I despair!

There are many types of Dementia so definitely worth trying to get him to see a GP. Men are notoriously bad at going to see the doctors though so you may need to make up an excuse (like a free health check or something) but does sound like there's something going on there - especially if other people are noticing.

When Bluecrest or some other similar health group are running check ups near you. Book and pay for appointments for both of you. On the day say we going for our MOTS and then for lunch or the reverse out for lunch and after lunch say 'today is our MOT day'.

if your husband asks why just say 'so that we know we are fit enough for our next holiday' and let the conversation go to holidays. If he is not going on one then say 'if I leave you at home I need to know you are fit enough to leave without a carer.

I am sure he is not well. Also that life may not any longer hold any purpose for living. The best of luck.

The difficulty is often to get a man to visit the doctors ....as someone else said suggest a health check for both of you. I have worked with older people in sheltered housing before I retired for a lot of years and have seen how some people cope with retirement better than others. Men seem to struggle much more than women do....think as women in general are used to multi - tasking and being pro - active a lot of the time they seem to take retirement more in their stride than men do. Try doing a new hobby together which is,nt too taxing ...maybe gardening, growing things to eat, re- designing an existing garden creating different areas. Your husband sounds depressed, the lack of structure in his life seems to have had an effect on him. Yes there may be another underlying cause but then there might not be. A lot of the expectations we have towards retirement don,t always work out as we would like but have to think of different of ideas and solutions to make our lives as happy as we can.

Bluebelle's comment resonated the most with my own thoughts and my first inclination was not to write at all.

This is a man who has been by your side for 45 years, presumably for better and for worse.

Your disappointment and frustration are completely normal and understandable, but alas such is life! A dear friend of ours had a stroke a short while after he retired. He spent several months in recovery with his wife by his side. He slurred his speech and was partially paralyzed. With therapy he was finally able to get around with the aid of a walker until a second stroke killed him six months after that. Some retirement huh?

My point is that in this life there are no guarantees. I hate to be blunt, but what you really need is to get your priorities sorted out .....If you still love him, be thankful you still have him and please take him to a doctor.

Phoenix and LuckyGirl ...I tried everything to get OH [who had all the symptons of Madmeg's OH] to see his GP, he refused, saying he was perfectly OK despite all indications to the contrary ...in the end I persuaded the GP to contact him offering him a consultation at a [totally fictitious] Well Man Clinic, which much to my amazement he fell for ...result, he was diagnosed with high blood pressure totally off the scale, and severe depressoin.

This sounds so like my life madmeg, except that mine, rather than talking to me
sings and talks to himself much of the time - although hardly ever when there are other people present! Having tried for several years, counselling , trying to make him aware of how this affects me and our relationship etc. (which made hi vey angry) I have now decided to take care of myself before I descend into depression.
I have lovely friends who have kept me sane and great children and grandchildren. My GP has advised me to get out and spend time with positive people, doing things I enjoy. Life is short , and we only get one shot at it.
It is a diffcult situation but for now I have decided to stay, even when we move
house sometime soon. But I have made it clear that I need space.
One small tip - I have put my feelings and decisions in writing, kept a copy,
as DH forgets anything I say very quickly.

Sorry to go on, I wish you all well ??

I see madmeg has not returned to the thread. This always annoys me especially when so many people send long messages. HOW you could not realise this as a healthy problem I don't know - you must be very insensitive. Maybe she is embarrassed but at least you could come and say thank you to so many posters.

Firstly I think you need to consider a health check this could be depression or dementia.
If all is well then it just might be a case of him settling into a rut and living life at his own pace.
My husband was only 50 but as he got older he liked to take life slowly and what I saw as boring and dull when he was not in work. ( He worked for the fire service and had speed all week) He passed away two years ago, and there is not a moment in the day that I don't miss him. I would give anything to have him plodding slowly and being dull back in my life. Life is short find a way to enjoy life for what it is if you can. I hope you find happiness somehow . Take care

I know a couple of you have already mentioned dementia- what you have said about your Hubbie, is exactly what happened with my step-father, unfortunately it took several years to get the correct diagnosis which in the end was vascular dementia. Hang on in there and maybe go to see your GP on your own first, if you have a good relationship with GP you could explain your worries, so he/she would know what to look out for when your husband when along for an appointment ??

My 72 yr old husband complains of getting tired quickly and can sleep for 10 hrs a night regularly. BUT he still does aikido and medieval martial arts (swords to you and me, gardening and we go ballroom dancing.
It sounds to me as if a health check is definitely needed. There are a number of things that could be wrong and the drastic change compared to when he worked does not sound normal.
Instead of fuming quietly, go out and about yourself, it sounds as if he would be happy if you did and left him to potter... There will be others in your area who would love to have company visiting places - try putting a note on the noticeboard of local sheltered or retired accommodation. Join some local groups to meet like-minded people. You're both too young to give up now.

Definitely try to get him to see a doctor or speak to one yourself about him. His behaviour seems very like that of a friend of ours and he had/has dementia. I'm sorry you're feeling so angry about it, though I honestly do understand why, because it might be clouding your judgment. All the very best as you try to get to the bottom of this.

Oh dear ...yes PLEASE as other have said ...make an appointment NOW for the doctor ....if he is difficult and doesn't want to go, say it is for you and you would like him to accompany you (you could write in confidence to the doctor first to explain the things you have written above so that the doctor knows what he/she is looking for) ...in my case I am lucky, as I always accompany my husband to the doctor and explain his problems

My husband is now 84 and had always been active (I mean as in climbing on the roof, diy, etc etc all the time until around a year ago when he got progressivly more difficult, angry all the time, criticising everything,disagreeing with everything, told me to go and jump in the river (I was tempted ! it became incresingly difficult not to) but I took him to the doc//he had already had two TIA,s vasculaire disease, replacement arteries in his legs, and a carotedectomy ,,,,,all of which eventually as caused vasculaire dementia followed by a diagnosis of Parkinsons disease. As we live in rural France we have no family or friends, and he has said he will refuse to go to any respite care, as the doc suggested, for a week now and then because he 'can't speak French'. Every day becomes a battle ,,,,he wants to climb ladders to cut trees (he has no balance anymore and has difficlty walking ...doc gave him a rollator ..refuses to use it !) wants to use electrical woodworking machinery ,,,,,when I say NO he says he will do what he wants and I can shut up or go away......

I WISH he would sit in a chair ....this morning he wanted to go for a walk to stretch his muscles ...so I dropped what I was doingm got in the car and took him to a local country park ,,,get out of the car ,,,opened his door got his stick ...held it out and went to help him out ,,,DONT WANT TO GO he said ......reminded him he had asked me to take him ...WANT TO GET A DRINK AND GO HOME he said .......I bang my head on the wall ....then he wanted to go to the DIY shop and spend more money on screwsm sandpaper, etc etc ...he is planning to climb onto the shed roof which he says needs a repair ! I have already arranged for someone to come and re paint the shed, repair the door which sticks, et et cbut he says it cannot wait ! I totally despair !

He has one daughter aged 56 who lives in the UK and never telephones or visits..she says she is glad I am here to look after him !

Sorry about the long tale ....but just to reiterate, you MUST get him to the doc ...it may be nothing serious, but you will not know unless you go and see.

As for some one who said you shouldn't crticise him, he may be ill ...this is all very well ...if you have someone who is ill and needs care, but is pleasant and good to get on with, it must be a whole lot easier I would love to leave when I am on the receiving end of the abuse and throwing things and swearing at me, as I have no life whatever now (I shall be 70 later this year)...I would love him to come on holiday somewhere, but he refuses ...or go to the beach for a walk and a drink ...he refuses all he wants to do is to put his life in constant danger ...what can I do > I am afraid one day when I come home (I only go as far as the village shop) he will have fallen off a ladder and broken his neck ....I threatened to give all the ladders away ....

PLEASE go and at least find out....living in the UK you could probably access some support if he has any progressive illness ...but hopefully it may be depression or a treatable problem and he will feel better after getting some help and or medication or therapy !

Such good luck

Annsixty if a surgery won't help although my experience is the opposite there are ways and means
My friend's husband was showing memory problems but she didn't think he would agree to a doctors visit so she told him as they were getting older they were both going for check ups Not only did they discover he had the start of dementia but that she had emphasema which she knew nothing about and that at some point previously she'd had a mild heart attactv again with no knowledge She has since remembered fainting and feeling unwell for a few hours a few years before and think that must have accounted for the mild heart attack

It could be clinical depression or the early stages of dementia. I'm surprised you're so furious with him and not worried. He needs a thorough health check in my opinion.

Sounds like depression, maybe brought on by retirement. Get him to see a doctor as if he's forgetting things it could be something else like dementia. Hope things get better.

This sounds so much like my husband and , sadly, he was diagnosed with vascular dementia early this year. Mostly all that you've described could fit with him.
If you have a good, understanding GP, then you could go and speak with them before going with your husband. My daughter came with me as we were both worried about my husband's memory, his struggle to find the correct words and the massive change to his personality. Fortunately we have a very supportive GP who wasted no time in referring him to a Memory clinic , who then referred him for a brain scan from which we got the diagnosis. It is a life changer and I sincerely hope that your husband doesn't have the same.
You have my sympathy. X

Think we are married to the same man ! He has had all the health checks - nothing apparently wrong . Just a Difficult Blo.. man !

A lot of what you say resonates with me. My husband can stay in the house for days in front of tv or playing patience on laptop. We have no conversation so I wouldn't want to go anywhere with him and we have no,interests in common. We went away with our family this year and it was as if he was not really with us .didnr join in conversations and just followed us about.
I cope by having my own friends and going out a lot but it has affected my mental health. But your husband does sound depressed. I think mine may be too but there is no way he'd admit it.

Let me say I have only read page one today, as I have to go out in a mo, and I send sympathies for everyone in this difficult situation.

I agree, DOCTOR's appt a.s.a.p. I am distressed to report that I have a friend who has been in a similar situation for a couple of years.

Last week she phoned me in tears. After 2 days complaining about indegestion at bed time, her husband had a massive coronary attack. He had a stent fitted immediately and is now waiting for surgery due to severe blockages to all 4 major heart blood vessels.

I agree, he needs to see the doctor.

When she became terminally ill, my DM used to say sadly, 'They shoot horses, don't they?' Being human is hard sometimes.

My husband is the same but us I'll with depression. Many men who have worked all their lives and plan great things for retirement actually miss all the structure of a working day and he interaction with colleagues and can go into a depression I saw it with my own father. My friends also went like this and it was found in the end he had an underactive Thyroid gland, thyroxin and he was a new man. I honestly feel a health check needs to be done.

I am in the same boat but also my health precludes me from some activities. Been married 43 years, we met at school and sometimes I despair but feel conflicted as I live him dearly but don't like our life. Good luck with everything.x

hi Madmeg, I agree with all the posts which conclude that there is probably an underlying medical condition - which should be investigated for the wellbeing of you both. I suspect that this has already crossed your mind and this is part of the rage , helplessness and terror about your future. It is a natural human reaction to feel aggrieved when your life has been changed by something outside your control.
However, I absolutely empathise with you about you "boiling with rage inside"; although wilygran (and others) have pointed out that life is not fair, you feel you have been robbed of a companion and soulmate with whom to explore new horizons in retirement. I felt exactly the same when, at 64 my much older husband was diagnosed with COPD and I was tied to the house unable to go out (he was on an oxygen machine) unless I could find a care-sitter.
I know many Grans are in a similar position caring for husbands and I feel for you all , but Madmeg is still railing against the unfairness of her situation and has to come to terms with what the future holds, I hope the wise words from you all will help to calm her anxiety and move forward.

At the start of your post Madmeg my thoughts were 'depression'. As it progressed, I wondered if there were something else going on. Slowness in movement could point to Parkinson's. Memory (secondary moderns?) could point to dementia.

Regardless of what's going on, medical intervention looks like a must. I hope you can persuade him to see a doctor.

I really do have sympathy for BOTH of you. How sad that your expectations for retirement have not materialised, but neither have they realised for your husband either.
I am assuming that your first port of call was your family Doctor? It sounds that either your husband has early stage Dementia possibly the result of TIA`s (does he have Hypertension?) or possibly Lewey Bodies Parkinson`s which can result in both the physical symptons one associates with Parkinson`s but sadly also Dementia in some patients as the disease progresses. It is imperative that he receives a full medical examination at an early date.
If you can still drive why not both of you go out for lunch and whilst he sits dozing in the sun (or in the car if its raining) you could wander around the shops. Arrange to meet up with former colleagues on a regular basis or join a Group that shares your interest. You cannot put your life on hold, but perhaps neither can your husband now mentally or physically cope with the retirement you had both hoped for. You have to have a diagnosis and from that point reach out for the assistance you will both need over the coming years.