Strained relationship with daughter

Thanks to all the ladies who have made comments to me on here.
I have had counselling and I was offered that the therapist could make a report that I was a vulnerable person being abused. I said I would try to get out of it on my own.
It is so hard to deal with when it is a daughter. I would not let a man away with so much and of course there is always the pull of the DGC. DGC come in for being shouted at and degraded. I am surprised that the school and/or neighbours have not reported events.
I am trying to find a safe place for me. I just need the courage to make the move. I have a health problem which causes me to often feel exhausted so it is difficult to go out and deal with things ie viewings etc. I dont care if I am not the perfect housewife. I have been out driving on my good /better days.
Thanks ladies.
SPF

Thank you Starlady. I have often wondered whether it is worth all the hassle, especially when my DD would cut me out of life for months at a time when I didn't behave the way she wanted me too but whenever my DH advised me to walk away I just couldn't bring myself to. You can't every affect change in a worthwhile relationship without communication and I refuse to believe it can't be a worthwhile relationship.
I read a brilliant book called "Walking on Eggshells," which gives you strategies to work with people with BPD because I wondered whether that was something my DD might have. Although I'm not sure whether there is anything significantly wrong with my daughter's mental health or brain wiring, the strategies the book discussed were very helpful for the most part. It is definitely worth a read.

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Sorry Cassy but I'm going to be blunt.....you really need to back off. Your daughter is having this baby, not you. Why do you need to feel the baby?
We don't need to be best friends with our offspring. They have their own lives and we should have ours.

Don't try too hard Cassy relax and let her enjoy her pregnancy in her own way. Let her know she has your support and you will help if needed then back off a little.

My DD is 6 months pregnant. She wont engage in much chat about the baby or anything in general. If I ask her if baby is moving she'll shrug and say 'a bit'. I say 'can I feel the baby' and she says 'yeah when she moves Ill tell you'. But she doesn't. Ever. I feel so left out and hurt and Ive told her but she shrugs and doesnt seem to care. I too get jumpy aroud her. She makes my stomach hurt and I get very anxious when Im near her. Im a nice person, but she seems to despise me, and that hurts. She has no difficulty in excitedly chatting with anybody else about the baby but not me...her friends all like me, and they tell her this but she just doesnt seem to like me. We are so alike in many ways, perhaps thats why we clash. Any suggestions how to build bridges? I just dont know what to do

Cassy

Norah Bugsy Your apparent assumptions that the problem links to the mothers behaviours are just as biased as "diagnosing mental illness"!! People are merly raising possibilities for the OP who asked for advice, to consider - those possibilities might include BPD, just bad behaviour by the daughter or caused by the behaviour of the mother. We don't know!!! The OP is giving her perspective and asking for advice, people are giving it for her consideration!! They are not "diagnosing", and presumably you are not "assuming"when you suggest "look to your own behaviour".

I agree Bugs, instead of attempt to diagnose children with a mental disorder, it would be better to try to get to the root to the problem, look to oneself.

I'm still wondering if Sue's dd is being treated like an adult or "still a kid." If mil thinks that Sue may be able to influence dd's behavior, that suggests she still sees dd as a child. Maybe Sue does, too, idk. All the efforts in the world to "build bridges" and such won't make any difference if, for example, she doesn't accept dd's decisions for her own life without question or criticism. Dd's "nasty" behavior may simply be an effort to assert herself. She may not do it well, but she might not know how.

But those are just "ifs" and "maybes." Obviously, I don't know if that's the case. I don't mean to accuse you or mil of anything, Sue. Just suggesting another possibility.

Maybe the problem is, after all, BPD or just a coarse personality (sorry, I know it hurts to hear that) or even just the "brashness of youth" (if she's early 20s or so). Hope things get better over time.

Bugsy, I don't favor total estrangement either. But sometimes, imo, it does, in fact, benefit a person if they are being abused. And verbal/emotional abuse is just as serious, imo, as physical. If that's what's going on here, I think Sue needs to distance herself, at least a little.

I would invite dd and sil to lunch at the pub, keep the conversation light (f possible), but let some time go before getting together again. If she's rude at the pub, or turns down the invite, that would tell me to keep my distance for a long time.

Sugarpuffit takes courage to 'walk away' from an abusive relationship especially when the abuse is coming from your own child.

Maybe "estrangement benefits nobody" is correct bugsy however that does beg the question why some refuse to do anything to resolve an estrangement situation. Perhaps for some, estrangement is beneficial.

If it were as simple as estranged parents swallowing their pride, losing their ego and therefore getting their families back together again, there would be far fewer parents estranged from their adult children. In some cases an adult child or their spouse does have a personality disorder which is the route of the true problem.

However, as has previously been stated, the OP described her D's behaviour; she did not pin a label on it.

I hope that what ever you arrange with you D goes OK sue. Some good advice has been offered here and you should also remember that we all deserve to be treated with respect and civility, even when there is no love which makes your D's treatment of you so distressing.

Take care and good luck.

Marnie, very wise to go for bereavement counseling. It IS a loss, imo.

Stopping reading for a moment to say, Sugarpuff, I am so sorry and send (((hugs))). I hope you are in counseling or otherwise working on getting your confidence back.

Icanhand, I think you've hit on the perfect way to deal with a difficult ac. Applause, applause!

PS I agree that sometimes people are just not very pleasant: That doesn't preclude considering other possibilities for the OP! She is the one that has the fuller picture and can hopefully decide whether any suggestions are useful/ worth considering as another perspective

Christinefrance My comment was referring to the original poster who was not labelling her daughters behaviour, just describing it! I'm not sure that by asking the question / raising the possibility that people are labelling , more raising it as something for the OP to consider! Mainly on GN we only have one side of a story - so suggestions/considerations can only be given on that basis...

Madgran I understand that people have experience of mental illness within their families and want to offer support. However it does seem that people are very quick to label others with a mental illness without knowing all the details. We have to accept sonetimes that a person can be odd, eccentric or downright nasty but does not mean they are ill. Not everyone conforms to so called acceptable norms.

Bugsy returning to the original OP she didn't suggest a mental illness. She described behaviours. Some posters (with relevant experiences) suggested a mental illness. Others like myself suggested ways to respond to those behaviours as it appears from the OP that there has been little said about HER perceptions of that behaviour, through fear maybe or because being upset has been the response! If the OP responds differently then her daughter will then have the option to put her point of view if she so chooses. Ofcourse being upset could be interpreted as "emotional blackmail", "manipulation", "not acknowledging ones own behaviours", "martyrdom" ...or just genuine hurt and upset. Who knows in this particular case. But a different response does mean a potential move forward one way or the other !

Pupleboot I believe that honesty is always the best policy - it helps nobody for us all to agree with these posters when let's face it - most of us know that the 'child' in these families will likely have a very different account of goings on.
Estrangement benefits nobody and it's high time us parents swallowed our pride, lost our ego and got our families back together, before it's too late.

Helpful bugsy555!

.. All you ladies with dysfunctional families are far too quick to diagnose your children/spouses with a mental disorder.
I think that's your way of justifying to yourselves why the relationships have broken down. Time would be better dpent trying to get to the route of the true problem

So many psychiatric problems on GN so many people making diagnoses. Is it possible some people are just rude, disrespectful and anti social.

I too wonder whether she has an undiagnosed condition. I have had problems with one of my daughters and I think she has Asperger’s. Girls/women present differently to boys and therefore it is not recognised.

Bambam thanks I am staying under the radar for now but secretly trying to make arrangements.

F77ms that’s a daft thing to say sons are just as likely to get a mental health illness or be difficult as a daughter

Enough is enough Sugarpufffairy!

Thanks Madgran77