My flipping mother

Reading these posts has made me realise that I am one of the lucky ones. Had a brilliant mother and father and have two great brothers plus nephews and nieces. Also many aunts, uncles, cousins and loads of even more distant relatives. Family has always been very important to all of us.
The problems I have (not family ones) seem minor in comparison.

My ain't just tells me that my mum had issues! Which she did, I can see that, her mother was awkward and argumentative too for a start.

But I maintain that she could have been different had she tried or been a bit perceptive. I'm lucky in that I have some of my dad's temperament and have not continued the pattern.

My mum is the common denominator in nearly all the family aggro and there is quite a bit of it.

Teetime, I'll pm you!

Ramblingrose22, this could have been me writing. My mum died a few months ago after constantly falling out with most people in her life. I grew up being told that no-one would ever want or love me. Yes I believed it and it has affected my whole life. I understand now though that my mum was probably suffering from depression or some other mental health problem, but it wasn't diagnosed then. Throughout my childhood I just wondered why my mum was different to everyone else's. It seems from the insightful posts here that I was not alone after all. How sad. But my daughter tells me what a good mum I am (and she doesn't know much about my childhood) , so must be doing something right! How powerful family relationships are.

kitty my Dad and his sister fell out of when I was about 9 or 10 and never saw each other again until their father's funeral. My Auntie had been part of our lives, baby sitting, looking after me after school. She adored me as the 1st grandchild and as someone who wanted children but could never had any. I knew there'd been a row at a family party and alcohol was involved (nothing new), but I didn't find out what happened until I was an adult.

My Auntie had been playing with my younger brother and he'd started to cry. He was a complete wuss as a child (even he'd agree! ) and a bit of a cry baby. My Auntie made some remark about my brother being gay (paraphrasing here - it was the 60s) and this was like a red rag to my big, tough Scots Dad. That was it for over 30 years until the funeral. They never reconciled.

As an adult and having discussed it with my other Auntie, their little sister, I came to understand that my Auntie was jealous of my Dad and especially his three children. She was the first born, but my Dad was the beloved son and their Mum lost twin boys before he was born. Until they became estranged, they'd always been at each other's throats. I noticed this even as a child. Either of them could start an argument in an empty room. It's a family trait and one reason why I don't drink very often.

I'm sharing my story because for many years I only knew one side of the story and although my Auntie was in the wrong, I came to understand something of what she was feeling. Maybe there's someone in your family you can talk to about what happened between your Mum and her brother?

kittylester My grandmother was like this, she brought me up and when I was 12 she fell out with all her family, after a holiday argument. To cut a long story short I lost touch with the two cousins who were my best childhood friends but because of my interest in genealogy, I use Ancestry, I have managed to find them again and back in June I spent a wonderful week in Spain with one of my cousins, she married a Spaniard and has two children. I now have an extended family, a Spanish one!

Thankyou Caro,no wasn't jealous,she always encouraged my relationship with GD.
Strangely during our difficult discussion she said it was my Mother who was the only one to show any affection! How strange life is sometimes.
Yes love and hugs to all you lovely ladies x

Elenkalubleton, I'm so sorry you're feeling so hurt. Perhaps your daughter was feeling down or even a bit jealous of your good relationship with your GD. Try to put it behind you and enjoy a new start with your daughter - it'll be hard but worth it I'm sure. This thread has been very helpful for me to read as I wasn't close to my mother but I've come to realise and accept, as others in here have, that she was the best she could be. Sending to all of you.

This thread is helping me a lot - I dont feel so alone with the memories of my very difficult relationship with my mother. For many years I carried so much guilt because we couldnt seem to get along. Mum passed away two years ago and gradually I have come to see not only that we were chalk and cheese, but also that she had her own problems - my daughter has a theory Mum was on the autism spectrum, but of course we will never know. I used to get really cross too kittylester about the wasted years of my childhood. I wasnt allowed friends to play, Mum had many reasons why we didnt see members even of our own family and we were holed up in great isolation. It made me so shy and awkward for most of my life, yet I am actually sociable and need the company of others. I think the only thing to do is to go forward with great determination to make the very best of your situation now.

Welcome Booklady, it must have been so hard to find out how you were conceived, to tell you in such a public place was a bad call, you needed to know but not like that. I suppose though your mom must have wanted a child so much to have gone through that to have you. Years ago people didn't show their feeling as they do now, perhaps her parents were cold with her and it was just learnt behaviour, everything is discussed now and more open. Why she said such cruel thing to you I can't understand. You have turned out a lovely mother and grandmother,cso shecdid something right. No one knows what went on in the past do I don't personally think anyone can judge, it's best to conscentrate on east you have than past hurts, which many of us have.
Kitty, you dont know what went on and if you can, do what the song says and let it go. It seems you have a whole family that you can get to know on and that must be so exciting. I know that many families where siblings don't get on, both raised by the same parents but do different their view on their upbringing. I would give anything to have just five minutes with my mom, I wish I had told her how much I loved her, but I didn', I hoped she knew.

I have always blamed my mother for my problems - severe anxiety, low self esteem etc and for letting us children witness violence and abuse in the home. I should give her a break, it wasn't easy in those days and she had nowhere to go. I'm sure if she had had a crystal ball and could have seen how our upbringing has affected us all she may have done things differently.

GAGA,I was very interested when you said "to be a good Mum you had to have had one"?Igot on very well with my Mum, but she was emotionally very cold.She couldn't cope with tears,when I was upset I got no hugs or comfort,I was never kissed by Mum Dad,or grandparents.Yet she was great fun hardworking and we were well fed and cared for.Dad was distant,he had a difficult childhood.
I brought my only daughter up the same way, although I loved her,It was just alien to me to show her affection.I thought I was doing ok as a Mother.Untill about 10 years ago when my GD was 7, i noticed my daughter had been a bit off with me.I had asked her many times if I'd done something wrong.I finally got it out of her,she blurted out that she'd never felt loved as a child,she couldn't remember any happy times from her childhood.( I did give her Birthday parties every year?")I have never been so hurt,and will never get over it.She did say I was a brilliant Grandma to her daughter.Who she tells her she loves every day.I feel better telling you all.it seems we all have our cross to bear.

My mother had a falling out with her one sister-in-law when I was about three. It resulted in my father's parents never again inviting us at the same time as my uncle and his wife, which I could understand. Unfortunately, they chose not to invite us at the same time as my aunt (Daddy's sister) and her husband and my three cousins.

I don't know why, as I believe my aunt had refused to be drawn into the quarrel between my Auntie Kathleen and my mother.

Now, after both of the elder generations of the family are dead and gone, I am in touch with my cousins, so my advice is to try not to be bitter about the past, enjoy the fact that your aunt and cousin want to know you, perhaps they can help you get to know other relatives.

It may not be anything from your Mums side so please bear that in mind.My family unfortunately turned against me over lies that were told to them by my Stepfather. Was never given the opportunity to discuss what the problem was, just coldly and cruelly cut off and blanked( I know what was said as fortunately one Sister has told me and tried to help) Can honestly say hand on heart I haven't done anything wrong and my Children have grown up without the family on my side. It upsets me and at Christmas breaks my heart. I have tried several times to contact them but have to accept that I'm not wanted in their lives

Thank you booklady54 it is somehow reassuring to know that others are in the same boat even if its not a very nice boat isn't it.

Teetime, I do feel for you. I'm a newbie but this thread resonated so much I just had to add my piece!
My mother kept the fact that I was a donor conceived baby a secret all my life. My aunt(her sister) decided she didn't want to be burdened with this any more so told me when I was 50.....at a family party. Timing is all, is it not!?
My mother was in a home by this stage and when I challenged her she refused to answer my questions and then died the next day so I never got to find out anything. She spent my whole life telling me I was such a disappointment. I've been struggling for years with her treatment of me, but with help am getting to accept, finally, at 62 that it's o.k.to be me and that I'm not what she said for all those years.
I have made sure that I never made my DD or DS feel anything but loved and cherished and now the message is being reinforced with twin GD and GS.
Always happy to share a rant and send a hug even if I'm very new!!

kitty you and I have talked before about the destructive powers of some mothers so you know I sympathise. My mother has been dead for 16 years now (heavens is it that long)and I have a raged up conversation with her on most days saying all the things I wish I had said when she was here. I resent bitterly the fact that I only have unhappy childhood memories and the years of depression and failed relationships due to her mothering. Not sure what to say except if you fancy another coffee, cake and golf old chin wag I'm here.

Don't entirely blame your mother..it could well be something her brother had done to upset her. Forget it and move on with your new found relationship with your extended family.

I can understand that. My mum fell out with a sil some years ago, and my uncle wouldn't have anything to donwith her for years. Things did improve later when I was in my teens and I got to meet up with my cousin who was a great guy we hung about a lot and I had many a happy time at there place. Sadly he died in his late 50s.
I have also just lost another Aunt whom my mum used to argue with a lot but they ended up ok in the end.
My mum was from a big family of 8 children and the oldest girl, she had to do a lot of things in those days for my nan, I wonder if at times it was jealousy

My mum was brilliant, we were very close and got on incredibly well.
However, after my DF died when I was 31, I discovered, quite by accident that there was something which had been kept from me for my entire life!
I challenged her about it, and she said "It's nothing to do with you, so I decided that we wouldn't tell you, Your dad wanted to talk to you about it before you got married, but I forbade him to."
It's nothing drastic, not at all important in the great scheme of things, and I'm not at all bothered about the 'fact' itself.
I am, however, very, very angry that DM decided that I wasn't to be trusted with the information, even though it impacted directly on my life!
I still loved my DM, but after that I didn't like her quite as much as before!

I sometimes have negative thoughts about my mother, who could be difficult, and took offence very easily. I try, however, to remember that she didn't have my opportunities. She left school at 14, married at 19 and brought up 5 children on very little money, lived through 2 world wars and the Depression. Her own father died when she was 4 and, though nothing was ever really said, I think she may have been ill-used or abused by her stepfather. She never had the chance to develop any skills, though she played the piano and sang well, and was not unintelligent. So I try not to judge.

Kitty - I can empathise with you and I'm not surprised you feel angry.

My late mother was controlling, vindictive and constantly suggested there was something wrong with me. It's not surprising that I was very shy and worried about myself and didn't like socialising and then she would say "Why haven't you got many friends? It's must be ebcause people don't like you."

I realise now that all along there was something wrong with her and she knew it, but was "projecting" her thoughts on to me to make herself feel better. She should never have had children.

I am still angry about her effect on me - that is only natural - but I try not to speculate about what might have been as it makes me feel worse.

I take comfort in knowing that I am not like her, that I have been a better mother than her and that she was a totally inadequate person who couldn't help herself.

Concentrate on making the most of your life as it is now and avoiding people who are anything like she was because such people are not unique.

Why waste time being cross, she may have had depression or some issue that you will never know about, just be glad that things seem different for you.

I know that my depressive illness has seen me make some appalling family decisions..........but also, when some family members who I was extremely close to, made remarks about my disabled grand daughter, I cut them put of my life. I miss them but could never forgive what they said about the costs of disabled children being a burden to the tax payers.

The past as they say 'is a foreign country they do things differently there', move on and don't think badly of your mum she had her reasons.

Don't feel cross - what's the point of that. For whatever caused it ,it was a long time ago and you can't change the past. If I told you I was cross with my departed parents because they made me into an only child that would be weird wouldn't it ?

Some good posts on here, which mirror some of my feelings about my mother.
Looking back now (she died in 2002) I realise what a strong and capable person she was, and broadminded, loving and setting a good example
I was lucky(?) enough to live near her in her last 12 years and we got on eachother's nerves a lot. But now I realise it was a blessing for both of us.
You don't know what you've got until it's gone

I think so many family problems arise from different interpretations put on quite trivial events by different members of a family, which is why they are often so insoluble and why, so often you do not know what caused the problem

I am one of three girls. For most of my adult life I had a distance and somewhat uneasy relationship with my youngest sister. I had absolutely no idea why. We did get closer after the sister between us died in a road accident but it was only after our DF died that one evening, over a bottle of wine, the story got told.

My mother was a worrier and when she was with one daughter she would talk about all the worries she had about the other two. I knew what she was like and took these conversations in my stride. My youngest sister, who is very different to me, to them to mean that our mother had no interest in her and that as she didn't feature in these conversations it must be because her older girls were her favourites. For reason's I haven't explored my sister took out her resentment at this supposed favouritism on me, as the eldest.

When I told her that our mother worried endlessly to me about her. She was gobsmacked, that had never occurred to her. I described some of the topics that had been talked through with me and she recognised them and the truth of what I was saying.

Since then the distance between us has vanished and we as close as we have wanted to be. Yet all those years of distance were caused by two different interpretations of just one trait in our mother's personality.