Gransnet forums

Relationships

Worried about son

(18 Posts)
Annie20 Sun 11-Jun-17 13:08:33

I am very worried about my son. He is in his mid thirties . until 6 months ago he was a conscientious worker and family man. He was married with a 3 year daughter. Then suddenly he started to claim he did not love his wife. He began to behave strangely going out late at night and staying out late after work. When we tried to talk to him he cut off all contact with us for 2 months. It turned out he was having an affair with a girl 15 years younger who had recently joined the company. He then left his wife to move in with this girl about 3 months ago. He came to see me a few weeks ago it was a nice day so we just relaxed in the garden. Then he started to get texts and calls from the girl. I was shocked when he took a panic attack. When all settled down he told me that he has been diagnosed with anxiety and is on medication. He came round another day and after having a nice lunch the texts and calls started and again he became very anxious , sweating and rubbing his chest saying he had chest pains. I have spoken to his wife who is a lovely girl she told me that he left her with all the bills to pay and he does not make any contribution towards their daughter. He has unlimited access to the child but only sees her when girlfriend is working. A similar incident happened when he was visiting the child and this girl started to text and call because he had stayed longer than the time he had said. I have made a few enquiries from his friends who all tell he that he has cut off all contact with them, even his workmates. He does not talk to anyone in the workplace only his girlfriend. He was in line for a promotion to middle management however due to his recent behaviour and poor performance he is in danger of losing his job. Sorry for such a long post but I really don’t know how to help him. If I try to talk to him he will cut contact with me.

mumofmadboys Sun 11-Jun-17 13:37:16

I'm sorry you are having such an awful time
I would just try to maintain friendly contact with your son. Keep it light and don't question what he is doing.He may come round and realise how stupid he is being. Do you see your DIL and Gc? Hopefully in time your son may talk to you
Take care x

Luckygirl Sun 11-Jun-17 13:39:32

I can understand why you are so worried. This lass seems to have turned his head.

It is good that you are still in contact with both "sides" and I hope you are seeing your GC.

I understand your reluctance to take issue with your son over all of this as he might cut off contact, and that would leave you unable to help him - and it does sound as if he is in need of help. All you can do is to be there for him - although the one active thing that might be worthwhile is for you to take any opportunity that presents itself to suggest that his anxiety needs addressing and he should see his GP.

What a sorry mess for you to have to get to grips with. flowers

Luckylegs9 Sun 11-Jun-17 13:58:30

So sorry for your predicament. I wonder what made him change! I really think you have to just remain in contact and be supportive and hope in time he will get his head sorted and things in more perspective.

Annie20 Sun 11-Jun-17 16:39:04

Thanks for support. DIL has handled this in a very dignified manner. . My DIL works for same company as my son and OW, she has put up with a lot of workplace gossip but kept her cool and held her head up. I am proud of her as I know she is doing all this in difficult circumstances so that there is no comeback for her child. She has put no restrictions on access to GC. She just feels uncomfortable coming to my house in case he turns up with girlfriend. However, this OW would not be welcome here. I know she is struggling financially but has told me that she is not prepared to go down legal route at present because she does not want to put pressure on his health. It makes me mad to think that my son is spending most his salary on this girl before providing for his daughter. The only reason we can see for change in behaviour is that company re located from a big city to a smaller to a smaller town about 15 months ago. They had to move house also because of this. He was not happy about move at the time. Maybe he has a midlife crisis but he has hurt a lot of people

MawBroon Sun 11-Jun-17 16:47:19

30's is hardly "mid-life-"!!
Perhaps he was having a fit of conscience hmm or a panic attack at how deep he had got himself in the sh1t. The threat of life does GN his job won't be helping. #needsasmack

Anniebach Sun 11-Jun-17 17:48:23

Possibly a man in his thirties having an affair with a teenager gets rather over excited

Christinefrance Sun 11-Jun-17 18:06:55

Seems all you can do is to support everyone in a difficult situation. Your daughter in law is being very good about things but maybe she should start pressing a little for child support at least. Your son is an adult and has responsibilities he needs to face up to that. You can only help as much as he will allow but you can show your concern over his health issues.
You have my sympathies it's a difficult time.

Luckygirl Sun 11-Jun-17 18:13:49

It sounds as though you have an admirable DIL - he is throwing away a gem it seems. It must reassure you that your DGD will be in good hands. You must be exasperated with him. I am sorry you are having to deal with all this.

NfkDumpling Sun 11-Jun-17 18:28:31

If he's having panic attacks when this woman rings it sounds like she has him well and truly trapped. At least he is still allowed to see you and his daughter.

Is he really still infatuated with this woman or do you think that maybe he's thinking of looking for a way to end it and go home and doesn't know how?

fiorentina51 Sun 11-Jun-17 19:19:10

She (OW) sounds very controlling. Not a good situation to be in and heartbreaking for you and DIL. 🌹

fiorentina51 Sun 11-Jun-17 19:20:43

shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/

This website might be useful.

Serkeen Sun 11-Jun-17 20:00:26

If your son will not listen to you or refuses to speak to you, then perhaps he may listen or be happy to speak to someone else, is there anyone you feel he would be ok talking to about this.

Sounds like this girl is very controlling and that spells danger, scary but true

Try and find a gentle way to speak to him. sometimes we have to try not to speak to our children like we are their Mothers, sounds crazy I know, but we have to drop the worry tone of voice to give some good advice.

I think you are right to be worried, I think you need to find an angle to get him to speak to someone, anyone, but this needs sorting, the quicker the better.

I know this sounds a bit off but perhaps his wife could even try and talk to him, she obviously loves him and hopefully she would be willing to help him out of this situation.

I think I would try and find out a bit about the girl, find out about her background, get some facts on her, it is so easy now a days if you have someone's name to do a bit of research on them. If you find anything alarming and you have FACTS about the girl, you could then perhaps present them to your son and that might help him to make a decision to get out of this dangerous relationship. I say dangerous because people that are controlling to that extent are dangerous people.

Your son needs help and you need to find a way to help, hope all the suggestions on here will give you food for thought, please keep us posted.

Serkeen Sun 11-Jun-17 20:08:42

PS don't forget to give the FACTS and advice as a 'friend' not a worried Mother and try not to be judgemental towards the OW because that will just make him more determined to be with her, best wishes brew

MawBroon Sun 11-Jun-17 20:09:23

My post made little sense
The second line was meant to be "the threat of losing his job"

jacksmum Sun 11-Jun-17 21:03:58

So pleased to see you are still friendly with your DIL, if this was my son i would tell him straight that if he feels unwell then go see a doc, otherwise grow up and realise what you are doing to your wife and daughter and to your parents is so wrong, if you want to go and have a bit on the side with some teenager then go and dont come back,

M0nica Mon 12-Jun-17 17:05:11

Sounds as if he would like to get away from the new girlfriend, but is afraid to make the break. Does she have something on him that she isusing to emotionally blackmail him with?

If he loses his job, she will not stay around very long.

tinaf1 Mon 12-Jun-17 19:30:26

Sorry to hear of your problems , is he your only child or has he got a sibling he might open up to who would be willing to help