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Rejected daughter and grandson

(17 Posts)
Angharad56 Tue 10-Oct-17 18:32:19

My DD gave birth to my first grandchild 3 weeks ago. He is beautiful and she is besotted with him. During the last couple of months of her pregnancy her partner became increasingly distant, cold and at times, emotionally cruel. He has not been involved in helping her with the baby and spends very little time at home. On Saturday nights he goes to see his friends 30 miles away and returns on Sunday afternoon;this is neither negotiated or discussed. I am certain he is having another relationship, as is my daughter, but he becomes angry when she suggests it and denies it, calling her a paranoid neurotic woman.He has morphed into a cold calculating monster who can't take any responsibility for anything and seeks to blame everyone else.
She has been staying with us for the past 10 days, having left home with the baby and a suitcase. At the weekend she is planning to go home (200 miles away) to get back to her life. He is saying he will go and stay with his mother.
I'm heartbroken and angry that such a precious time has been such a nightmare for her. Sorry to offload on here; I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience?

Serkeen Tue 10-Oct-17 18:44:17

No haven't thank goodness, it is as you say so sad because it should be such a happy time sad

All you can do is be there for her, I know this might be a bit much right now but things do happen for a reason, this s my belief. I do not think she should spend the rest of her life with this horrid excuse for a human being.

I am so sorry for both of you and that poor baby that should and deserves a caring Father not an idiot.

Things will get better I know it is hard for you to see that right now but she will move on with her life and hopefully have better luck next time around

Best wishes from me x x

Christinefrance Tue 10-Oct-17 19:07:36

Some men just can't cope with the realities of fatherhood. I'm so sorry for your daughter and baby its a difficult time without all this happening. With your support I'm sure they will move on to better things.

lemongrove Tue 10-Oct-17 22:14:36

It sounds as if it is better for it to be over now, if he is so unpleasant.Your DD can concentrate on looking after her baby.Far better that she is on her own than with a useless and uncaring man.Am sure you are doing all you can to help, and enjoy your new grandson.🍀

Luckygirl Tue 10-Oct-17 22:20:07

What a terrible worry for you - but thank goodness she has you around to support her. I hope that some of the joy of a new GC will come your way soon; and that your DD will be able to make a new life for herself.

Peep Wed 11-Oct-17 00:13:37

Although uncommon some men have postnatal depression. A colleague's husband acted very similarly to this.

Starlady Wed 11-Oct-17 01:58:57

First, congratulations on the new grandbaby!

But what a heartbreak for dd's partner to turn on her and baby this way. Though I haven't experienced this, personally, a cousin's dd went through this when she had her first child. He turned out to be one of those men that Christinefrance mentions, who "can't cope with the realities of fatherhood." All was fine till the baby was actually here. Then he panicked and left. Your dd's partner may be the same way. I'm so sorry.

But TG, she and baby have you. Please just give them all the love and support you can.

Eventually, my cousin's dd found a wonderful man who married her and became a loving stepfather to her child. She went on to have 2 more children with him. I hope the same will happen for your dd.

Imperfect27 Wed 11-Oct-17 16:33:03

A family member experienced similar to your DD, though her H took 5 months to leave. Yes, some men just cannot do the responsibility of parenthood. She was also left bereft with brand new baby and had to build a new life. Fast forward 3 years. The baby is now a little toddler and a delight to all the family. Family member has made a new life and found new ways to be happy. Your DD will come through this. She has you and you both have your beautiful new GC who will be a source of so very much joy to you both. It sound slike you are a wonderfully supportive and caring mum / grandmother. Tell your DD she can make a happy life. xxx

Smithy Wed 11-Oct-17 17:04:23

Firstly, congratulations on your new grandbaby.
My heart goes out to your daughter, because my ex couldn't cope with fatherhood either, which resulted in him having affairs, the first when his daughter was only 4 months old. This happened many times over the years and though I tried really hard to save my marriage I ended up leaving him when my daughter was 8. I have never regretted that decision. Apparently my ex told my daughter in recent years that he thought I'd made ''a bloody good job'' of bringing her up. I hope your daughter and partner can sort things out, if not there will still be happier times ahead for her.

Norah Wed 11-Oct-17 22:02:33

When will she be to work? That will take her mind of him, he sounds awful. She should be feeling well soon from the delivery, that will help, I think.

Bambam Thu 12-Oct-17 11:37:44

Hi Angarad, it's a shame that what should be a happy time for you all is so stressful.
I can only guess what's going on in this young man's mind. He is either panicking at the reality of fatherhood and feeling trapped or as you suspect he is having an affair, which would explain the staying out all night and coldness towards your daughter. I feel this is more likely!
You say that when your daughter moves back home this weekend he is moving in with his Mother. Could your daughter perhaps ask his Mother if she knows why he's behaving like this.
Whatever the outcome of this relationship, your daughter has a lovely baby, who she adores and she will survive.

Granjan06 Thu 12-Oct-17 22:33:59

My husband changed, became distant during my 2nd pregnancy (unplanned), our first child was 15 months when I found out I was expecting. He left and went back to his parents home when our 2nd child was 6 weeks old. It was very difficult but I got through it, I did learn a few months later that he was having an affair and had actually gone away with her 3 weeks before our baby was born - I was devastated. With love, support and help from family and friends I got through it, there were lots of down days but I had 2 beautiful children to look after and they kept me going. Whatever the outcome, your daughter will survive - with your love and support.

Starlady Sat 14-Oct-17 17:39:13

I'd think twice about asking his mum anything if I were your dd, Anagharad. Awkward to put her in the middle and he might resent it if he finds out.

Besides, who knows what he's telling her? Might not be the truth and may just confuse dd. If I were her, I would just wait to see if he wants to come back - and if I sill want him back after a while. Or maybe just move on. But that's just me.

Coolgran65 Sat 14-Oct-17 17:56:56

Sorry Starlady speaking for myself, I couldn't do that. I couldn't wait and see if he wanted to come back. But that's just me. Granma describes him as a cold calculating monster.

He was becoming increasingly cold and distant for the last couple of months of the pregnancy and looks like he is not at all interested in his new baby. I wonder has he enquired after mum and baby during the 10 days she has been with her mother.

Depending on how well mum knows her DPs mother could dictate whether or not she could ask if she has any ideas as to what is going on. Don't think I'd be too concerned about whether it made DP resentful or not. DP hasn't exactly earned the right for such consideration.

If mum goes back to her own home DP has said he will go to his mum's. At 200 miles distant - Will new mum be able to manage financially until child support etc would be organised etc. What about child care when/if she goes back to work. Lots to consider. New Mum could move back near her own mother (Angharad56) depending on how Grandma might be able to help but if young mum has a career then moving might not be easy.

I might sound way ahead of myself (if it was me) but from the information given - sounds like DP doesn't deserve house room.

Only my views.
Take heart Angharad56 in that these things usually work out and often for the very best.

Norah Sat 14-Oct-17 18:43:44

I would not ask his mum one thing, none of your business.

Starlady Sun 15-Oct-17 08:29:56

No one suggested that the op ask his mum anything Norah. Bambam suggested that the op's dd ask him mum why he's acting like this. It certainly is dd's business. But I still don't think she (dd) should put his mum in the middle that way.

PamelaJ1 Sun 15-Oct-17 10:58:09

My DD husband left when she was 7 months pregnant, she was devastated. He went back to M&D. We think he had an affair but not 100% sure.
Long story short, she divorced him, his M&D and S in law were not nice.
Now they have been very happily together for 5 years. They haven't remarried but live as a family and DGS has a mum and a dad.
My daughter doesn't see anything of her in laws unless she meets them in the street when she is , of course, polite but that seems to work.
If your Son in law was nice in the first place perhaps he too will revert to type. If not then she is well rid.
It's a shame that you are not nearer to her, must be a huge worry.