Unwanted on Voyage.

Why on earth didn't your daughter say something to you? My sister did something similar when my parents were alive. She was single and always spent Christmas with them, but in her late 40s she met her husband, and quite reasonably wanted to spend Christmas with him. She didn't think to mention it to me, just told them, very abruptly that she wouldn't be coming. They tried to be sensible and brave about it, but were upset. The moment they mentioned it to me, I invited them to stay, I was very happy to have them because they rarely spent Christmas day with me, although we always spent Boxing day together.

My sister knew I would be delighted to have them, so why she handled the situation is such an unhelpful and upsetting way I will never know.

We're the same about Christmas; I spent last winter assuming we would be going to DD's for Christmas, but my son kept saying we could go to his instead; turned out he'd realised we weren't invited and didn't want us to have nowhere to go. We've thought about going away this year but we have an old family friend who has started to visit us the day after Boxing Day and we don't want to disappoint her, especially as it means someone enjoys our company!!

palliser65 Thank you for your advice. I am very new to GN.

Hi Melanie, firstly I understand exactly how you feel. I find this 'by invitation only' kind of relationships very difficult as when my children were young, we were always pleased to get a visitor, anytime of day or evening. Obviously, as someone has said, we didn't have social media or phones like they do today. But I think society is becoming so insular, people shutting themselves away in their homes with their 'own' little family. We always had either my mum, my mother in law or sometimes both round for Sunday dinner at least twice a month. My then husbands extended family all met up at Grandma Edie's on a Saturday and high days and holidays were usually spent together. Now I actually dread Xmas because there is always this 'will we be invited or not this year'? When will we be 'allowed' to visit the grandkids and so on. My two daughters and their families are welcome here any time of the night or day, but my youngest has to give her permission before you dare to visit. The eldest one is more welcoming, although I do try and give warning beforehand in case she is busy. I suppose we just have to get used to the fact that society has changed and folk like to live in their own little bubble more.

One thing I will say though, is that I have found some of the comments to the OP quite harsh and even quite insulting. Who are we to tell someone they don't have the right to be upset?

And yes, it is lovely when your kids have such good relationships with each other, but it can sometimes be hurtful if we think we are being excluded in some way.

PS It is possible to report any responses anyone finds offensive. I have reported some extremely bitter, intolerant and highly judgemental comments. No one can possibly make judgements without full story. Thin just being a listening ear and giving reassurance is enough.

Youngest daughter obviously wanted a confidential chat. Who knows what about. I know you are mum but they are young women with who knows what problems. I have 3 daughters and I'm not included in everything. I know what you mean about being upset though. You obviously valued being with them all. I wouldn't 'dig' anything out to be honest. How about just asking the younger if 'sorry if i seem prying but are you OK as felt she wanted quiet chat with Mary'. Could be finanacial, marital and don't want you worrying.

To be honest Melanie as soon as I felt an 'atmosphere' I'd have said "Oh well we just popped in to say goodbye to ---- we'll be off now" and left it at that. I would not have wanted to find out what had been the problem. As has already been said "Least said soonest mended" ( btw my darling mum's favourite saying).

I have always had open house for friends and family and most of my friends are the same. Visitors have to accept me as they find me but many is the time I have "stretched a meal" to include extra people. I love having people round . In OP situation I would have wanted to say goodbye to my grandson too but maybe would not have stayed long. I often pop in on DD, if passing , but if she has visitors I only stay a few minutes.

Do not worry about it. It will blow over. I don't just drop in on my sons I always ring them first.
However, time heals and things will be back to normal for you.

I love both my DD's and their families, (1 lives 20 mins away & the other 2 hours). I want to be with them all the time I can, but they don't want to be with me all the time, I think that's perfectly normal (started when they were teenagers). We often all get together at DH & my home, but they both & their families also meet without me and DH. I'm happy they are so friendly and have each other. Recommend always ringing before popping round. This is how life is- we just have to get over it.

Try and turn it round and think what a lovely thing it is they all get on together, so many don't. Do they talk about mum and dad between themselves, I am sure they do - we did. It seems she actually worked out the day pretty well because she didn't want to upset anybody and made sure she saw you all, o'h dear. Honestly don't take it to heart,

We always text before going to DD's (2 minutes drive) but she pops in anytime. And that's fine. Every family is different. I don't think any hurt was meant OP, maybe one of your daughters has a problem she didn't want to worry you with. Please put it behind you and have lovely times with them again, collectively or individually. And be grateful they're so close, you had a hand in that!

Misunderstandings and miscommunication all around, Melanie, that's all. Might have been avoided with a phone call to eldest daughter though.

As you say, now you know.

Eglantine I have to stop myself asking questions. They are all lovely and don't make me feel bad but their conversation flows and I don't like to keep interrupting to ask what is this or that, especially since my hearing isn't brilliant. Unlike my mother I don't feel the need to be the centre of everyone's attention at least. Incidentally even my grandchildren are more excited to see their cousins than to see their grandma and that seems normal to me too.

Nellie, your bit about your mum needing everything explained to her made me laugh. I fear I have turned into someone similar! My two children have a mutual hobby and I know they have to make great efforts not to talk endlessly about it when I am there. It's like a foreign language when they get going!

One of the joys of my life is that my grown up kids get on well together. As long as I get my regular chances to see my grandchildren I am delighted if the middle generation have visits without me there. I think back to when I was their ages and how nice it was to have get togethers without mother trying to make sense of our conversations and getting peeved if every last thing wasn't explained to her.

It seems these days that "open house" is"nt the norm like it used to be years ago when many people were glad to have an unexpected visitor and a welcome cup of tea. Everything has to be arranged in advance...a sign of the times now. Don"t take it heart Melanie be glad your daughter's get on well with each other and be happy for them.

Melanie - first of all this was NOT a family gathering of significance to which you should have been invited. Your daughter chose to spend quality time with each of the important people in her life - you (mum), then one sister, and then another sister. This is absolutely clear that she had planned some special time with each one - essentially you gatecrashed her arrangements. My daughter lives just 6 mins walk away from me and we see each other at least every other day - we are very close emotionally. However, I wouldn't dream of dropping round without first establishing that it was convenient - I respect the fact that she has a life of her own and often has friends and the mothers of my grandchildrens' friends who may be playing there. Their conversation is precisely that - theirs, and it's obvious that this is what your two daughters wanted - their own private conversation. I think you are being overly sensitive - you were first on your daughter's list so be grateful and more understanding.

Hi Melanie. I'm sorry you are hurting but if you don't want the responses you've got here don't post. There are not many who don't think you got it wrong. It really does seem all about you and your feelings. You are NOT then only person involved in all this. What did your husband say when you told him you were upset? You are very lucky to have such a loving extended family. You are lucky to be included at all. Enjoy them and shut up or risk alienating everyone with your unreasonable gripe. Harsh? Yes. Your husband should have told you. Doesn't mean anyone loves you less. X

Storm in a tea cup, please don't over think it and upset yourself. My dad was a 'turner up' and sometimes it was inconvenient.........I would give the world if he was still here and could turn up today.but there were times he stressed me out with his visits.

Doesn't mean they don't love you just the same .......just wasn't the right moment for them.

Love this site - so reassuring that many of us feel the same about family situations. I feel strange when my children meet up and only tell me afterwards but then feel glad they all get on so well

May I suggest that you may not have all the facts. Maybe one of the sisters has a problem she wishes to discuss with the other?

What is going on may not be about you but something else entirely. Children never tell their parents everything.

Try not to dwell on it. x

Sympathy Melanie you wouldn't think that Mum and Dad had to make an appointment would you?

We're all different and have different relationships with our children. Our DD lives about a 15 minute drive away from us but if we want to go over, we always text or ring first to make sure it's OK. They have busy lives. They do however come here unannounced, which is fine too.

Oh, isn't hindsight wonderful, melanie? I often think if I could live my life backwards there are some moments that would be different. I am sure it all felt very difficult but maybe it wasn't really a significant family gathering? Don't give yourself such a hard time.

It was a muddle and is best left alone now. It seems you believed your husband had checked it was ok to visit the adventurer, maybe it was with him but it seems it was a surprise to his Mum. We all can react 'oddly' when surprised. In our case one daughter in law is happy for anyone to drop in no matter who else is there, the other likes to be asked first, especially if 'her' family is there.

I suspect the more you think about this the bigger it will get. Put it behind you and don't dwell on it. You were able to say goodbye to the adventurer, time for you to let this go now. Why not invite them all to your home for a short visit and re-establish a relaxed atmosphere but don't mention your upset. Sometimes least said soonest mended.