Friends or no friends...?

I cut negative people out of my life some time ago and, even though I have only a handful of friends now, I am still better for it.

I have cut a couple of people out this last week. One was a long term friend, since we were 15 years old. I haven't seen her since her 50th birthday nearly three years ago and she contacted me on facebook this week to say her dad had died over a month ago. I sent a message of sympathy as her dad was a top bloke and I can understand her sadness. She asked how I was so I told her about the operation. Nothing. Not a bean. Then there were all the "If you are sad because someone is in Heaven" poster posts things on facebook all over her account. Surely grief should be personal? I don't want to see these things and don't find it appropriate behaviour really so I blocked her. She then text me to ask why I had blocked her. I ignored her text. If, after nearly 40 years of us being friends, she can't even wish me well or comment on what I am up to, then don't get in touch and don't ask me how things are going with me.

The second was a friend I had made in hospital. She was lovely at first, saying we would do this and that when we both got out and she would come and visit me etc., but, when I got home, all I got were texts about who she had been seeing, where she had been, parties, lunches and trips out all the time. She lives 20 mins away and her husband could have drove her over. But again, no effort made. Me sat here in pain and reading messages of her jollying here there and everywhere but not coming anywhere to see if I am ok or even to come for a chat. She did the same in the four weeks I was back home before going back for the operation. I don't need to hear it all. I am not envious, as she accused me of being, I just simply find that if she was a true friend then she would have made an effort to come over if she is out and about.

So, the people I have in my life I truly treasure but I do now soon make decisions whether someone is good for me or not. Life is too short to have "friends" who pretend to be a friend but really just want to tell you all about themselves all the time.

Not that I have a 20 page thread all about me, you understand.

Can you cut back on seeing her? That way, you don't have to tell her, yet, that the friendship is over and you have time to change your mind.

Don't over think this though. Don't load yourself down with a lot of "shoulds" and "shouldn't" or "this is/isn't goods." Just trust your gut. If it says you'd be happier without this "friendship," let it go.

P.S. Just realised that I intended to say that she talks non stop and never actually hears anything that is said to her - which is why DH becomes incandescent! Doesn't make much sense without that part.

Helena I would agree that one doesn't need all that negativity around but, as has already been said, how to tell her.
I have a very similar but also very different problem but this is with a cousin so she is a permanent fixture in my life. All I can do is limit her visits to when I feel I am well enough and also willing and able to cope with her and spend my limited energy on her. My cousin is fully aware that she wears me out and has actually said that she is as much use as a chocolate teapot! No arguments there! Her thing is thegarden and she is convinced that she is helping in the garden but when she comes I have to be with her at all times and she does only what she wants and never puts anything away afterwards. Last week I decided that I couldn't do the gardening thing so took her out for a drive and went to a tea shop and all she did was sulk and insist that I took her to the nearest bus stop as she wanted to go home. So I did that in the end and I have decided that I really don't need that kind of behaviour. It is going to be a while before she is allowed to visit again. Nothing is ever right. The temperature is too hot or too cold, it is too windy, too sunny, too rainy. She is too tired, slept too long, her feet hurt or she has more important things to do than sit with me.
One time I decided to thoroughly sympathise with every problem and issue that bothered her in an effort to see if that was what she needed but it made no difference except to encourage her. I then tried the opposite and she took the huff. I feel that limiting the number of visits and their duration is my only option - umless someone has a better idea??? I feel sorry for her as she has no family left who will tolerate her except me and I find her so difficult and DH is sometimes incandescent about her. It is fortunate that he is so kind!

I understand what you are saying. I have just let one go that did exactly the same as your so-called friend. I'd rather be alone and happy than having to bite my tonge every time I saw her. I am lucky that I am happy in my own company so manage well without friends. I work in a charity shop 2 afternoons a week and I have made many acquaintances but I keep them all at arms length because it suits me to do so. I have created lots of hobbies for myself and my husband and I go on holiday frequently. I am managing very well without friends. As long as you have plenty of your own hobbies I think you will survive without her.

The very very best thing I did was volunteer at a local charity shop. I,v made such lovely friends and always looks forward to going every week .

Helena if this person always makes you feel this way then I think you should quietly withdraw. I have had to do this with someone, I feel bad about as I still see her at various functions, but not as bad as she made me feel when I was seeing her regularly. You may feel bad about this friend too, but try not to weaken! Good luck with the WI etc - I hope you make some lovely new friends!

I agree with the majority who are saying don't bother with her anymore.

The next issue is how to tell her........!?!

I know it's not easy to make new friends, but life is too short to put up with someone who upsets you. I don't think you'll regret it.

I agree with the majority who are saying don't bother with her anymore.

The next issue is how to tell her........!?!

I know it's not easy to make new friends, but life is too short to put up with someone who upsets you. I don't think you'll regret it.

l let go of a negative friend after 40 years. She was the only friend who l could confide to about absolutely anything so it was a tough decision.
l still miss her but the negatives far outweighed the positives. We live quite local but haven't bumped into each other for the 5+ years, just wondering how we'd react if we ever do.

I made myself very unhappy through a toxic friendship and eventually had to distance myself tho it was very hard, and I took ages to get through this. I beat myself up a lot, and felt lonely. But I made such nice friends that I would never have done if I hadn't broken away. The best ever! Charity shop volunteering either in shop or behind the scenes is a def good way to meet folk.

I only have one friend who I speak to every day for five to ten minutes. I go to several groups for mental health where I know the people and we can laugh but they are only aquaintances. But I am now content to potter in garden or read or knit or do puzzles. I also have a husband at home. I have a penfriend as well through silver line..

You know the song the kids love. Let it Go! I did that with a long friendship with someone who was self centered,never listened to what I had to say and only talked about herself. I found out that not many people actually liked her when I thought she was the life and soul of the party. She found some new friends and fitted me in when she could. I ended up not getting in touch with her. We moved house without telling her and I heard she couldn't understand why,she probably thought I was being weird but I wanted to cut ties. I'm the same as you Helena, shy and deaf in one ear, so it's hard but I joined clubs in my new place and met some lovely new friends. You need to cut out the negative to feel good about yourself.

Friendship - no deposit no return

You do not need this 'friend'. In life I have learned that friendships are fleeting .....and that is the best way ! The true friends I have I never seem but talk to regularly once or twice a week online ...two are from the age of 4 or 5 when I first met them a school (we are all 70 this year !) and whose lives I have followed, through leaving school, college, work, marriage, divorce, children, grandchildren, etc etc ...we all knew each other's families boyfriends, etc ...then there are others I met at the next school aged 11 who are still friends ...and some work colleagues I keep in touch with !

We never meet but exchange photos, things that have happened in our lives, etc etc ..it has been (well so far still is ) fascinating to see what has happened in the last 65 years to all of us ! We are scattered all over the UK and the world now ....The USA, Greece, Spain, France, the North of England, Scotland, Holland, et al (we all came from Ipswich in Suffolk) last time a lot of us met was at the 40 year school reunion arranged by my friend of 65 years who lives in Texas ! Itwas amazing to see how we looked ....we actually even had a couple of very aged teachers turn up !

I would say you're better off without friends like that. I have several local acquaintances who will do anything to help and lift one another and also have plenty of experience of what I call "psychic leeches" - those who make you feel really uncomfortable sucking your life essence. I enjoy my own company and have plenty to keep me happily occupied and out of mischief and believe me, I know that I much prefer being with those who try to make people feel better and also being alone - no need for the third lot at all!

Could you take you friend to task for her boasts / negative comments / whatever? Maybe in a joky way?
She might not realise how she's coming across.

If you don't feel you can try that, or don't think it would work then definitely you should look elsewhere, as others are suggesting.

A friend who gets on your wick isn't a friend, she's a bad habit.

Plenty more friends out there for you, dozens on here for a start.

Helena I think the fact you needed to ask on here says it all really. Take a step back from your friend, you will feel so much better without all that negativity.

Get other friends. No brainer.

Helena - I have a friend who sounds very similar to yours. She would do anything for anyone but at the same time has an opinion on EVERYTHING and is always 'right'! No-one can do anything right for her ..the NHS, the GP, the Council, the Gas-board - you get the drift! After years and years of this constant barrage I realised that it was having a very negative effect on me and that I was whittling about it all the time so I have 'cooled' things off. I still see her, but for shorter lengths of time and I don't always reply to tirades on Messenger or similar. Maybe you could try the same ... a coffee once in a while will keep you in touch, but if that doesn't work then maybe try gradually reducing contact. All the best.

Get out there Helena and make new friends. Take a class, volunteer, whatever. To me, you and your husband have a great idea of balance. You sound like a lovely quiet person with much to offer, you will fit in.

Helena, the fact that you are posting here is perhaps indicative of your wish to finish this friendship. (I think that most of us have at some time had "friendships" that we need to end.) As the Gransnetters say here, please think about joining something - maybe the local WI and/or U3A? If you phoned the local group for info, then perhaps you could say that you are a shy person and that you'd appreciate some support when you go along? (I know that my own WI group would respond positively to such a request.) Good luck with moving on.

kim19 you are absolutely right, I have several friends who make my life so much better just for knowing them, we support each other, laugh together and cry together. Life would be poorer without them, unlike in my previous post, where I mentioned a friend I had to drop, which made my life better, and who knows, maybe without me she e mouse her life more too. But Kim is right, true friends are a wonderful positive in life.

helena This lady is no friend if she has you anxious and upset before you even meet up with her I would wash her out of my life for good and go to enquire down the volunteering route,I have lots of pals that I have met up with within my work in the Charity Shop business and even though now fully retired I still meet up with 4 ladies (at different times)for coffee & cake and a chat.Some of the nanna's & grandpa's at my DGSs school work with the children 1/2 day a week in their garden growing plants for the school plant sale they have all become good friends so there is plenty of offers out there.