Borrowing money and offsprig being treated equally

Just because dh's (dear husband's) ds (dear son)may ask for more money doesn't mean dh will loan it to him. And a loan means it's going to be paid back, I presume, so I don't see what his dds have to be upset about. But I know family relations can be complicated especially when one adds money into the mix.

Dh is right about one thing, imo - his ds shouldn't talk about this with his sisters. Ds is just stirring the rivalry pot.

As for you, I agree with those who say to keep out of it in general. But where it affects you, of course, you have a right to speak up. For example, you obviously have a say in where you and dh live, no matter whose money is involved. And I wouldn't put up with my dh reprimanding me for calling an ill cousin when he's loaning out so much money to someone else (his ds). Yes, it's his money, but if he's worried about expenses, maybe he should think twice about how much he lets go of, even temporarily (assuming ds really will pay it back). But then again, I wouldn't stand for his complaining about my calling an ill cousin, anyhow. I would point out this call was important TO ME, and that I expect him to RESPECT that.

Thank you so much to all those who responded on what to me was a very tricky subject.

It is painful to watch favouritism. More so when when you can't help wondering what the favoured one has over the indulging parent.

None of your money or any joint money went to the loan for his son? I also would tell his DDs to talk at him.

sarahhellenwhitney - a good question, to which the answer is No. However our life is very Spartan, I was reprimanded by my husband for spending £8 on a telephone call to my cousin in a care home (she has cancer and the conversation was probably the last proper one I shall have with her.)on the morning of the day when all his girls got annoyed about the money lent to their brother which they had not known about.

In my opinion there should be no entitlement. Why do children assume that the parents money is theirs eventually.

When my parents downsized some years ago and released some equity one of my brothers,urged on by SIL, we are pretty sure, asked pretty quickly for a sizeable lump of it to use to complete a renovation of a property he'd bought to let out.My other brother and I knew nothing about this until my mum got quite upset and mentioned it.Originally my very elderly dad had said gladly he would lend it to older brother with interest.Then told them there was no need to repay,and it was their inheritance in advance.Other brother and I took the attitude it was our parents money to give away as they wanted,and it wasn't worth falling out over it.However it did rankle somewhat as we had both also needed money to also do up a property, and invest in a business but we went off to our respective banks for loans.Older brother was in a position to do this.We felt he shouldn't have put our parents in that position.
Mum was so annoyed with dad he didn't discuss things with her re not paying it back,and insisted they then gave other brother and I the same amount.We said no.But mum wouldn't rest until we had all been given the same amount.Reluctantly,but gratefully we accepted the money.Dad died.Mum has lived to a tremendous age and now has very little in savings.DH and I have tried to offer money back so she doesn't have to worry about money.She refuses to take it.So we try to treat her as often as possible with meals out and practical presents.
If I'm honest although I have never voiced it to older brother and SIL I still feel they shouldn't have approached mum and dad for such a chunk of their savings.They weren't in dire straits.It was purely to speculate on property. Ironically SIL is very politically vociferous and rails against capitalism at any opportunity!

If it's his money and his children then it's his decision. But it will become partly your decision where you choose to live. In the meantime "you'll have to ask your Dad about that" is a very good response!

Maybe what is deepening the problem for Zorro is that his children (son and daughters) are doing well enough to have nice hols, etc with dad's help thrown in, but as a couple Zorro and husband are not taking nice holidays, etc. Or am I mis-reading that?

Does he see a son more deserving of career-business helping than daughters? Old fashioned, but would not be surprised.

It's hard being the step mum. All of the help we have given DH's boys has involved promissory notes or a lien on the properties, unless specifically made a gift.

My parents gave my brother money for a deposit on his first flat. Nothing ever offered to my sister and me. Father old fashioned enough to think that the husband will provide, this was in the 70s. I'm afraid It always rankled with the pair of us. I insist our 2 sons get the same but DH says it should be according to need......jury still out!

OP said it was a loan (a business deal), from DH to his DS. I think he would equally consider loans to his DDs, if they were working a property development. The DDs are just jealous over nothing unless they wish to get out to work and DH won't lend business funds to them.

Radicalnan wrote
"It is up to your husband what business arranegments he enters into, children are too quick to tell their parents what to do,"
I quite agree - the phrase Bank of Mum and Dad irritates me - it's about time they lent/gave us money
Actually our eldest has lent us money to pay off an expensive bank loan.

When my father died my youngst brother's wife who is a solicitor went back over the last 10 or more years looking at any gifts over £200 my parents had given to their family including grand sons and grand daughters. As I am the eldest and my my 2 sons the oldest grand children, they had had £10,000 each to help towards their deposits on houses. As a result I inherited £20,000 less. I had not expected this but it seemed fair, as she said her sons and daughters were still at school so were too young for help.

So maybe this is what the 3 daughters need to do. I was a bit surprised by the whole thing. Even more so when my mother died and I had to pay equal death duties with the rest of my siblings.

Great advice from ilovecheese.
Keep out of it with DH's offspring. Only discuss the money with him if you feel you are being unfairly treated in some way. Keep your own money safe.

surely if you're only married to someone for 4 years everything he had isn't legally HALF yours ,when he made that before the marriage.That doesn't seem right to me .

Zorro, if this is worrying you too much for you to keep out of all money discussions between you husband and his children, then as I see it, you will need to try and talk to your husband about the whole thing. Don't be lead into discussions with any of your step-children.

As you describe the situation, I cannot help feeling and I apologise if this offends you, that your husband is not being fair to his daughters. Whether or not the money his son has received is a gift, an investment or a legally drawn up loan, I can quite see why his girls are hurt, and perhaps worried that their brother is not going to pay the money back. Unless the loan or whatever it is has been taken into account in your husband's will, it strikes me his son is getting money at the expense of his sisters.

My aunt made to me the mistake of lending my sister's three children money as legal loans when each of them wanted to buy a flat. My eldest niece meticulously paid back her loan at the stated times and in the stated amounts. Her sister paid as and when it suited her with neither shame nor apology whenever she was late paying an instalment, and never repaid the entire sum she had borrowed. My nephew the youngest of the three never paid back a penny. Both my younger niece and my nephew were in a position to have repaid their loans, I may add.

When my aunt died it transpired that she had left legacies to my sister and myself and the bulk of her estate to my sister's children jointly with the proviso that they were to sell her flat and divide the price of it equally between the three of them. No mention was made at all of the money she had lent them, nor of the fact that only the eldest had repaid her loan.

Not unnaturally my eldest niece felt unfairly treated, as in fact her brother and sister shared their great-aunt's estate on equal terms with her, even although they had "been given" serious money while the good lady was alive because they had not kept to the terms of their loan from her, which their sister had done.

My aunt's money was hers to do as she pleased with, just as your husband's money is his, but unless he intends to favour his son above his daughters he is creating a potentially explosive situation on the day his will comes into force. In the nature of things, he won't be here to be worried by that, but you may well be, so I feel you are justified in trying to discuss this matter with your husband. If you decide to do so, I am sure you know how best to approach your husband about it.

Like you, I met my husband after he was divorced and we have been together 25 years. My husband's son who doesn't contact him often, asked to borrow quite a substantial amount of money, (we knew he was "claiming his inheritance early" as he has never liked me) so my husband said he would draw up a contract for the repayments...his son no longer wanted to borrow the money!

My parents gave my youngest sister T a house saying she could not afford one They said my other sister and myself were ok as we both had husbands and houses but not long after my husband became terminally ill and I could no longer work through my own ill health. Meanwhile T married a man with a house. I bitterly resented this but my parents twere unrepentant saying it was their own money to do what they liked with. My parents are now dead and made no allowance in their will but I no longer feel resentment as although still ill I am comfortably off and my other sister too. The point I'm making is circumstances change and another family member may become more desperate for help but there may not be enough money in the pot to help them and then there will be a real resentment. I never lend to my son but give.

I am sure your husband enjoys being involved with his sons business. I think it is better if he doesn't involve you in this and it was a shame his daughters mentioned their concerns when they had invited you both to tea. This is something they should have discussed with him in private. But really how your husband uses his money is not their concern. Maybe better to invest in his son's business where he can see what is happening than some big company that he reads one day in the paper has gone into liquidation.

From your post I think you are a worrier and these things upset you. For this reason my husband never discussed his business with me.

As for his son having ideas of borrowing money for his next project and then moving you into it, well the easiest answer to that is " No way, think again." That is the polite answer. His son can voice his ideas but you don't have to fit in with them. He could have just been "winding up" his sisters.

Zorro21, I can see why you think the son is being mercenary. As most other people I would say do not get caught in discussing any of this with his children, but do discuss it with your husband. Even if it's his money, you can discuss your concerns. Ask for reassurance that you will be included in any decisions that affect both your lives. Then perhaps you can get him to reason around what he is doing. How did the son's first investment go? A charge on the property is all good and nice but will that be included in his will? What kind of rift would that create between the three children? If you think any of the daughters might have a point, you can be their advocate in discussion with your husband, especially since he has stated he doesn't always really listen to them. Do you think the son is manipulating his father? That would be more difficult to approach. If you do, have some facts on your side, not just impressions and feelings. And if it is indeed your husband's money, make sure you remind him of that. you don't have a say in what he does with them anyway, you might as well reinforce the idea that neither do his children.

It is up to your husband what business arranegments he enters into, children are too quick to tell their parents what to do, however safer for you if it is done on a formal basis, if your husband were to die how would you prove the loan existed?

Try not to get involved with the issue except as it affects you and your OH directly let him sort his own family out.

As it's your husband's own personal money then I would just say to his daughters that they should only discuss the matter with him. I suppose they see the son is making money from his borrowing whereas they may just like some to improve their own homes but that would be their choice.

As long as the arrangement between the son and your husband is acceptable to you as it should have been discussed to ensure it doesn't affect your household finances then I would keep out of it. If the son needs a loan to make money from property improvement then your husband should be a shareholder in that enterprise, in my opinion.

Personally, I never do for one of my daughters what I cannot do for the other, so both are treated the same as far as childcare, pet care or loans are concerned.

I'm interested in the way you call the son "mercenary". Do you have reason to think that or are you just suspicious of his motives? Maybe he's thinking ahead with the idea of you living with him.
I don't think it has anything to do with DH's daughters if he wishes to lend money on a business basis. He can do what he likes with his own money, as can his daughters. I don't know why children think they can tell their parents what to do with money they have worked hard to get. However, I'd like to think that in similar circumstances he would be prepared to lend his daughters too.

Zorro21.Does any money your husband has given to his son include that which you have contributed since you first entered into a relationship with your present husband.
If the answer is no, none of this money is mine, and you are not suffering hardship due to your husband helping his son then I cannot see you objecting. I personally would not take sides and you should make this clear to your stepchildren.

I lent 1 son deposit money 10 years ago. It was all tied up with a loan agreement and interest on that loan. My son had come to me and discussed it as a business proposition. I was open and told my other son at the time the exact detail. I said to him that if at a later stage and I could afford it he could do the same! 10 years on and he did, a written loan agreement ( I didn't suggest interest this time as I was financially more secure . Its then my choice isn't it about what and when I expect payment back, either in their lifetime depending on marital status.( another good reason for an agreement! ) ...or adjustments to wills! The only time I came unstuck was when I lent £3000 to my sisters long time boyfriend for his funeral expense, I didn't ask for it in writing, it then took over a year and many letters to finally get it back. Family or not written and witnessed agreements ( £20 on the internet! ) are well worth it , everyone knows where they stand. Zorro 21 although this is your husbands money, you are now his wife and legitimately are entitled to half of it , so although its not necessarily wise to block any loans you should be having sensible and adult discussions. Yes I agree with others don't get into conversations with any of his children, you will lose out!! Good luck