We make each other resentful/unhappy

I meant to add that I hope your pain subsides soon. My SIL recently had a big procedure don eon her back, involving discs and she was in pain and couldn't do much for months afterwards. progress was very slow, but day by day she started getting stronger. After months of taking things slowly and moving with difficulty she has started to drive again. She hasn't been behind the wheel for a long time, so this is progress.

Her operation was major, and I am sorry I don't know the details of it all, (she lives far away so short phone conversations are all we have) but she is getting better when things looked fairly hopeless and pain was a way of life for her.

I hope you too feel better as the days go by, but do keep asking your consultant questions. If you need morphine I imagine it's a severe condition and treatment and your back isn't likely to feel better quickly. Much sympathy but take it easy and hope for light at the end of the tunnel.

win I would let him go completely - let him go so he can find someone else who meets his needs. You perhaps also need to resume seeing your friends.
If he wants to live with you and have you meet his needs, and you don't love him , if that isn't going to change for you, it will only get worse let him go.

Some men when retired have an old fashioned expectation of women/women friends.

A family friend aged 67 on moving back to the area got in contact - he has fallen out with all his family, no friends and it became quickly clear that he expected to pop around regularly so I could cook meals for him.

It was a difficult thing to get him to see that he needed to take responsibility for himself.

Oh dear Win. I think you have done the right thing in ending this relationship.

It has to work well for both parties and his needs differed from yours, and annoyed you. He annoyed you and to be honest, that sort of behaviour would have annoyed me too.

There is nothing wrong with wanting space, and in wanting your standards maintained in your home is reasonable. It is horrible having to remind people to do things properly, even if your 'properly' isn't their idea of the right way.

I am afraid the BO problem and the not washing hands after using the loo behaviour, even after gentle reminders would drive me insane. I couldn't live with it and you couldn't either.

You tried to train him and he didn't respond. he saw it as criticism, and it was, but it was justified, imo. (I think we all try to 'train or influence our partners to some extent, especially if we have to share our lives and living space. My man irritates me and I do have to hold my tongue at times because I really don't want to nag, but occasionally I have to mention things. He does the same to me too and I think for the sake of harmony we try very hard to be gentle in criticising, but oh boy, there are certain things that drive me barmy!)

For me I can say this comes from having had my own home to run alone for many many years before we decided to get a place together. It IS hard to adjust.

Your home is your castle. This man sounds far too demanding and dependent, and he is unlike you in many ways. His standards are different.

Stop feeling guilty. I'd have done the same thing. if you can, maintain a cordial friendship, one that doesn't involve him sharing your home. I'd keep your distance now that you've made that break. You don't want all those annoyances again. Life should be more peaceful!

Join friendship groups, ones that meet for lunch and plan outings, if you can, and keep on doing your charity work. I do hope things become less strained in time. Life will feel better for you soon, I am sure. Best wishes.

win I wish you a speedy recovery !

As for all the things you need help with just write a list and find the help you need elsewhere. We all need boundaries to protect our own sense of well being and you certainly do not need this needy man in your life. He will suck you dry if you let him so please maintain this new position that you have now taken for your own good.

Win my late father had a special telephone called a Minicom from social services hearing department. It is a relay service from type talk
Most banks services such electric water and gas all have a special number that you can use.
It is usually found just under thier normal telephone number.
It would possibly make you more independent
Re phone calls

This is not complicated - you have solved your own problem by asking him to go.
If you need to be absolutely sure you are doing the right thing, just go back to basics and make two lists.

FOR CONTINUING WITH HIM

AGAINST CONTINUING WITH HIM

Which is longest??? I know, and I am sure you do too..

I don't understand why you were ever "with" this smelly, unhygienic, needy man! Especially since he wants to touch you all the time. Euch!

Spinal curvature, scoliosis, can be operated on later in life but obviously the older the patient the more problematic the process and the result. I know of people in their 40's and possibly older have had it done but it is more usual when younger.
i hope you are recovering well from your operation win. You must be in a lot of pain, which makes important decisions more difficult. Good luck.

Thank you so very much ladies, I do know you are right. I have just spoken with one of the two friends I have confided in and she says exactly the same. She is positive I will be back to my happy self once I have recovered from my operation and get back to all my normal activities I used to do without the control hanging over me.

Have any of you ladies had this particular operation, in which case how bad were your pains afterwards. I feel I am moving forward very, very slowly and the pain where the insertion was is really severe. Thank goodness for Morphine and pain killers. In my case the cut the bone of one disc called L4 and released the trapped nerve. I have a bad but not too severe curvature on my spine too, which does not help, but they could not correct that of course. That is usually an operation that is done before the age of 10 years. I never knew I had this until roughly 8 years ago. But it does show on my naked back.

I would be interested to hear about your experiences.

Read back everything you have written Win, you have handled this difficult situation extremely well, with care, compassion and honesty, try not to go back and although you may miss the good times the bad times are eating you up and it will ease as u establish a new routine, going back will lead you to having to go through this stress again. I feel a clean break is fairer too both of you. You cannot be blamed for his past and his insecurities and this time of life is yours, what will happen if he becomes poorly and what's even more of your time? Be brave, all the best win

You are not being harsh - there needs to be a balance in relationships, each satisfying some need in the other. This relationship is not working for you and you have had the wisdom to stand back and take the decision to call it a day. Maybe you will be able to gradually create a relationship that is on a better footing; but equally that my not be possible.

Hopefully you can concentrate on looking forward and doing all the things you enjoy with other friends.

Sometimes things that start off well do not continue in that way. It is a shame, but in no way your fault. Your needs were not compatible that is all.

BlueBelle everything you say is correct, but easier said than done.

How do you get a man to stick to your boundaries when he cannot see what he is doing wrong. when you cannot reason with him without a verbal fight and he gets so very hurt and feels rejected every time you say a boundary has been crossed.

I can assure you the smell puts me off too and it makes me irritated when he arrives smelly in yesterdays clothes as I feel he does not care. He does not make an effort with his dress code either and willhappily wear gardening clothes for ballroom dancing and so on. Even when I politely or bluntly I have tried both point it out, it is repeated again and again. Yet he says he does not want to let me down, I feel embarrassed yes, but it is himself he is letting down. I cannot be responsible for everything he does, even though I at times feel I am.

I know I give him mixed messages, but I do care for him. If only I did not need help with my hearing. at least I can pay handymen for jobs, but I cannot pay anyone to help me with my hearing at times. I never ask him to do anything but that he always offers and I repay him with other things I do for him and praise and praise.

Gosh it is helping me to get it off my chest. Thank you for being there.

Makes me very glad to live on my own Lonliness is better than this scene

You are giving him mixed messages by relying on him for some things but not enjoying his company and not really wanting him around you most of the time
The smell problem would put me off before we started one shower a week wouldn't be ok for me at all, I like a nice smelling man.

You are not his mother or carer and if you don't love him you need to part, if you love him, even with all his faults and would miss him too much then you just need to carry on trying to change the things you don't like ...set the rules that you are comfortable with and make sure you stick to them

It was with a sense of relief that I read in your post that you've told this friend you want the relationship to end win. You are neither selfish or harsh. You've tried to accommodate this man's 'issues' and sadly, despite your best efforts the relationship has become the cause of increased stress.
Smileless you have summed it all up in one for me. I have never been so stressed in my life, I have always had a full diary, but enjoy what I do, this is spoiling my enjoyment so much. Thank you

Christinefrance, Sunseeker's message from me was really meant for you. I have as yet not found a way to be able to see your posts at the same time as writing the individual reply if you know what I mean.

If I click on "make a comment" to a specific post the answer drops to the bottom, instead of under that particular post.

sunseeker I fear he would go back to what he was like if not worse when he started coming here. He was in a bad place caused by so many things before I met him. I would like to give you some more details but I naturally have to be so careful as we could easily be recognised. Thank you for your respond

You are so right rosesarered he is very needy and very sad in a way. He feels I have shown him sides to his life he has not know existed for the last 80 years.

He has lots of good sides too. He is usually very gentle too gently for a man, but when he does flare up he really does.
He likes doing things for me, too much by far and needs to be praised again and again for every minute detail he has done. (I know this is a man thing, LOL)His son funnily warned me about this the very first time I met him.
He helps me a lot with my hearing disability. I have in fact just had a cry.

I was on to Paypal to sort a small payment they had taken from my card,to verify my credit card, linked to the account but did not understand what they were telling me to do. The Guy had a strong accent and even though I have an excellent streamer phone specifically for my hearing aids I just could not understand the conversation. In the end I put the phone down saying "you just try to be deaf" and burst out crying afterwards. How silly, but I do rely on him for things like that at times.

Most of our acquaintances like him, one of my friends intensely dislikes the way he controls me and she keeps telling me to finish, but he has always said it is because she want me to herself. She is very disabled and used to rely on me a lot.

He praises me constantly when we are with friends particularly about the charity work I do, which he admires but yet resents. He would not be doing any if it was not for me.

It is strange how differently one sees things when you write them down, because every time I write a good side I can find a reason why, if you follow. But would say it is all due to his love for me.

I am not afraid of him, I don't think he would ever hurt me in any way intentionally.

I care for him and I think I would miss him if he was not in my life at all.

I have lots of hobbies and plenty of friends. My late DH's family are very close to me and I see them several times a year.

Thank you for all your comments I shall read them all again, it is helping me to think straight.

It was with a sense of relief that I read in your post that you've told this friend you want the relationship to end win. You are neither selfish or harsh. You've tried to accommodate this man's 'issues' and sadly, despite your best efforts the relationship has become the cause of increased stress.

sunseeker's advice is what I was going to give you. Keep any future contact to the charities you both support and don't, under any circumstances invite him back to your home. For his sake as much as your own; I think more than likely he'd regard an invitation as meaning more that it actually does.

Take care with your recovery.

I think you've answered your question just by getting it off your chest!

My DM's sister passed away and her husband liked coming to stay with my DM as he was waited on hand and foot. He suggested that he move in with her but didn't want her to go to all her clubs (she was very active at the time), he wanted his lunch at 1pm and tea at 5pm on the dot! When she said she wasn't prepared to give up her hobbies he simply said "well, there's no point in me moving in with you then"!!!

Relationships such as this can be very one-sided. Do what makes YOU happy, we all have a shelf life!

The constant need to know where you are and what you are doing and trying to monopolise your time are worrying. You need to keep him at arms length otherwise he will try to worm his way back in. I am sure you other friends would be happy to help you while you recover. If he does make contact be sure to only meet with him at your various charities where other people are present - don't let him back into the house under any circumstances.

A real problem for you win he sounds a needy and rather sad person who really values you, and perhaps does love you, or at least has become very attached to you.
If you do want to see him again, you will have to explain all the boundaries that you need for the future, you can say it's nothing that he has done wrong, but what you need to happen for yourself.
If you really do want it to be final, then stick to it.Think about the pros and cons though, would you be happy seeing him but only on certain days?

I think the caring is all one sided and you see this chap as someone you can help rather than it being an equal relationship. No easy way round this but to take the bull by the horns and end the relationship.
You don't have anything good to say about him so why are you still letting it go on ?

Listen to your friends, listen to your own heart - you know this "friend" is not good for you and it certainly sounds like he is taking advantage of your good nature. He is, although perhaps a little vulnerable, an adult and well able to look after himself and he should not "get wild" just because you verbalise your wishes.

I do think he is likely to make contact with you in the future and you are going to have to be very firm and strong in your convictions. Make use of your other friends to help you through this time.