Which country should my son and his children ex wife live?

Thank you granny Mosh, I missed the second post

Anniebach, Speldnan said her daughter-in-law cheated.

Seems this has been discussed before, there is no mention of the dsughter in law having an affair and breaking up the marriage

If it was my daughter so unhappy I would want her to come home though just as speldnan wants them to stay there it is makes her son happy

Why do people think they will resolve all their problems at once?

She created the mess and when her choice didn't work out she isn't happy with that either. She is just going to wait now and see what else life has to offer her and make better choices next time round.

The children have already suffered an upheaval at home and now she thinks bringing them to a different place entirely will be a good move....for her presumably, what about them?

Realistically it is better if you try and keep a distance because sometimes people end up back together again anyway but she does sound pretty self centred. I know there are things called prohibited steps orders in the UK to stop people making drastic changes in the children's lives when parents part, so presumably there is something the same for them?

You're welcome, Speldman.

I feel for dil, but I also think she is being selfish, like the people you mentioned, just thinking of herself and not of the kids. Taking them so far from their dad can't be good. How can she even entertain the idea?

Besides, if she doesn't get on with her mum, how would it help? Imo, that's just a fantasy - go home to the uk and everything will be all right. No - she'll still have to live with what she did and what the result was. She'll still need to find a new man if that's what she wants. She may need support, but a mum that she doesn't get on with isn't likely to be much help.

It sounds to me as if her parents are selfish, too, trying to use this to promote their own agenda and trying to guilt ds - or you - into going along with it. I'm sorry they "turned nasty" when you refused to interfere. But that shows their true colors, imo.

I hope they don't bother you again and that ds and dil sort this out soon.

Thanks starlady, you've hit the nail on the head with all your observations. My DIL's parents have been trying to get her back here ever since they went to NZ 7 years ago. I told my DS that it was a ruse to get her back. She doesn't even get on that well with her mother so I'm not sure it will help her. I totally understand how worried her parents are as their DD is on anti depressants and not coping very well. Thanks for saying the other parents had a nerve to ask me to intervene, that is so right! When I said I didn't want to interfere they turned quite nasty and said my son was deciding their DD's fate! It's frustrating not being able to help but I agree that ultimately they have to decide for themselves. I do think that young couples/ people are rather selfish these days though, always thinking of their own personal happiness rather than what is best for their children.

speldman is right, I couldn't move my kids from England to Scotland!

It sounds as if you care about your dil, Speldman, even though she cheated on ds. That's very caring of you, but if you were to lean on ds to move back home, he might see it as you "siding with her" and take it as a "betrayal" of sorts. Or he might just think you concerns are a cover for wanting him to move back, anyway. What if he did listen to you and then regretted it? No matter what you would say to him, the chances of this having negative consequences for your relationship with ds are just too great, imo.

Besides, I agree that neither you nor the other parents should be involved. In fact, I think the other parents had a nerve to ask you to intervene. But I guess they are desperate for their dd's sake. Either way, I hope you stick to your decision to "leave it to" ds and dil.

I wonder how much she really wants to return home and how much this idea has been promoted by her parents. It sounds to me as if they are very eager to get some control over this situation, but they really can't.

Dil will adjust in time. If not, she can seek counseling surely or reach out to friends. She brought this on by cheating, and I'm not saying she should be "punished," but it's not your job to "fix" the problems either. Very wise of you to stay out of it.

No she can't take the children to another country without consent. Her parents say my DS is deciding their daughter's fate. I agree parents shouldn't interfere but DIL's parents emailed me asking me to persude my DS to come back to the UK. I said we should leave it to them but it's true it's making my DIL ill being there after what's happened. I think she hoped the marriage could be saved but unfortunately she was the one who cheated so my DS felt he had to leave after trying to get over it for 6 months. He found someone else but she didn't so there is a lot of bitterness there.

Theirs to sort, they will sort it quicker without their parents meddling.

I should think that there might be legal implications here. Would she be allowed to take them to a different country without their father's consent?

This must be difficult for you being so far away.

This is difficult, if your daughter in law cannot move on from the breakup is this because she didn't want the marriage to end?