Difficut Mother

My daughter's mother-in-law has never been particularly nice but for the past year she has been an absolute nightmare. She is particularly nasty to her lovely husband who is 90 and looks after her. The family got her into a home when he went into hospital with heart trouble but he took her back home once he had recovered. She is usually rude to everyone and my s.i.l says his wife deserves a medal for visitimg her. My grandson took his Japanese girlfriend to see her, much to the family's trepidation, but it seems she found favour, as since then the old biddy keeps on about how the Japanese look after their parents.

Oh, that's so sad Smileless...

Mauriherb I hope your mum's OK, that must have been very uncomfortable for you. I'm glad that some if not all were understanding.

I really would try not to worry about it blue60 and just have a word with your son and his girlfriend before they visit. I wouldn't correct her either; might make her do it all the more.

My mum is 77 and having had bowel cancer 15 years ago has become house bound and almost non communicative. She lives at home with my brother and spends 20 out of ever 24 hours lying in bed sleeping and staring at the ceiling.

I'm not making light of any of the embarrassing situations some of you find yourselves in but I do envy you. My mum could be extremely difficult and hurtful at times and I'd rather have that 'mum' than the sad lady, old before her time whose replaced her.

I spent several hours in A &E last night with my 94 year old who suffers from dementia. She kept shouting at me to "f* off" , I've never heard her swear before. I can't tell you what she called the very nice African nurse ! Then she was shouting that she needed a piss , all at full volume. I was mortified and kept apologising to staff and other patients . I know that she doesn't realise what she is saying but when it goes on for hours it is uncomfortable, not everyone was understanding.

Could she be getting a bit of dementia? People's characters often become exaggerated in this situation. MIL's always been difficult and in her 90's she's become impossible.
Now she's in a home and at least she is in a safe environment but unhappy about losing her independence. I still sort of dread visiting her but she's not as moody as she once was and therefore a bit easier to cope with.
She's always been hopeless with people's name, it's 'him, her, they or it' and it rattles your brain cells trying to keep up with who/what she's talking about.

Funny how old ladies (older than us, I mean ) love messing about with people's names.

My mother would deliberately pronounce names in a different way - even after being corrected. My late MIL was called Irene, with the emphasis on the I but Mum insisted on calling her, Ireeeeeen.

DD had a friend called Nadine, pronounced Naydeen but to Mum she was always, Nah-deeeen.

We have another in-law called Theresa but Mum would put on a fake Italian accent and call her Terrayssaaaa.

Oh the times I wanted to throttle her

Yes, exactly. When meeting her grandson's fiancee, as they walked ahead Mum said " she's a lovely girl,but hasn't she got thick ankles?"

This brings back memories of my late MiL who lived with us for her last 6 months. She'd make comments about passers-by when I was pushing her in her wheelchair, in a very loud carrying voice.

'Look at the backside on that" or "Mutton dressed as lamb" etc. We live in a very ethnically diverse town (she'd live in a very 'white' part of the UK) so racial comments very particularly embarrassing.

I think that she's been thinking all these kind of negative thoughts all her life really, but her brain (she had vascular dementia) had got to the stage where its 'filter' had stopped working and, like a child, she just said what was in there.

My Mum was just the same, all her long life - she had all her marbles right til the end at 91. She would say the first thing that came into her mind regardless.

She lived 200 miles away, we spoke every day. One evening, I said to her I was going out for a meal with my new 'other half' and her response was not 'Have a nice time' or 'Enjoy your meal' it was 'DON'T FORGET TO TAKE SOME RENNIES' and that was the last thing she ever said to me - she died the following morning. Rennies? I have never had indigestion in my life.

Some people are born to cause 'sparks' and enjoy the effect.

I once commented to her that she appeared to love my brother better than my sister and I and her response was ' I know you think I loved D better than you.....well, I did!' talk about not knowing when to keep her mouth shut.

When she died a local charity she volunteered for composed an obituary - none of us recognised the lady they were talking about !! But we all loved her dearly, and this is what it should be. Parental love is unconditional, and maybe it should be the other way as well.

My great nephew had his first birthday a couple of weeks ago. His name is Hugh....aparrantly I sent his birthday card to Huge!

phoenix I don't understand what you mean.

I know the OP is posting about a real problem for her, but I've had a good giggle at some of the replies - especially the Ikea one!

Exactly

My lovely Latvian DIL is called Agija (Pronounced Ageeya) but my DH, bless him, always refers to her as IKEA. One of these days he's going to forget himself and actually call her that!

My mother does thing like this too but she says things in a loud voice which makes me cringe. At 85 theses not a lot I can do about it

Blue60
Seriously, calling someone Sofa is funny, not stressful. Enjoy it!
You must have had a very blessed life if that stresses you out. May true worries and problems never happen to you as I'm not sure you'd cope very well.
I've loved some of the stories on here and had a few laughs. Thank you.

Blue60 Stressful? are you in the menopause? I would find your mum funny when she gets names mixed up and I am sure your sons girlfriend would too. Its armless.Lighten up life is too short enjoy it warts and all.

My 87 year old Mum has also started saying stuff she would never have said before. Most of it politically incorrect and quite a bit of it very loudly! My poor sister who takes care of her most of the time is mortified. Shes forever saying ssh Mum not so loud! To which my mum replies 'I wasnt speaking loudly I was just saying....' and then goes on to repeat the whole thing! God bless her.

So many funny and some sad comments. Not always easy to be tolerant of others but I am reaching the age when I shall wear purple and will be happy to look out for like minded .... Thank you Sandra Martz

WHEN I AM AN OLD WOMAN I SHALL WEAR PURPLE
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

I know just how you feel. I found it difficult to not be worried or hurt by some of the things my mother said in her latter years.
Explain like the others said to Sophie and anyone else in the firing line that your mum has developed this quirk. I myself pointed out to my mother that she had got the wrong end of the stick a few times. It didn't improve her memory, but it did sometimes make med feel better. I'd follow the advice to quietly mention Sophie's real name, especially when Sophie is there.

It's hard seeing a dear parent turning into a different person - my mother from being a lovable, really nice open person became a cantankerous, critical old woman. I don't miss the old woman she became, but I do miss the woman she was most of my life. Happily, it is my "real" lovable mother, I remember most as time goes by.

The problem is as old as time: in the middle ages an anonymous monk wrote: " Dear Lord let me age in a way that will amuse my brethren" He must have been looking after the cantankerous elderly too. I hope and pray that I will be able to amuse whoever is looking after me in my old age!

My mum is 87 and forgets the "proper" name for things. Quite often when supermarket shopping - luckily the staff know what she wants! She asks for "kwitch" when she means quiche, and "Liberace" when she means Liebfraumilch!

Myym- my MiL used to call OH, her son, Kim. That wasn't his name, it was her dog's.

I had a friend in her seventies who always got everybody's name wrong (including mine) or gave them a not always very flattering nickname - the former not deliberately, the latter I'm not so sure! But she was so loveable that nobody minded and we all laughed it off. It's more difficult if there's malice in it. Warn Sophie, and everybody else, they probably won't mind as much as you fear. I wouldn't keep correcting her in front of people, she's not a child and it would be humiliating for her and embarrassing for others. Good luck.

That is old age isn't it, all the inhibitions wane, I ams ure Sophie will laugh it off.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Life is too short and the elders know it.

I can so sympathise, what you have to consider has this person ever truly been any different. The outcome eventually will be that people will stop visiting. Be there under sufference, and not put up with vile spitefulness from the person who is dishing it out.
In my case my Mother, she has mellowed some recently, but I soon nip it in the bud if she gets going.