Eventually it feels and sounds like nagging

I sympathise with several of you. I've had a non communicative OH for 30 of the last 50 years. Diagnosed with VD 4 years ago it's not going to improve . I now tell him the problem then get on and deal with it in my own way!

I have enjoyed reading all the different answers. All are true and interesting. Funnily enough I've just listened to a TED talk which said most of the situations we worry about today will seem insignificant in 3 months time. So mention once and then get on with it is probably a good guideline.
Life changing issues have to be dealt with differently and talking to a close and empathetic friend is a good start.
Thank you wise GNs!

People who refuse to talk and fly off the handle are manipulative and selfish. They want to bully you into getting their own way. That is not an equal partnership/marriage in my view. I lived through 23 years of it with my first husband. My second model was so different and loved to sit down and discuss problems just because he loved me and we wanted to be happy.

I have the opposite problem, although in practice it amounts to much the same. My OH is a strong believer in "plain speaking" which, I have found (in his case, anyway) is frequently a euphemism for plain rudeness. So, he airs his views regardless, and expects to be attended to, but refuses to even listen to any opposing view or request that he disagrees with. He has got worse as he has got older. It can be very upsetting, and sometimes I just have to leave the room to calm down!

You ask how you can resolve your worries if DH want talk about them?

Finding someone else to talk to often helps us to see things in a different perspective.

Admittedly that won't make your DH change his mind.

If the subject you need to discuss is important enough and the other one really won't discuss it, I would try something along these lines:

I am afraid we have a problem with such-and-such. As far as I can see we can do A or B about it. What do you think?

If that approach does not work, then I am afraid you and all the rest of us in similar situations will either have to grin and bear it, if the problem is reasonably insignificant, or go it alone and solve the more serious problems

That kind of response sounds very familiar! I've put it down to a combination of not accepting the ageing process gracefully and also being in constant pain from really aching knees. He has just recovered from his second knee replacement surgery which has been very successful, and I must say his mood and his willingness to communicate in a more pleasant way has definitely improved because he says it feels such a relief to be pain free.

My sisters husband is depressed and when she would like to discuss anything with him he walks out the room. She asks him his opinion and if he walks out and refuses to discuss she just makes the decision alone.

Yes knspol ...I agree, reading the posts I often find problems I have and the advice given is helpful !

In my case, although my OH now has Parkinsons and vascular dementia (both not too bad yet !) he has always been the same for lack of communication ....which drives me mad ! Now, however, whether to do with these illnesses or not, he refuses to discuss ANYTHING ...even a simple 'what would you like for dinner' ...and after I have spent hours cooking it, he does not eat it ! My doc says ..ok, simply fill your freezer with ready cooked meals and if he doesn't eat anything, then don't cook ! easier said than done of course ! He has never been one for communication, and if I have tried to say 'can we talk about ....whatever' his answer is 'I am not listening to you ..you have nothing interesting to say'.....nice ! Last week was my 70th birthday ....no greeting, no card, obviously no present ....sad, and I was sad, but there you are ...that is him ! Another thing I have had to take over is all the responsibility for money in and out ...he asks to spend on something, I have to say no, we cannot afford it (it is usually something large and expensive) ...then he gets into a rage and accuses me of spending all the money ....I produce and print a list every month of every single thing we have to pay (bills, taxes, insurance etc etc, car expenses, petrol, food ...its all on there) I give him the list so he can see where the money is going ...'Don't want to look at that' he says ....but the worst thing is the aggression ...in fact, it is really LOVELY when he refuses to speak to me sometimes for as long as two days ! I look forward to those 2 days !! Often just want to up and leave ,,,but nowhere to go no money to do so, and doubtless I would feel guilty and anyone else would label me as heartless and selfish (they don't know what its like living with him !) ....we have only been married for 16 years ....his daughter tells me he was the same with his late wife who died just before he retired on the very weeked (she tells me) she had arranged to leave him and move in with her other daughter ! I WISH i had known this ....hindsight is a wonderful thing !!!! Sorry about the ramble ! it is good to know i am not alone !!

knspol - I agree 100%. It's my lifeline ( living out in the wilds as we do.)

Just wanted to say that, although not solving any problems, I have found reading these daily posts and identifying with several of them have made me feel much less isolated. Realising that others have the same and much worse problems does put things into perspective. Than you gransnetters.

OK I won't underline anything - merely produce a new list with the outstanding items still there.
To be fair I do this for myself. Notepad to hand, when I see something which needs doing it goes on the list and is crossed off when it is done. When I run out of page, I relist the undone things on the next page. My memory ain't what it used to be.

Minniesmum Is making a list nagging I wonder?

It's only nagging if you revisit the list and underline the things which haven't been done!

If you did what the situation required at the time I wouldn't have to repeat myself.

Or, a nag is a request that has been ignored.

MawBroon
You never fail to make me laugh - especially the "no need to remind him every six months". I just read that out to DH and he laughed too. So very true.
He then came in and said "why don't you make a list of things for me to do"
So I have - it currently stands at 10 things all of which have needed doing for several years,.
Is making a list nagging I wonder?

I think that there are a lot of people who refuse to discuss things that they don't see as a problem, or a problem that is anything to do with them.
I know that trying to discuss my father's behaviour with him would just have meant dealing with his denial as well which would have made me feel worse.
Not every problem has a solution unfortunately and unless you can find a way to deal with it without causing him stress, it is hard to see what the answer is.

From personal experience I can't see the point of being with someone who you can't converse with on a deeper level when needs must. We are all different but to me, he is totally disrespecting your feelings in not wanting to resolve whatever it is that is upsetting to you. So you are never getting a conclusion, but having to live with an open wound, and he doesn't seem to care much ??

I don't think there's much you can do Silver until he decides to open up, it's just stressing you out when you try. I think we all want solutions, I know I do, but I think on reflection, at times I shouldn't have bothered. My late mil never let anything or anyone bother her, she just sailed on doing her own thing, you did yours, she was a one off though.

Why is it if you mention something more than once it's nagging but if you don't mention it you haven't reminded them ?

If someone really doesn't want to discuss an issue, then, imo, there's no point in continuing to try. One just needs to go ahead and do whatever one thinks one should do. Maybe then the reluctant talker will realized they should have been willing to talk. But if not, at least, one will have moved forward.

In your dh's case, silverlining, the depression has probably caused the change. Is he under a doctor's care? Then it might be a good idea to ask his doctor how best to approach him.

Bravo to you for teaching your children the value of communication and being "good listeners!"

Kittylester, you are right that my husband does suffer from a type of depression and discussion about almost anything has become limited recently. But I was really posting this as a general subject.
I have always been a firm believer in opening up a subject/worry/ concern and to both listen and talk about it. My children have learnt to do the same and are both good listeners and capable of sensitive and constructive discussion.
It is nearly always the first advice given on GN. However, sometimes it is very difficult and I wondered how one resolved ones worries with a partner who is reluctant to talk.......and when the subject is revisited how to not appear to be 'nagging'.
Paddyann, I would have said the same as you a year ago.

I dont nag ,my husband will tell you and anyone he meets that I have never nagged him ..about anything.My daughter however has nagged her dad since she learned to speak ...of course its not a trait she gets from me,even my mum in law admits its from her side of the family.Me I ask once or tell once ,its up to OH to either do it or not .The only person nagging stresses is the nagger ,so why do it ?

I've often found that discussing, negotiating, talking about a problem often throws up more problems than you originally started off with

It would drive me bonkers so you have my sympathy.

Does your DH have health issues that make him behave like this? Sorry if I've missed a post somewhere else. If it's out of character is he depressed?

Alas, silverlining I have reluctantly come to the conclusion that only the female of the species can be accused of "nagging", men just "persevere" or "remind"
Remember these wise words
"Just because a man has promised to do something, there is no need to remind him every six months "

Ah yes! - the fine line between nagging and communication. I think it simply depends which side of the initial communication you are. Sorry this is a challenge for you just now.