In need of advice

I completely understand the feeling of rolling downhill towards the end of life, as that happened to me, wholly unexpectedly, as soon as I hit 50.
It won't last and there will be lots of good things in your life, and that doesn't depend on having a partner.
Well done for deciding to seek counselling.
I hope you also take the advice already given, to check up what you can do legally and to contact Al-Anon. The more help you can get, the better.

Deni my 1st H was very controlling, we took the Tenancy of a pub, he carried on working but would ring me several times a day. He would question me every evening "where had I been?", "who had I spoken to?" etc. Fortunately my marriage didn't last long as I met some-one else & left, no children.

I would suggest either a Solicitor or CAB for advice & find an Al-Anon group for support. You need to get this man out of your life.

You are only 53, whole lot of life ahead of you, I was widowed at 57 (much loved DH of almost 21 years). I moved again to a new area fortunately about 10 miles from DD & DGSs. I've made a new life for myself, no man in my life but lots of friends & a brilliant social life. Once you're rid of this man your life will change, hopefully with the support of your own family

Deni I stayed in a relationship too long - made all sorts of excuses why I couldn't end it. But that is what they were - excuses. Every one of my Excuses could be sorted with a bit of lateral thinking or the realisation that I was more important. This situation cannot be doing you or your family any good.

Make an appt with a solicitor and don't let all the hassles and complications put you off.

Sad to say, you need to get rid of him. It seems to me that you still want him around however. Its hard but you can do it if you really want to. I was in a similar position myself many many years ago...after many attempts to get him out...I found him a girlfriend, I knew he would succumb, (he didn't realise it was me who set it up) and he eventually disappeared out of my life. I had forgotten about him until I read your post.

DENIE1963 as an alcoholic he will have a Jekyll and Hyde personality, especially if he still binge drinks. I would suggest you go to an AL ANON meeting (for families and friends of alcoholics) because you've been badly affected by alcoholism. Your not in any state to make rational decisions at the moment because of him mentally abusing you. Please contact AL ANON either by phone on 020 7403 0888 or find them online at www.al-anonuk.org.uk . I promise you YOUR life will get better as you will meet people who totally understand you and it will give you clarity over your feelings. Take it from someone who's been there and who's life is so transformed with al-anon 's help. Good luck ?

I can so relate to this with my 2nd husband. I now realise that every time he apologised and started being nice for a while, I was accepting it and enabling him to carry on with the emotional cruelty. I divorced him and was left penniless because of him, I lost everything but boy have I now picked myself up now that my self esteem and strength has returned. Men like that are just monsters, no logic or reasoning, it's just all about them. My solicitor said it's hard to get a divorce based on emotional cruelty, but I did as I had started writing everything down and I was so shocked at the repetition of abuse and how long that I had accepted it as normal. My family and friends hated him too, they saw what he was doing to me. I waited till he went away one weekend and had all the locks changed, and left his belongings in our garage to collect. He sobbed and pleaded for me not to leave him but at that stage he had just eroded all my love for him. I gave him a copy of all my records of our marriage and I never heard from him again, so even he could see he had pushed me too far.

DeniI too was married to a 'lovely easy going man' who everyone liked - except my kids. He destroyed my self confidence and made me feel totally inadequate, I had my own house - mortgaged - when I met him but eventually for my own sanity I left, my kids had already left home. He ended up with my house, I had nothing, he has now lost that house and I have ended up living in social housing. I could not be happier, best thing I ever did was leave him, I have friends, a good life and no money, but not one moment of regret. Don't let the b**** grind you down, your mental health is far more important than money and security, at least he can't get your house.

Deni1963 He is a bully, intimidating and dragging you down.
Go to citizens advice as this is a free service.
Take it from there.

Goodness me Deni1963 has dreadful for you. Everything has been said here. You need advice and help. Can you enlist a friend or family memeber to help you. Perhaps Citizens advice can point you. 53 is young. You have lots to live for, it may be a tough and rocky road, but grit your teeth and get away from this awful man. He will wear you down. Good Luck.

Whatever way you do it get rid quick !
A man that wears a waist bag for his fone got to be dodgy !!

I should have addressed the second paragraph onwards to Deni1963.

Floradora depending on the terms of the trust, property in trust can usually be sold as long as the proceeds are used to buy a similar valued property which is also in trust.
You cannot just throw him out but if you either have a legal separation or divorce proceedings it is unlikely that he would be entitled to stay indefinitely. Did you see a specialist divorce lawyer? It is a relatively short marriage, he has not contributed to the house, he seems to be employed and can therefore look after himself. You do have children although they are probably no longer legally dependents.
You obviously cannot leave things as they are. Have you explained to your children the practical difficulties? Is their wish to buy their own home rather than rent for a bit longer worth being unhappy and probably becoming ill for? I would stop visiting his parents. At the moment he has all the power emotionally so you need to disassociate from him.

Your daughter was full of hormones and very tired and made decisions when not 'herself'..........rejoice that you were able to be with her for so much of that journey. OK you did miss that first meeting...but there is so much more ahead of you!!!!

You are tired too and full of stress and worry and relief and exhaustion.......don't let that colour what will be a wonderful future. You are disappointed, I think we all would be, but hospitals routines etc........people just have to fit in with what the staff have time for.

I am sure none of this was intentionally done just a blip in an otherwise very happy time, with plenty more happy times ahead.

Get some good rest and cosset yourself a bit, you have been through an ordeal.

Your feelings are totally understandable. Feel them, then absorb them. You have been a perfect mother, supporting your daughter through many challenges. At this very special time for both of you, take care that your hurt doesn't show. You have so much to look forward to. Enjoy.

Advice needed please Gransnetters. Imagine this scenario.
Daughter born with life-threatening bowel condition requiring lots of surgery and a colostomy in first year. Spent half a year in hospital. Ok then till she reached 19 and was incorrectly diagnosed with cancer but had been made infertile by the surgery at that time. Promised IVF at 19 and didn't get it till she was 39. After 4 failed attempts had a beautiful baby girl by caesarian at 33 weeks because she developed kidney failure and had nephrostomies in both kidneys during the op and was in intensive care straight after, as was her precious baby. I was in theatre with her and stayed in the intensive care unit with my daughter overnight s they had perforated her bowel and bladder during the caesarian and they did an ileostomy. I briefly visited ICU to get some pics of baby for my daughter and to hold her little hand to let her know she was very much loved. I was the only person allowed in as birth partner. Docs visited my daughter next day and said they wanted her to be taken to see her baby later that day, after tea. I told the nurse looking after her that I would return in time to see my daughter holding her baby for the first time - something she, and I, had waited 20 years to do. It was a terrible journey and I was the one that supported her totally along the way, encouraging her, doing all the letter writing and dealing with all her upset and anger prior to baby arriving.
I went home to get my first hot meal in 7 weeks as I had been at the hospital with my daughter every day. Later on, she rang me from the hospital to say I had to get there now (just after 4pm) as they were taking her to see baby earlier than had been suggested. I couldn't get there in time as it was a 30 minute car journey. I later find out that she had gone to see her baby for the first time with her best friend and her stepmother and a video was taken showing this. These arrangements had been made at 2.40 in the afternoon and if she had told me then, I could have goyt there in time. I was totally devastated that she could do this to me, especially as the ICU staff made it clear that only the birth partner would be allowed in because there were some very sick babies in the unit. They broke their own rules. My daughter's baby was not as sick as the others and was being monitored only because of her low birth weight and arriving 7 weeks early.

I can't tell you how upset I still feel, as if she has well and truly slapped me in the face after all those years of unstinting support I gave her when nobody else was interested in what she was going through until they realised at 12 weeks she had a viable pregnancy, and from then on it was a social media circus.

Am I being unreasonable?

Being nice occasionally is part of the control mechanism. It gives you a straw to grasp onto but it doesn't last.

Money and all other problems can be dealt with. The important thing is escape. I won't pretend it will be easy but it's so worth it. When I escaped I was terrified. I'd never lived alone. I left the family home with nothing and moved into an empty house but tbh it was better to sleep on a mattress on the floor than to be with him. I also had all the marital debt (over £30K) because it was all in my name.....a very clever piece of financial abuse on his part.

It will not get better. He will not change. His demands and how you react to them will get more and more extreme. You don't want to be putting names on bananas like I did.

If he was physically battering you and leaving bruises then everyone you know would be telling you get out of the marriage. He's mentally battering you. There are no obvious mark but the damage is just as great.

The relationship with my first husband took me a long time to work out, but then I was only 18 when we married, and 20 when we had DS1.

He was a complete control freak, didn't realise it for ages, just accepted that that was how things were .

Roll forward many, many years, I had a responsible, fairly well paid job, but was allowed a certain amount of money each day, which he doled out in cash, for staff lunch etc, told that because I work in an office, my "work" didn't really count (although the money was going into the joint account )

I could go on, but won't.

You are 53, you are still young, stop putting up with this life when you can have ( and deserve) better.

Sending you every positive wish.

PS If you are on the wrong bus, and planning on getting off, you don't have to get on to the next one that comes along.

Sometimes it can be quite good to wait at the bus stop with your umbrella up and just watch what goes by

Yes I know. I tell myself daily and then he is being lovely and thoughtful. Most of the comments are when he is drinking, but he is always self centered - I will seek counselling

DENII think if you read your own postings again you will see how desperately sad your situation is but it is not without hope. The house is in Trust you say. It's my understanding it could not be sold unless the Trustees agreed to this. Personally I'd rather live in a 1 bed apartment with piece of mind than in a mansion with a man who treats me as horridly as yours appears to treat you. You say you cannot leave because of your adult daughter and her family are living with you. While it's all very noble of you to have them there the bottom line is they are adults and as such need to stand on their own 2 feet. I'm assuming this daughter is one of the children who will eventually get the house. As the house was an inheritance I'm assuming there is no mortgage on it. You need to see your GP to get referred for counseling but I rather suspect the counselor will be asking questions of you such as why are you continuing to live with a man you no longer loves and who no longer respects you. You also need to see a solicitor asap. Most offer an initial appointment very cheaply. If there is domestic violence and emotional abuse is still domestic violence then your local women's aid is also a great place to seek help. In a nutshell you really need to take steps to change the current situation.

Don't let money, belongings or more importantly the thought that you won't get another relationship stop you from leaving this abusive relationship I too know what mental abuse is like while all the world see a smiling charmer and believe you me a fresh start with NOTHING is majorly preferable
You don't need a relationship to find happiness and I d be very cautious for a bit after two? Marriages
Vampire queen is right get out and away this man will destroy you as he seems to be destroying himself Do you want to stay with an abusive manipulator You say you can't procreate thank God for that, you say he will hate you having a small denture so that's 'real' love ? He's having other relationships can you really accept that so that it's simply a throw away remark st the end of your text ?
Read your posts over as if it s someone else and what would you advise them ?

My ex was like your husband. No one could understand why I left such a lovely man. Except he wasn't a lovely man. He was a monster. He chipped away at my self esteem until I was lost. Like you say it's hard to put your finger on what these men do or say but it works. Then suddenly they become nice and that offers you the straw to grasp onto. The fact that everyone else likes them also makes you doubt yourself. Surely if he's so nice the fault must lie with you. All abuse is wrong but mental abuse is so insidious. I used to wish my ex would hit me because then I would be able to justify leaving him. I would have bruises...physical evidence. Mental abuse is just as bruising but there are no marks to show anyone.

The house may not form part of the marriage estate but his property and business do. You may well be able to claim some of that. After all you played a part in building the business.

Please don't let money be your main concern in this issue. Your mental well being is more important. You cannot continue to live like this or you will find yourself in the position I was in.....leave or suicide.

Abuse is all about power. He's used his power to chip away at you and, even though now you've had enough, he's still in power because he's living in your home and you can't make him move. Take action. Take away his power and like me you'll see the abuser for what he is. A weak man who can makes himself feel good by controlling and destroying someone who loves/loved him.

The house was an inheritance - and was placed in a trust with my husband having life time right to occupancy and on his death to go to the children.
Yes he knew but disagreed. He has a house of his own rented out and his parents are wealthy. I knew he would be fine. I also know he has had other relationships with other women while with me so I don't trust him. He also isn't fond of my children and I didn't want to risk him not passing the house on to them.

If you want the marriage to end, seek professional advice but before you go, write down all the relevant questions you need answers to, including the trust, then come home and digest them. There is always a way, why even think of another partner, sort this mess out firsti. You need to live now. Good luck. Why did you put the house in a trust, if you had died and the marriage was happy, wouldn't he have been homeless? Did you do it because it never felt right? Was he consulted about your decision?

If your house is in trust for the children how can you sell ?

Thank you all for responding - I've looked into it legally and being married I can't just throw him out. He has rights. Secondly in order to be financially okay I'd have to sell and move to a smaller property which I can't do while kids here - sometimes I wish there was a fly on the wall so people could see what he is like. He is very charming and considerate with everyone else even my family - ( my kids can't stand him) and friends. And some days he is so nice and considerate I think I am living with two characters. I feel when I met him I had my own inner light after coming out of a 20 year relationship - I was sexually experienced and I think initially he liked that. But it's been one struggle after another to the point his shine has taken from me - it's so hard to explain. I can't even classify as abusive as he is too clever - I've grown hard and cold. I once loved this man so very much - but I struggle to remember why.