So deluded

I can’t believe what an idiot I am.
I have been harbouring a passion for first love nearly all my life. I imagined we talk in code of repressed fearful desire. Ha. I reinterpret silences for profundity and now to cut to the chase ...
I have just found out that he is married. No signs of that before. He had been wanting to meet up then disappearing...I thought it was because when we were very young I broke up with him because in his 6 month silence I had got pregnant by someone else who I was then living with and went on to marry though I still loved him.
25 years later we got back in touch and it was steamy but I thought vengeful of my early decision. He was very successful. He is German and still lives there.
I’m sorry if this is a bit contracted....
then I found out a few years ago that he had been trying to get hold of me on Facebook. Always remembered my birthday and in fact last year made public that I was his first love and very special. He wanted to meet up again. The messages were fervent he introduced me to his son by photos he befriended my daughter. I was a bit giddy. Nothing came of it again. He just suddenly goes awol.
After not acknowledging any birthday wishes or messages last year I got worried...was he ill? Depressed. Then he made some trite message on Facebook and I realised he was just rude and careless. So for the first time I told him.
This year I have been faced with life threatening condition which suddenly killed my brother last year over which he had been very sympathetic. And I wrote to him and told him, he was sympathetic but said he was still shocked that I had called him rude. I apologised and explained as much as I could. He again expressed a wish to see me ...we were getting on. Then he said that the reason he had not replied was that he was going through a rough spot with his wife. WIFE what wife? As I had just extended an invitation to him to visit my home town (first time, we usually meet in London or Berlin) my response to the wife news was to send him a link of event in my home town that I know was interesting to him and suggest he visit it with his wife.
Dead silence as usual. For last month. I thought well done me. Subtle not needy got the message through.
Now he has messaged me saying he has booked up another event in my city and he has discussed it with his wife and has said they will be happy to come.
Bloody hell. I have answered ‘no it would not work out’ ‘Why? date or idea?’ he has replied. ‘Bad idea sorry’ I answered. ‘Why’ he has just asked. All these decades of miscommunication. Has it all been in my imagination and dreams that we would some day at last be reunited? Looks like it.
I cannot imagine a worse scenario than entertaining him and his new wife. But I have decided not to answer his question why. Doh.
Does anyone understand this? My delusion and his behaviour.