How do you explain to 4 and 8 year olds?

Hi,

I recently wrote asking for help when two of my GC became so unruly I couldn't cope (their parents are divorced) Got great responses and after making changes in our lives I think we have turned a corner.

Part of the problem was the children's father who (although he doesn't see it that way), is a bully and control freak with no respect for anyone or anything including the law. He made all the decisions in their marriage (even down to furnishings, DD wasn't allowed to choose anything). I would add he didn't show any bullying or abuse to the children as such - it was always directed to their mother and I think the children started to disrespect their mother too (and eventually me also).

After he had walked out - once again - and not returned for a week, My D found the strength to say enough! He didn't think she was serious and by the time he realised she was serious he swore she would never get a penny from him! This he has managed to keep to by lying and squirrelling away money (but that's another story)

Despite it all neither of us wanted to stop the children from seeing their father (to them he was a kind of knight in shining armour, plenty of money to spend on toys and sweets, no rules about bedtime or lectures about teeth cleaning etc etc)

He continued to try to play mind games and control My D by making arrangements to pick up the children and then keeping her waiting for hours or just not turning up, turning up on the wrong day, refusing to bring the children back at a reasonable hour, bringing them home late and not having had their tea, phoning at odd hours to say their clothes weren't clean, or could she buy them some decent clothes, insisting she takes the elder one out of school for a holiday then when she refused telling the elder child her mother was preventing her having the holiday of a lifetime- all these sort of things sound trivial to someone who hasn't been on the end of a controlling person but it was all designed to let her know HE was still in charge.

Eventually, my daughter had a kind of breakdown (she has never been the most confident of people and he knocked it all out of her bit by bit) and I was trying to help get things back on track so I said I would act as mediator and she wouldn't have to deal with him - so him and I arranged times and dates of picking up EXCEPT he started to mess me about also. I asked him to be on time (as I work shift hours also) He would be 2 hours late! I even offered to take them to him! He was so verbally rude to me whenever he didn't get his own way... I couldn't cope either.

I didn't know what to do when he texted me and said he wasn't going to deal with our family any more - inserting a few expletives and accusations about us not wanting him to see his children! He has decided himself he doesn't want to see them until they are old enough to go visit without any of our family. In one way I was kind of relieved as I do feel he is a very bad role model (swears constantly, has dodgy mates, hates institutions like school and police, thinks rules are stupid, and is moody and rude if he doesn't get his own way)

I have the children staying quite often and they keep asking WHEN they are going to see daddy again........

Does anyone have any experience of how to explain to young children in a way that doesn't upset them more or make it sound like daddy has stopped loving them or that we are stopping him from seeing them?

Sorry - if its long - AGAIN