Daughter in law and husbands mother in law relationships

To my computer, all post are white ground. The OP too.

My replies are always over white ground.

I just hope this isn't a windup or a spoof on some mil's complaints. You know - "I don't like dil and now she won't include me in family events. She and ds do things and go places without inviting me. They even get together with my other ac, separately, with no thought of me. Dil is very controlling and ds goes along to get along."

And when told that their ac and cil have a right to do things on their own, etc: "But Iv been through so much in my life - and now this!"

I just hope it's not that. OTOH, if your story is real, Op, I hate it for your sake. Have you sought counseling?

It might, BlueBelle.

Sorry I misspelled your name earlier, granmanat.

Op, could you bring yourself to leave your h (Im having trouble calling him "dh" since he has been abusive)? Have you even thought of it?

Mine have always been in white including the original post There still are The original post on subsequent pages is in green and any admin replies are in green

Doesn't it depend the device you are on

I usually see both the op's and mine in green, but all others in blue. Grananat, when you post in someone else' thread, I'm quite sure ONLY you see your own post in green, the rest of it see it with a white background. If you open up your own discussion, then we will all see your posts in green, but that is how it's supposed to be, I think. So don't worry

Granmanat. I always see the OP posts in green , and my own in blue but all the rest are on white background

ARGGGH!

Can someone please send me a private message about how to prevent responses going on a GREEN background...embarrassing.

Thank you!

Dear sparkle199, I read she; the MIL sends you a birthday card...do you respond and say thank you..
That gesture to me means that she's making an effort and is thinking about you...
Why not try being the bigger person as damewithaname suggests. and send her a big bunch of flowers on her birthday or just send them anyway.

If you truly want to be reconciled...
Good luck with your relationship.

Ok, so this is really about emotional abuse by dh. My heart goes out to you!

I wish I could tell you how to change his behavior, but I can't. As they say, we can't change anyone's behavior but our own.

But how to change yours? I have an idea, but read it only if you're interested... Have you thought about leaving him? Scratch my earlier idea of objecting to his trips with mil. Let him go. And next time he's gone, pack up and leave. That's my new thought. Would you do it?

Sparkle, Just ask yourself: Is this person important in my life, if No, forget her, get on with your life. life is to short to worry about people of no importance to you.
The damage is done and will always lie there in the background. My opinion, Move On.
As for your husband, if he chooses to see his mother, then so be it. At least your are free from that choice. Take care.

Life's too short get a grip

I think there are things you have not elaborated on regarding your husband and you might receive more positive suggestions if you say a little about what has been happening in your marriage as well because it all seems intermingled.

This was not your original post Sparkly, which completely alters things.. Everyone seems to get on with MIL, even her grown up grandchildren and partners. I am sorry to say this, but have you over reacted and had unrealistic expectations. You seem to want an apology which won't happen, seems she has everything she wants. I wonder why would your would go if she us such a harridan. Why would the extended family go? You say you are in an abusive relationship,of why are you still there? Your family has grown.

You can't stop your husband loving his mother, however, he should never go on holiday with them without you.He needs to man up and help get this mess sorted out

emotional abuse can leave one feeling isolated and confused...Sparkle....get some help..go and see someone now, so that you can heal yourself and build up your self esteem..& life..so that its worth living again.good luck

Why is your husband not supporting you?

Was hoping to get some support, but seems I'm in the wrong place.

No, you're not in the wrong place but probably did not make clear exactly what the problem is apart from one incident five years ago when your MIL was rude and you flounced out, vowing never to go to her house again which sounds quite dramatic. There are always two sides to any story too and you can't expect posters to make sympathetic noises or even offer constructive adviced without knowing the full story.
You mention 'emotional domestic abuse' too but that is very vague and I for one do not know what you mean.

I think your big problem is DH. If abuse could end - it would not matter that you are chalk and cheese with mil. DH should be standing by your side, according to my Bible.

You did say you were never to step in their house again, what did you expect from mil?

Your MIL surely can`t be that bad if her son goes on holiday twice a year with his parents AND the grandchildren enjoy their company or they would not continue to visit. I appreciate there is always two sides to any story, but take into account your Inlaws are in the `Winter` of their lives and you will be around a lot longer than your MIL over the coming decades, so perhaps softening your attitude and inviting them around for some family celebration; birthday tea etc might be the olive branch that heals the breach and makes life more pleasant for all concerned.

Sparkle 199 why do you think she sends you a Birthday card? I think it is to keep the door open between you, ( or to put you in the wrong )

How about sending her a birthday card next time as a small step and make yourself look good. Maybe then your husband might help you both build bridges. What happens at weddings, funerals, Christmas and other family get togethes. Do you not go because she will be there? Is there any way you can meet on neutral ground

Everyone else seems to want to see her. You seem to feel that her paying for holidays and meals is her way of controlling them but maybe she can afford it and enjoys treating them all and enjoying their company. Spending her money while she can.

As for her husband jumping to attention, well that is how their relationship works.

I am not saying you are wrong about her controlling but at the moment she is winning this long round (5+year ) and the only way you can even the situation is to offer an olive branch and let everyone know you have done it as you hate this rift in the family. Then the ball is in her court,

What is your husband's opinion on all this? You don't mention him? Is his mother aware that you vowed never to visit them again?

Sparkle you said nothing about abuse and control from your husband so how can anyone have missed a point you didn't make? I feel great sympathy for you re your husbands behaviour and your MIL. However, it seems to me this is a much deeper problem than your MILs behaviour really. I'm not sure what else to say as I'm not really sure what advice, suggestions etc, if any, that you want

Ok Sparkle, I hear you. I'm by no means an expert on marital issues, but have you told your DH how you feel? Does he even realise you see his behaviour as domestic/emotional abuse?

Now is the time to find professional advice, be it through RELATE or another organisation.

I'm so sorry to read that you are suffering and wish I could give better practical advice. You and your husband's relationship simply MUST be the priority here if you want to continue living together. I sincerely hope you will find your way through.

We can ony give an opinion here on the forum based on what information is given, so please bear withus all if we miss the point.

I wish you well dear lady. Take care. xx

Sparkle199 - I agree with Penygirl's post. So, I'll pose again the question she put to you i.e. what is the point we've all missed?
There's a possibility your emotions are clouding what's really going on and that some outside help may assist you to clarify things.
From your 2nd post, I got the sense it may be that you see your DH's behaviour in your MIL and this could be the real issue.