Grannie envy

Paula, please take heart from Aquafish’s post. Situations do change if you play the long game and remain pleasant and loving to all your son’s family. Maybe find one creative talent such as music or art to nurture in your GC’s , offer to take them to a little concert or age appropriate musical, and become known as Music Granny, or Art or Dancing Granny! Those kind of bonds last for life. Good luck!

Pauladavis48
So sorry you are not seeing your grandchildren as much as you would like.This is not a happy situation.
Gc's grow up very quickly and then it will be up to them not their parents who they chose to visit.But that does not solve the present issue.
As for the money then you are not a bank. You have to talk to your daughter and if she is hard up she has to be honest and confide in you.If her husband is controlling then she must visit you not you her.Both put your cards on the table .

I feel envious too. My son moved to Canada after being head hunted for a games designer job. He met a lovely girl and they have a baby boy of a year old. I visited last May and got to meet my son’s partner and her mother.
It broke my heart to have to come back to the UK after 3 weeks and envy that my grandson’s maternal grandma lives in a granny annex attached to their house. She will see him grow as I can’t afford to go to Canada every year.

When I was a young mum it didn't occur to me that a grandparent who saw the grandkids more often was the lucky one. I always thought we were imposing on whichever set we asked to have babysit or whatever. Seriously I always assumed the one involved more often would feel the most hard done by not the other way around. So it's possible the couple we're talking about in this thread it hasn't dawned on them that it's not that way around!

I recently discovered that the reason one of my daughters in-laws see our grandchildren more often than us, is because whereas we have an open house policy of "your're welcome to come when ever you want" and check if its OK for us to visit them as we live a couple of hundred miles away. her in-laws announce they are coming whenever it suits them and expect my daughter and family to visit when they invite them.

You see your GC occasionally, I think? Be happy and fun when you're with them. Competitions between grandparents aren't a nice thing.

You have my sincere sympathy. My daughter and myself have applied through the court to have contact to our GC and GGC, it's an extremely long drawn out procedure, very expensive and it seems that it's the only way to deal with it finally. On a daily basis my daughter and I are living a distressful life and are looking for a positive solution.
To me it seems that life has changed for the worse. Whilst I was a child, We as a family visited all of our relatives, we all new about our aunts, uncle and cousins, unfortunately we didn't have grandparents, but we visited our other relations grandparents, they were very happy times. I don't agree with new regulations whereby you are forbidden anyn information from schools etc, It's wrong and it's hard, especially for those who care. I hope you are lucky enough to resolve the problem, and that you don't find yourself in the same position as my daughter and I are in. All the very best.

Do you live just as near your daughter and grandchildren as her in-laws? If not, then perhaps you are overacting as the distance might be the problem.

You may well be right that your daughter's partner is controlling, usually when mothers get that kind of feeling it is because something is wrong. However, this is where you have to bite your tongue, because however nicely we try to put it, criticising our children's partners only leads to trouble. I'm in the same boat here, so I know.

You say your daughter only gets in touch when she needs to borrow money. Has this always been the way all her adult life, or is it something new? Why does she need the money? (I don't need to know, it's not my business, but you perhaps do need to think about it). At least she trusts you enough to ask, that's some consolation.

Could there be a reason for your grandson staying with his other grandparents and not you? Are your daughter and her partner rabid non-smokers and you smoke? Afraid of dogs and you have one?

Don't ask your daughter why the grandchildren see more of their other grandparents, but you could try saying you would like to have your grandchildren come to stay overnight sometime soon, and see what she says.

When adult children weaponise our grandchildren..if I started ,my post would go on for ages .suffice to say that I was always the first port of call over other grandmother .to punish her as the mother of my daughters departed ex partner and father of her children..
now roles are reversed as I am persona non gratis due to my daughter having decided to sever all ties with me for reasons too complicated but down to her personal unhappiness and personality disorder issues ..which are directed at me with little or no justification...other granny has them all the time and I cannot even speak to them ..other granny forbidden to speak to me though we do text..any more contact and it would snap the precarious thread she has with them...so nothing is simple ..make the most of what you have ..

It is so tempting to get into the competitive grandparenting thing. Unfortunately, although you may try to hide it, it will come over and will make DD not want to spend more time with you. Grandchildren get different things from different grandparents and they have a tremendous capacity for love. Just enjoy them and try not to be paranoid.

Crumbs! We're very lucky in that we get on with all the other GPs. I know that the GC enjoy coming here because their GD does exciting things with them but the other GPs do different things too so it all works out in the end. Being friendly with the other GPs is very important I think as we all have the GC's welfare at heart - but you don't have to be best buddies.

I feel for you completely. Our daughter/step daughter is close to us but her MiL is obsessed with her own son and the children and has been very clever in staying with them a lot and even moving to the same town!

I have been hurt more often than I can count over the past few years by this woman (!) who just takes whatever she wants .... or so it seems to me.

I then read a book, ‘Toxic In laws’, which was discussed on another GN thread and it’s amazing! I am now much more relaxed, don’t try to compete (it’s absolutely NOT a competition) and can see how the types of ‘toxic’ in laws that the author describes (engulfing, controlling, rejecting, abusive or chaotic - or bits of all of these types) can be overcome or ignored. And interesting to consider, as the author suggests, how do the other grandparents view us? Do they see us as a threat because, eg, we have more money, etc? It’s also changed for the better how I feel about some neighbours and work colleagues!

As others have said, be kind, don’t criticise, offer what you can without conditions.

Hopefully it will right itself ?

I understand how you feel pauladavis48, I rarely see DS’s lovely boys because they live so far away, and DIL’s parents - seem to always be there. I don’t know how the future will pan out because DS is divorcing but I see DD’s DD four days (including a weekly sleepover) and twin DSs twice a week and that is a blessing.
Maybe the ‘money tree’ needs to gently shed its leaves next time a loan is requested - it does seem that you are taken for granted

Hi Paula I don't have any advice (no experience) but you've had good advice. I just want to say I do hope Paula Davis is a made up name, and 48 doesn't give your age away - these forums are public.

Paula, is there some reason dd doesn't have her children around you too often? Do you smoke? Refuse to use car seats? Argue with her parenting decisions? Anything that would make her feel more comfortable with the pgps?

Perhaps pgm comes over every day because she helps out with housework or kids? Maybe she has them on the weekends to give the parents some time alone. Would you do these things?

Dd may have a "comparment" for each gp in her mind. Pgps help out and watch kids on weekends. Mgm helps us out financially. Is there a reason for this?

I feel for you, but I'm glad you're not going to bring this up again. Arguing with dd about it could cause that rift you talk about. You can try some of the suggestions given. But if all else fails, please just accept things as they are. Pressuring for more will only get you less.

Pauladavis48 seems rather unfair but one thing I would suggest is trying to discover why your daughter prefers her in-laws - what is it about them that you don't have? If you get to know that then you have the chance to 'compete' and although there has been much about you not looking at the situation as a competition, in reality, this is what it is. You can reduce the competitive element by becoming friends with the other grandparents, by suggesting a family outing with the grandchildren and the other grandparents without your daughter and son-in-law. I think you need to try to 'get in there' and set your own routines.

Same here netty. Seen 3yr old for45 mins in total over 3 visits and 1yr old 10mins in one visit. Other GPS see two days a week plus other babysitting. Unfortunately we are the wrong class I believe. Getting on with my life enjoying holidays, clubs, friends and other little people who love having an extra grandma. They can sit in their ivory towers.

So know the feeling. My DIL's parents live 3 minutes away and we live almost 2 hours away and yes, we too are usually only called upon when the other grandparents aren't available. Our sons take the easy way out. I'm also resigned to the situation.
Like so many others, I'm the "fun " grandma. My DIL's parents are older than us so I'm the one that can run, etc.
The reality of the situation so hurts but it seems the norm. Just treasure the crumbs that you are given. Children don't care how far away you live. They will love you because you are you.

I guess the other gran never challenges her over anything so I think you would be wise not to say too much about preferring one side to the other. I suppose the daily care has become a set routine, not sure why she gets the child all weekend as well? I can only suggest that you try a few invites of your own or say you have somewhere special you would like to take her out. As you know some grans on here never see their grandchildren, others like me have some living far away, just make the best of it you can, get creative!

It does hurt ,I'm in the reverse situation three daughters in law ,who's parents always come first....... I'm only thought of when no one else is available, well I've come to the conclusion that I've either got to accept that or have no contact at all.
I do think that my sons are to blame though, anything for a quiet life seems to be their attitude......
My daughters in law will learns hard lesson when their sons grow up as it will probably happen to them.... In the mean time I think I'll just get on with making my life good without them.......

I agree with Coconut. But I would ask: Is it all in your head? Has your daughter said anything that would make you think this way? Is your tone negative to your daughter about it, causing her to respond negatively? Clearly you don't like her partner....is this the root of the problem? So many questions.....ask yourself... and work round it in a positive way....so that you too can enjoy your grandchildren without feeling left out.

Although I completely sympathise with your feelings - I mean I have experienced jealousy myself and I know how painful it is, sadly jealous people tend to turn other people off, and it becomes self-fulfilling. Ie your jealousy makes them avoid you and then you become even more jealous. The only way out of this vicious cycle is to learn to completely cover up your negative feelings. Sad, but sometimes we have to play life at its own game

Are you really sure about this? Family life can be tidal in the way relationships go, sometimes it just seems that way but when circumstances change, you might see the ways in which you are valued.

Do you resent helping out with money? Maybe that colours the way you feel or maybe your DD feels awkward until she repays the money and that taints things a little.

I wouldn't dwell on it because you are just suffering for nothing. I am sure your time will come around again.

It is hard, as the mother of three sons with six grandson's, I find that it's my daughter's in law's parents that always come first!
So now after years of hurt, I'm just intent on making the most of what little time I do have with them......Life is too short to bear grudges and be miserable......

Whatever the ins and outs of a particular situation the feeling that you are somehow left out of the grandparent circle is just heartbreaking. There are so many combinations and permutations to all of this but the bottom line is sadness and loss of the joy of the company of your precious little ones. I don't know the answers (so wish I did) but there it is. But what I do know for certain is that women of a certain age (our age) are tough.