In need of advice

My mum gave me this advice which has been the best advice I have ever been given - "If you allow someone to treat you badly they will' Now this is easier said than done, but it's true. Don't let it happen - be strong! Tell him what he is doing is unacceptable and you won't tolerate it any longer. Insist on seeing what is in the shed (could be something very illegal!) Ask him where he goes when he is away and stop cleaning/cooking etc for him - leave his dirty wash outside his precious shed with a selection of takeaway menus - and stick with it!

Yes, it definitely sounds as if you need some counseling, Deni, You sound depressed, and getting help with that is probably the first thing you need to do.

Your partner may be critical of this and try to stop you. So perhaps you shouldn't tell him what you're doing right away or just do it despite his criticisms.

Deni, I know exactly how you feel. You're so tired and run down that you don't have the energy to escape. I used to cry myself to sleep every night because I could see no way out and thought that was my life for the next 40 years. I finally cracked and went to the GP. He put me on antidepressants and sorted out some counselling. That gave me the strength to escape. I can't pretend it was easy but, believe me, it was so worth it. I can't begin to describe the feeling of freedom I had and still have. It's like a massive weight lifted off my shoulders and my life started from that day.

Thank you Starlady - I appreciate your thoughts. Yes he is very resentful. In fact I think he just about resents anything I do. Perhaps because he hasn't really made his millions, wasted years chasing music, failed relationships , no children.
Sometimes he is lovely, and I remember what it was that I loved about him.
I am in a very dark lonely place. Cry lot which isn't like me, feel used, by him and the kids, and just want to runaway.
In the same breath I don't have the energy to make a decisive decision and live with it.

Maybe he's secretive about his business BECAUSE you have the house in trust for your children and have your dd and family living there to boot. Maybe he feels sort of, "If this isn't my house, too, then my business isn't yours either." I don't blame you for wanting to leave your home to your kids. That's what I'm doing, too. But you admit he resents it and that may explain (not excuse) some of his behavior.

Or this just may be who he is when he's not drinking. One of the hard things about being involved with any kind of addict, imo, is that they sometimes relapse, as your partner has done. Another hard thing is that their sober personality isn't always that great. Some alcoholics, etc. are so much nicer when they're sober. In other cases, their negative personality traits first come out when they're sober. That's another thing that may have happened to your partner.

Idk the legalities of selling your home or getting him to move out, under these circumstances. But it sounds as if other posters have given you some good advice. Hope some of it works for you. Have you made any decisions?

How are you Deni?

Am I the only one who suspects this man's business is something illegal? Locked doors and mobile never out of his sight? He is a bully and the situation will never change. Kind people on here have shared personal details of their lives to emphasise how imperative it is to get legal advice and start the separation process.

Well done Deni1963 that is the first step....take it step by step...move slowly closer to a better life....You can do it...

It's important you don't feel alone at this time. Keep talking to us even if it's just to rant and rave. Believe me venting will help.

You've all been so incredibly kind - I have tears - people I don't know - thank.you - I'm going to get some legal advice - and will contact Al - non, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the support and responses.

Just imagine next Christmas. I was scared of my first Christmas but it was wonderful. No drunken man. No nastiness. No sulking. No sport on TV. It was heaven. Think of what a Christmas present that would be to yourself.

It is frightening to make the escape but once you've done it you find that freedom is amazing.

Unlock the "office" by whatever means necessary and remove the contents. Put his belongings in black bags - call him a cab. Have the denture - do it now! Stop doing what HE wants. It's your house - if he doesn't like the conditions he can leave. He's a loser and you will be too unless you divest yourself of him now . . . don't carry on and regret it when you are too old to do anything about it.

What Ilovecheese says.

Google "The Freedom Programme".
Hope it helps.
x

Deni1963 - I wonder if you would be able to obtain an occupation order? I think you really need to take legal advice, but have a look at this link

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-occupation

You are suffering domestic abuse - it doesn't have to be physical to be abuse.

I'm going to be harsh here. Look in the mirror and ask yourself "what the hell am I doing" my mother In law did it and then divorced him and never looked back. Your a long time dead don't waste it

Deni,..you know deep down in your own mind that what's been going on is WRONG. an abuser has no control once he is exposed, so expose him. you owe it to yourself to be rid of this monster/control freak/jeckyll & hyde character. DO IT, get rid of him, see a solicitor without delay and set yourself free.
We are all behind you.

I was in a similar relationship, though not married, thank goodness. I realised I was being treated badly, because I allowed it to happen. once I saw the light of day I changed the locks and got rid of him. I suggest you do the same. Best thing I ever did. Good luck.

Hello Deni, you have had over 20 replies to your post. No one has said "keep on doing what you are doing". Because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
This man will not change until he hits bottom and makes a huge turnaround. So you have to be the one to make the changes for a better life for YOU. You deserve better.
Follow the advice you have received. Go to your doctor, try CAB, or bite the bullet and get an appointment with a solicitor. Let your daughter know what you are considering. And do it sooner than later, you have a life to live, and it doesn't have to be making an abuser happy. (Ps he's not even happy, and won't be until he gets sober and healthy - not your responsibility). Good Luck.

Several people have mentioned Citizens Advice. In some areas they only help people on very low incomes so you are probably not eligible for their help. A lot of solicitors are not helpful in situations of abuse. Woman's Aid should hopefully be able to give you details of a local solicitor experienced in this.
Regarding your house, as he also has a house, this will be part of the marital assets. you can start divorce proceedings while he is still living in your house, a 50/50 asset split would mean you keep your house and he keeps his. He would have to leave when the divorce is finalised. You would of course need legal advice re the Trust.
Have you discussed this with your daughter. If she knows you are considering divorce but her and her family being with you are hindering this, she may be happy to look for somewhere else to live, as you said she does not like your DH.

I left a controlling abusive man when I as 60. I'd been married a lot longer then you. I've never been happier now I'm divorced and can do as I please. There's a lot of life out there for you to enjoy- without this man! Get good legal advice but LEAVE for your own sanity . It was only after I finally left that I realised just how bad my life was before. Good luck and let us know what happens. There is a lot of support on here

Please, please, please contact Al-Anon. So much good advice here. You sound desperate so please don't delay. 53 is young, don't waste anymore time!

You don't need to prove adultery or anything else in the UK. Just live apart for two years and say the marriage has irretrievably broken down. It's much more simple thank goodness.

He will not get better, Deni. He will simply drag you further and further down until you can't stand it anymore and find, like me, that your options are escape or suicide. Please don't wait that long.

Get help for yourself too. Google Al-Anon U.K. I have though put the link too it at the bottom of my post.

It is a fellowship of support for someone who has a person in there life who has a drink problem. It supports the families of as your around like minded people. It affects everyone.

I attend Al-Anon. Whilst the ex is 17 years out of my life his behaviour still has an affect on my mental health. That is called the aftermath plus through my daughter still has contact out of my 4 with him. Whilst he is abroad the chaos of his life can still impact through her.

It's worth you looking it up. Get the legal help too as that is what you can practical too. Al anon will help you with the emotional side

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

I don't know what the laws are in UK, but here in the US, infidelity is prime justification for divorce.

If you can obtain proof (hire a private detective) that he's slept with other women whilst married to you, even the most mediocre solicitor should have no trouble a. getting him evicted and b. Letting you keep most of his assets and yours.

If my hunch is correct, the UK laws may actually work the same as they do in the US. Marriage is a legal contract with explicit and implied conditions. Divorce laws in the US pretty much work along that premise. A contract is binding as long as both parties abide by the conditions of the contract. If one of the parties breaks the rules, he/she can be sued by the other party for breach of contract and for damages.

Prove that he's unfaithful and you don't even have to add all the emotional/mental abuse, except perhaps for good measure.

Throw him out of your life...he's earned it.