything. My mom is one. I've actually cut my parents off due to triggers sexual abuse from my father and my mother putting her head in the sand saying "didn't happen, didn't happen."
Should I just roll over and accept them back into my life

When my children were young my fil and mil (in particular)" openly favoured our son , fussed over him, took an interest in everything he did, bought extravagant presents for him ...my daughter, two years younger, was effectively ignored, minimal interest shown, not listening when she wanted to tell them her news, presents costing pence instead of pounds and pounds for my son! Plus ignoring certain expectations that we had for our children, and encouraging our son to ignore us or answer back when we addressed certain behaviours! It took two visits like that ( they stayed with us) for me to say that we needed to talk ...it was really hard but we pointed out what was happening, why we were concerned, what our expectations were and what we would have to say to our children about their grandparents if it didn't stop. As ever there was a fairly "passive aggressive" response from my mil but we stuck to our guns and things improved. Over the years, a gentle reminder kept things generally on track! I do wonder if some would have gone for CO in these circumstances rather than addressing the issues openly and assertively (it was hard, as I said). If nothing else it made me very aware of what not to do as a grandparent ...not that that has necessarily stopped my fears of CO ...different issues!!

Luckylegs, so sorry about the loss of your friend. And, of course, about her estrangement from her ds and gc. I know you must have felt for her the way I do for my friends who are estranged. How kind of her to still send lovely gifts!

I think you're right - her ds should have set boundaries with her. Maybe she would have taken it from him where she wouldn't from dil. And yes, if she still didn't listen, they could have simply changed the locks. No need for a total co.

But the woman paddyann knows isn't fully co - just on lc (lowered contact), ok maybe very lc. I'm sure she's not happy about that either, of course. I agree that nc or lc are easy options if there was nothing said about the problem. But maybe there was and this woman just didn't listen. She doesn't exactly sound like a reasonable person. Of course, we don't know if they tried to talk to her about this. Paddyann, do you?

Oh lucklegs that's so sad?

We off today to airport was ?Leaving Rosie but here's hoping we can relax for week or so,

Best wishes to everyone,

Celebregran, my friend died 2 1/2 years ago, I still miss her sense of fun and dropping in on me, she was over the top in everything, but so kind and loving, she expected everyone to be like her. She never reached 70, missed the gc she could never see, but she sent them lovely things.