competition between grandparents

Oh Mamma , pleased don't fall out with your Daughter over this . Have a think then a chat with her and find a compromise . Too much time and emotion is wasters that could be sorted if you restrain your natural desire to see the wee one and sort out what she really means . I know when my Grandchildren are in bed the new parents just want to collapse and not entertain . You should get time , I do understand. Xxxxxx

It's not a contest and please try not to make it one as it will just lead to arguments and that's the last thing you want. Work out a compromise without apportioning any blame to the other family I'm sure all you've done for them was out of love not to gain favour.

What aggie and tanith say.

When I was a first time mum I lived in the same town as both sets of parents. I found it very difficult to set reasonable boundaries for visits and time just for ourselves at evenings and weekends as both sides of the family wanted / expected to see us more when the baby arrived. I was comfortable with making suggestions about visiting times with my own mother, but not with his.

Perhaps your daughter is working hard to appear 'even-handed' and accommodating of your husband's family, but inadvertently at your expense.

Maybe in some respects what is happening is indicative of her being trusting and relaxed in her relationship with you to the point that it doesn't even cross her mind that you are feeling a bit overlooked. Maybe she is just grateful that she can suggest when you visit and feel more in control of that ... and that is not a reflection on how much she values all you do for her at all -she is experiencing a whole range of new demands that will feel consuming and sometimes overwhelming to her.

Maybe you can address the subject of 'boundaries' with your daughter - she might be relieved to talk to you about it and you might be reassured / reassuring to her.
Your listening support may also bring the reassurance that seems to be lacking for you - that you are wanted and very much appreciated, even if she is too frazzled to tell you!

I must say that I think visiting new parents weekday evenings and weekends is excessive even if you do live just up the street. Presumably your DD and her husband are, one or both, working. As another poster has said they too need time to themselves and coming home from work tired and exhausted wanting to spend time with their child, with each other and relax and then have grandparents turn up....... Of course your DGS will be in bed or on his way up there.

I do think grandparents, especially those that live nearby need to remember that they have no rights over their DC once they are grown up and independent and still less over their DGC. They must subsume their wants to see their DGC as often as possible against the needs and rights of adult children to build their own family life, have a private family life without other people continually in the house.

Ask your daughter when it would be convenient for you to visit, acknowledge that you love DGS so much you want to see a lot of him but acknowledge that she, your SiL and their child will want time on their own then ask DD to suggest what visiting patterns will suit them.

One thing I have learnt from GN is how encroaching some grandparents can become. Overwhelmed with love for their grandchildren and their desire to see them they forget that their grandchildren belong to their parents not their grandparents and that seeing them is by kind permission not by right. It has left me so grateful that I did not live anywhere near my children's grandparents when they were small, we saw them once every few weeks and that worked perfectly. I would like to live slightly closer to mine, a 4 hour journey each way can get tedious.

Ignore it & do as you please.

Thanks everyone for your advise, she is my darling daughter and maybe I have been and still am over protective of her but for good reason -but that's history. My Grandson has a very rare medical condition and has spent a large part of life in hospital, thanks to the NHS he is home and is very stable at present.
I guess I just want to support them both, her partner works away from home a lot and I do keep my distance when he is home so that they can have couple time.
I just feel I am becoming to resent the other set of grandparents due to their lack of hands on help with domestic stuff -pet care-gardening-etc, all the mundane but necessary stuff she cant keep up with because of his special needs. I do it for love not for point scoring.

mammabear your last post outs sheds an entirely different light on your actions. When a grand child has special needs and your daughter has also needed extra help in the past, then your frequent visits are understandable.

My post above would not apply in your case. I am sorry if it upset you. However, I still stand by its contents where many other grandparents are concerned where the children and grand children are all in good form and healthy and there is no special reason for grandparents to be constantly visiting.

Oh, mamabear, so sorry about your gs' medical condition and the time he has spent in the hospital! TG they were able to help him, though, and that he's home and stable at present!

I'm sorry if you feel you and dh are being treated unfairly and taken for granted. Some of it just seems to be a matter of circumstance, however. If you and dh can only come in the evenings on weekdays, for example, of course gs is in bed or on his way there. You don't expect dd (dear daughter) to keep him up to accommodate your schedule, surely?

It's beautiful that you and dh do so much to help and support dd and sil. Is it possible that dd counts this as time with her and gs? Could it be that in her view, you're getting as much or more than the other gps? It might be a good idea to let her know you'd like more time with gs. But be prepared to hear a very different view of the situation from her.

I am very sorry for the situation - but I think you should try and see the situation from your dd's perspective. She has a child that has spent a lot of time in hospital with all the worry that this brings. She may feel that she has missed a lot of the early time of being a mum as the hospital staff were in charge and wants time for herself.

Perhaps it is best not too keep dropping in even if you live close - she may be feeling overwhelmed. Why not see if you can set up a regular time to come over that suits them and you.

It is vital not to go down the route of feeling in competition with the "other" grandparents. It is a recipe for disaster and to be resisted at all costs.

Your DD just sees you as a "given" - a known support in times of trouble and not a guest. And she probably feels more able to put you off when she is needing some down time than she does her in-laws. She knows you love each other and it gives her the freedom to be more honest.

You need to stamp on any thoughts of competition with the other lot - it will fester and make it hard to see things in perspective.

Two of my DDs live locally and so do their other lot and there have been occasions when I have found myself feeling put out with some perceived favour to them - but I have stern words with myself and tell myself not to be so b****y daft!

I never just drop in on my DDs - I always wait to be asked or contact them ahead of time. So it might help you to know that you are not alone in needing to do that.

I do hope that your DGS's health will improve soon.