Forgiveness

PamelaJI - don't be hard on yourself simply because you shouted at your mother. She may indeed be 89 but just because people are old does not mean their nearest and dearest should always take their conduct without reacting. Some do become more cantankerous as they get older, but in many cases it seems that previous personalities are simply exacerbated. Old age does not automatically bestow a halo. ?

Live and let live, life's too short

Mom was the hardest person to forgive. Truly nasty and pretended she didn't have a daughter or knew me. I prayed for 10 years and still couldn't forgive her. One night I found a 1st grade school picture. I realized that I was a nice looking child. I spoke to that child as if I was my mom. I told her all the things I wished my mom had said-I was proud of myself and I was a hard worker and much more. It was the changing day of my life and the beginning of forgiveness. I hope this helps.

Serkeen, I spoke to my friend on the phone that evening and said I would come the next day but she died in the night.
No I haven't said anything to him. He seemed to be happy with his new lady and I didn't want to spoil it for him. And she was supportive to him so that is how he sees her and for him that is true.
I used to meet up with him for a meal now and again because he was a good friend to me in the past and his children and mine were friends too, but after a bit she told me to stay away. I've moved now and only think of what happened now and again.
She had been widowed the year before so I think she had her eye on him!

Eglantine21 ur post gave me goosbumps! did u get to speak to ur dear friend before she died and has anyone told the widower of what his new lady has done ?

No lucky u r not alone in being hard on urself I was terrible at that for many years but not so much any more because I realised that I was being unkind to myself and I realised that I would not treat a fiend in the way that I was treating myself so like I say not so much anymore

Forgiveness--I agree totally with what u said if someone is willing to say sorry, make amends that you can whole heartedly forgive but if they are not then much harder, but my take really on forgiveness is if you can not do it for the other person do it for yourself because holding on to hurt and not forgiving and forgetting hurts u just as much as it hurts the other person

I tend to forgive and forget. My outlook is "what's done is done". "No point in dwelling on it". "We are where we are". "You can't change the past". "Move on".

I am a believer in what goes around comes around.

I know exactly how you feel. Many of us say or do things (especially when we were young and daft but thought we were being clever) which afterwards we regret.
If I could go back in time and do all those things differently I would. However, there's no point in beating ourselves up about them all - we have to learn from our mistakes and move on, otherwise we'd drive ourselves insane. You're most definitely not alone in this.

Another step after forgiveness is reconciliation, and I think that's the hardest,. Takes effort on both sides.

I have cut people out of my life before and have learnt to let other things go over the years, as to hold on to angst damages you more than the object of your angst. Of course at times something will awaken the memory, but I am good now at putting it back in its box and nailing the lid back down ! I think we are all bad at forgiving ourselves and as you get older you start to analyse how your life has gone. I now say " don't ask why someone keeps hurting you, ask why you keep letting them".

Some stuff is unforgivable but you do have to find a way to live with that fact that doesn't eat away at you.

I just cut people out of my life if they keep on behaving badly and feel all the better for it. I don't want to be forgiving those who carry on in thoughtless of unkind ways they simply have to go.

I know there are some great wrongs that people say they manage to forgive, I think we are constricted by vocabulary and need a new word for that type of 'forgiveness'. It is not up to us to forgive major trangressions, karma sorts that ot or God if you are religious, we mere mortals just move on and in a spirit of self protection we come to terms with things.

That's unforgivable! How incredibly wicked!

I don't forgive the woman in our village who told me (so nicely and gently) that my dying friend had asked her to tell me not to visit because I upset her. And at the same time told my friend (nicely and gently) that I did not want to come and see her because it upset me too much.
We only found out the truth because my friend made a last phone call to me from the hospice, begging me to visit. She died that night.
I always knew this woman did not like me but I had no concept of the malice that lies in some people. She moved in with my friend's husband three months after my friend's death. He said she had been such a support to him.

I find that trying to understand why someone did something is a great step towards peace of mind. Forgiveness is not something I can do just like that. Also not sure that we should be in a position of judging someone else.

Paddy ann. Understand your reasons for holding on to your opinion of a man that could have destroyed your family.
We all have different views on forgiveness. I find betrayal by a person you put your trust and heart and sole into the worst. I am not saying I wouldn't accept an apology, be civil, but for me there could never be a relationship again. I value loyalty and trust and friendship so much, it would be destroyed by betrayal, I would move on.

there was a thread about forgiveness on here not long ago.Some of you might remember I said there was one person I could never forgive,he burned our business down ,threatened to do the same to our home and made awful threatening phonecalls for months usually in the middle of the night.Although he was caught he got off with it.My then 7 year old daughter was a nervous wreck ,not because she knew any of the details ,we kept it all well away from her...or so we thought.She picked up on our stress ,our sleepless nights etc and it was only seeing her wee face in her brownies photo that we realised how much she had been affected,she was thin and nervous looking.Well ,I didn't set eys on him for over 30 years until the spring when I saw him at a book launch ...I left .He died last month.I didn't feel sad,or happy but I still didn't forgive him.It did make me angry that so many people posted on FB what a wonderful human being he always was,how helpful ,how kind,how he would never hurt anyone .Shame they didn't know the man we knew him as .Normally I have no problem forgiving ,but this man threatened my family and thats something I cant let go of

You aren't alone Luckylegs9.......With regard to people who upset me, I just have a room 101 in my head.....look out if you get out in there as thats it!!....Once there they mean nothing to me!!
The past is history, the future a mystery and today is a gift.....that's why it is called the present. I have brought my children up with this saying, and always say that we all make mistakes and as long as you learn from them, they were worth it. Live for today and the things you can do, in the words of Henry Fraser - "Everyday is a good day" ... Read his blog, I am beyond admiration for this young man. I have been the worst example of worrying about the past and future, but now shove those worries to one side when they come into my head, and focus on the here and now. Indeed I think of Henry and that soon brings me back to reality....Don't be too hard on yourself...we all make mistakes...it is life...

I'll let someone hurt me once, and I'll forgive. I might even forgive a second, third or fourth time. But once I've decided "that's it", they will never get close enough to me to do it again. And the silly thing is, that the straw that breaks my camel's back, is usually the least significant thing, maybe even a trivial thing; but there is no going back for me. I cut them out and never look back. I have no regrets about those that I've cut out.

I'm a CO and move on person.

Positive thoughts for your daughter and her loved ones silverlining.

Thanks for the link TriciaF, I'll send for the book. You say you can forgive if someone apologises but what if they don't, if their view of the issue is a mile away from your own memory? Imperfect's post is what I aim to achieve. I rarely hold grudges because its so diminishing to the holder and doesn't change the person we may feel offended or hurt by. I see forgiveness as separate from grudge holding but am I correct to do this?
A friend who has a strong Catholic faith told me that she leaves it "at the foot of the cross" when she is struggling to forgive. That is, she leaves it to her faith, in the belief that a higher being is the only one who can truly forgive. That introduced another point of view to my struggles with forgiveness and I'm never sure if its the protestant work ethic that has me continuing to believe its my own responsibility and that passing it on to a higher being (or whatever) is a cop out.

I don't know the story of your daughter silver but wish her a speedy recovery.?

I'm glad this latest op is over with, silver. X

After a 6 hour operation i have just heard that my daughter is in recovery. She still has a fifth operation to endure whIch we hope will be her last. It has been a long year of continuous and ongoing treatment.
We soldier on.

and ps I've found a helpful idea from my religion.
Sorry to sound 'preachy'.
Like Silverlining, if you try to give the person who hurt you the benefit of the doubt, judge favourably, find excuses for them in fact, the pain can be healed quicker.
I know, sometimes there are no excuses.