My flipping mother

Thank you for your kind words. Writing it down and posting it made me feel better and your words have helped.

I'm sorry about your son phoenix. KatyK

Bluebelle, I had a funny childhood due to my mum but I try hard not to do things that will hurt my children - something she never took into account. I'm lucky in that DH is a loving, kind and involved parent too. My dad, whilst loving and kind, was very detached and never tried to temper Mum's dramas.

Corner, I do look forward - I'm generally a glass half full person - but that's over 50 years of getting to know my cousin - there is no getting that back. And, my children have little to do with my brother's daughter because of Mum. That is more her loss than theirs as mine have enough siblings without needing an extra cousin and they get on well with their cousins on DH's side!

You are very kind about me gaga and I hope I have been a good enough Mum. My mum once told me that she knew she had been a good mother as I was so good at it. I actually refute that argument because I use my Mum as role model of what not to do!

While I've been typing this, it has occurred to me that maybe that's why we have a large family - so we could be fairly self-contained. Blimey, that's deep!!

Oh kitty this strikes such a chord with me!

My mother died earlier this year, after spending many years not speaking to me. I have no idea why, I think I was a good daughter, always at her beck and call, especially after my step father died.

We used to be so close, I have no idea why she suddenly deemed me persona non grata, and the letter she left me gave no indication.

Since her death, my son (who has inherited almost all of her considerable estate) has not been to see me, despite my leaving him messages asking him to get in touch. He is a cold fish, the complete opposite to my late DS2.

My mother broke all contact with two of her sisters when my grandmother died, it was 10 years before I saw them again and only because one was terminally ill. Families can mess with your head, not fair on children.

why I'm not 'bright and breezy'

I really do agree with Bluebelle . I sometimes think my DD sees me ad a 'difficult woman'. We tried to give our DD a good childhood and I think we succeeeded. She has turned out well balanced, seems happy and has produced a wonderful, kind, clever daughter of her own. My own childhood was horrendous. It made me a nervous wreck and some not very nice things that have happened to me as an adult have added to this problem. My DD knows I have had difficult times but I would never burden her with some of the awful things that happened in my childhood. I think sometimes she wonders why an not 'bright and breezy' or that I tend to 'live in the past' but it's not easy for me. Because we had different upbringings, we have a different outlook on life. My siblings and I had cousins we never knew existed until our father died, we too could have got to know them before. I'm glad you have found your 'new' relatives kitty

Kitty
Gaga is right. No human is perfect but there is something good in every one of us.
We all have events in our lives which shape our relationships to others and we are also affected by things that have affected our parents and it becomes very complex if we attempt to analyse too much. We don't only grieve for 'what was', and 'is now lost', but also for all the 'might have beens'. When your grieving is done and acceptance clicks in you will be able to move forward and make the most of every opportunity and contact to really wring the best out of your life as it is now. Been there and done it sadly but things are much better now.
Sending you ((hugs)) Kitty

Good post Gaga

That's a lovely insightful post, gaga. Thank you.

I once told my DD what a good Mum I thought she was and she replied that to be a good Mum you had to have had one. I took that as a complement (rare from her I might add!) and it helped me to concentrate on the good parts of mothering I had received from my Mum. Like all mother/daughter relatioships we had a somewhat chequered history but I have never doubted that she loved me and I now appreciate and concentrate on the things she did for me and the values she gave me. I think she was the best mother she could manage to be.

You sound to be a brilliant Mum kitty so maybe your Mum did manage to show you some aspects of how to be that? Would it help to try and think of what you did learn from her rather than all the things she wasn't?

She did do something right in producing you!

Sorry to hear you are feeling angry Kitty but maybe this is part of the grieving process until you find Acceptance and move forward again with your life.

I have two older sisters who live close by but with whom I have no contact. Our lives are very different and apart from being related we have nothing in common. They have never worked or had children - their choice - I work full time, Have DS and DD and 2 gcs. I tried many times to befriend them to no avail. They even told our parents of my phone calls for whom I tried to heal any rift but no luck. I felt angry that my parents didn't try too but they have now passed away and I have to accept the situation. I told my children very little of my heartache now my daughter has invited them to her wedding.

Sorry this turned out to be about me not you but hope you can accept that you may never know all the thoughts and feelings involved. But hopefully can forge a way toward for yourself and do what makes you happy

So glad you are back in contact and hope you can look forward to more and to many years of their friendship. Just enjoy!

I'm sorry this is bothering you now, kitty, you have shared a lot about your struggles with your Mum and I wonder if this isn't simply a step towards moving away from the pain of your relationship with her and putting the past to rest. We can't go back, can we? None of us know how life would have been if something had been different, but it's natural that we wish there had been more good things. It's natural you would be cross with your Mum for separating you from your Aunt who was perhaps all your Mum wasn't. I'm sorry kitty, I'm not explaining myself very well. Can you move from being cross to thinking about the future? Can there be a warm and loving relationship with your family now? There are good early memories, today and tomorrow will hold some more. Sending ((((hugs.)))) and hope.

You may never know what made your mum as she was and if you did you would only hear one side of the story now There was probably a reason which may or may not have been her fault it's a shame that so many secrets to our characters will die with us and never be explained

We may see a cantankerous old lady or man who annoys everyone but not know about some past relationship that chipped away at their self confidence I remember wondering how on earth this lady I knew could dislike her brother so much when he was charming kind and funny but I had no knowledge of the abuse she had suffered as a child
Please don't take that as anything about your family it's just an example
No one will know the opportunities I ve missed through shyness as no one believes me to be shy so I must be an A* actor There are so many aspects to our character that are never known
I had seven cousins that lived in my town but as a child I never knew one of them I had a good childhood and was loved but as an only child I was lonely I hear people talking about their childhood where they would go off for hours exploring with their cousins and I feel so sad and a bit resentful... but I guess there was a reason I was kept from them My dad and his brother weren't close I ve no real idea why but my dad was a fair and kind man so the reason must have been right for him but I sometimes cry at those lost opportunities and I might have been a more confident assertive person if I d have had that freedom .... so then my kids when I m gone may wonder why on earth didn't mum do such and such and never realise
We are all the product of our parents fears, worries, mistakes and our children will be of ours