Borrowing money and offsprig being treated equally

Zorro - I agree with those who say don't mix in, if it's his own money. You'll only end up getting blamed too.
We've had 2 similar situations with lending money for a new home. One for his daughter, and one for my daughter. We each let the other get on with it, using our own money, though we put a charge on the houses as a cautionary measure.
My 2 boys weren't bothered - and they've both had small loans or gifts since then. One son in particular (the one in India) I still give a small monthly allowance as he has a low paid job and 4 children.

We have a son and a daughter. When our son got married we split the cost of the wedding three ways with them and her parents. Our daughter does not agree with marriage ("its an outdated concept") so we gave her an equivalent sum when she and her partner were looking to buy their first flat in London. She is well aware that this is our "wedding" contribution to her and our son is also aware.

Our wills currently leave everything to them (DS and DD) but we are considering changing them and leaving it all to our four DGC as DS and DD are both well off now in their respective careers.We are still discussing it.

I think it is essential to be fair and to be open about things if you want harmony in the family.

As regards Christmas/birthdays and other gifts I treat all three exactly the same
When it comes to needs the ones struggling get the help
My will is straight down the line three way divide (if anything s left probable not much unfortunately the way things are going)
When my Nan died her will which had been written some years before only mentioned two of her three grandkids, as the third hadn't been born, when she died and we read the will I discussed it with the elder two who totally agreed that it should be divided three ways not two, Nan would have wanted that too , and that's what we did I have left a hand written note with her will so if future generations see it they will know number 3 wasn't purposely left out

I think the main problem here is that it was done underhand If it had been discussed between all the children this problem shouldn't have arisen Sounds like the son is saying he's building it for you as well as him as a total manipulation

If this money is invested in the property being renovated and this is documented legally then this is a loan only, and if interest will be paid then it's an investment.

That is not unfair to the daughter's. Any further loans for similar projects, if granted, should therefore be treated as investments.

It's a difficult situation Zorro and things always gets messy and divisive where money is concerned. I've watched a similar situation in our family where SiL took everything from MiL and left her destitute. Not wanting to get involved I suffered terrible anguish watching my DH trying to be dutiful, then firm, then finally dismissive resulting in total estrangement. I felt just like you and "left home" occasionally for a break to our house abroad to have some space. It wasn't seeing the inheritance disappear that worried me, but the fact that one sibling was being treated unfairly - although this had always been the case since I met my DH.

From my experience:

If the son has gone down this route once he might be quite likely to do it again. Eventually it becomes manipulation.

If he wants you and your DH to move in with him, that would spell disaster. That very thing also happened to MiL (above) and she ended up being evicted when she had outgrown her usefulness. So don't.

The daughters are obviously feeling aggrieved and this could all end up with estrangement within the family. They may even perceive your DH as being weak and under the thumb of his son, and may cut him off for good.

It's really down to your DH to set the records straight and come up with a solution where every child is treated fairly NOW. Provision in a will is all very good, but what happens if DS has drained every penny before that point? That will add even more pain to the daughters.

I hope this doesn't sound like a lecture, but your situation is so familiar to the one we experienced.

We have always treated our three the same when it involves gifts of money despite one being far better off than the other two, but we lend as and when necessary.

DS is at present in a bit of a predicament and we have offered to lend money to get him straight. This will be repaid on a monthly basis - but interest free. We have and will do the same for any of them, but it's between that offspring and us alone as it's being repaid and won't affect any inheritance should we snuff it.

In the OPs case, the money is a loan and will be repaid like any business arrangement. If the DDs wish to do the same I expect they would receive the same. Wouldn't they? As to moving in with his son, this would really complicate things! I'd avoid it!

I think he knows what he is doing. The thought of being confronted by three needy daughters would be upsetting. Zorro21 know you have his best interests at heart, it is awful having the one you love apparently being taken advantage of, but there is nothing you can do. He only lent the money, so presumably your husband expects to be paid back. I never lend, but have given money to help out. If you still want to leave home then have a weekend away bring pampered if you can afford it, cone home refreshed. He sounds a very kind man.

Tricky one loaning money to family members on the quiet. A friend of ours loaned money to both of his son in laws without his daughters knowledge. He then died suddenly and it all came to light. The Will got changed according to the loans which had not been repaid but the sisters still fell out with each other and refuse to make up.

Ilovecheese - that is a such a good idea. I have done what you suggest re. my own money.

You could try saying "You'll have to ask your dad about that,shall I make some coffee?" every time the subject comes up.

I have asked my husband today what he thinks when one of his daughters comes round giving us all the gossip (eg one of the daughters getting divorced) every week - he said he doesn't listen to her really - which is comforting because he does look as if he is listening.

I am asking the Forum because I am so fed up with all the trouble I feel like leaving home !!!!

One of the other daughters is now saying there was possible confusion, but to be honest I believe the daughter who first found this out.

What happened was that one of his daughters, who gets on particularly well with the son, was upset because she was party to a conversation in which the son (who is a bit of an entrepreneur) told her he intended to ask for further money to do up somewhere else where my husband and I could live with him too. This sounded scary to her, and indeed it is for me too. She therefore decided to let this "cat out of the bag". My husband knew about the idea but not what the son proposed in its detail - we do not want to move from where we are. I see this as very very mercenary on the part of the son.

I try very hard to keep thing equal with my 3 adult offspring.
2 weddings done and one to go, this 3rd wedding
will have a smaller contribution partly because of a large gift made some years ago for a business.
One needs ongoing low-level help with DGC's - school shoes etc.
One is now quite secure financially - but I'll want to help with future DGC's too.
One married but she and spouse in quite low-paid jobs - very independent but knows I'm there as a safety net.
All will have equal shares in my estate.
They know I try very hard to keep things fair and respect that.

The loan is being repaid on time? I don't think you or his DDs have a say in his business money.

I also wonder if the girls have always seen the son as the favourite.
I'd keep out of it if I were you, but keep your own money safe.

Agree, my mother lent money to each of us on different occasions and altered will to reduce that person's inheritance by the amount loaned, we always thought that was perfectly fair.

A friend gave a large sum of money to one child to help get them a home and in discussion with the other child, adjusted his will so that the large sum was notionally repaid on death, the higher estate value divided between the 2 children and the loan taken from the borrowers share.

Everyone is happy with the arrangement.

OP has also said she believes the loan involved a charge on the property, so presumably it is legal and above board. He just didn't tell his daughters about it.

I think they have a valid point if their backgrounds and life styles are all of a similar level, life can't always be equal but have I guess it depends if the girls have ever had loans of their dad ? I m wondering if they are thinking he won't pay back and it will end up a present rather than a loan I suppose in the long run if it had been done above board as a formal drawn up loan and the girls knew about it up front not much they could say but I m guessing they 'found out' and feel resentful

Poster has already said it's husbands own money Frodo

I would advise keeping out of it. Whatever you say will be resented by one or more of them.

Is this your marital money he is spending? If so, they you certainly have a say in how it is spent. I'm sure you wouldn't make a purchase for thousands of pounds without consulting your husband, and he should do the same with you.

Does your husband have a history of favoring his son over his daughters in things other than monetary gifts?

tell them if they want to put a lot of effort into a refurb then they can ask for help too,BUT the terms will be the same They pay it ALL back when the work is done .I've always lent money to my children ,and always expect it to be paid back...when they can afford it.Both are treated the same ,I think thats where your girls are coming from they dont think they get the same opportunities their brother does .Easily solved IF they are up to some hard work

Can his son not repay the loan when the property is sold or pay him a share of the rent so that he's being treated like the others?