Grannie envy

Hello TeddyDog I think you need to think long and hard before making a final decision about visiting your D.

If you decide not to go then there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. Your D has made her own life choices and this choice is yours to make.

You can of course continue to support her as you have been doing from a distance which from what you have posted would be better for you and your GD. No child should witness the type of behaviour you describe from their mother toward their GM, or anyone else for that matter.

What ever you decide, please consider your own well being .

Tessydog I absolutely agree with PurplePixie And sliverlining is right, might be better to copy and paste your post above and start a new thread for you about your problem. Go to your chosen forum then you will see start new thread at top of page, usually on the right hand side I think

Teddydog this post began 5 years ago. You might want to start your own as it might get more response.
As for visiting your daughter in Berlin if you do go ( and have a good think about this) but if you do then I suggest you don’t go alone and you find your own accommodation nearby. It’s very easy to find reasonably priced rentals there, and if things prove difficult it’s better to go back to your place instead of having a bad atmosphere in hers.
Good luck.

TeddyDog - You have to look after yourself and back away from your daughter. In your head and heart you know what the future will be and you are only 66. Please do not move to be nearer her as it will be a nightmare. Also, you have to consider your husband as well. You both deserve a life and do not throw it away on your inconsiderate daughter. I haven’t seen or spoken to my daughter in 7 years and she only lives 2 miles away. Infact I pass her house on the way to the shops. I dont care if I never see her again as that part of my heart has died and gone. Take care.

The best thing that I did was to make friends with my daughter’s in laws. I got on with them great but my daughter did leave them with them more and more. Then she got divorced and they stay at her ex inlaws even more. Now I am estranged from my daughter I get to see them if and when it is convenient for both her and her ex husband. Yes, I am used as a convenience but it is the price I have to pay to see the girls. They have 100’s of photos on their phones of their other grand parents and I dont think they have 5 of me. I just have to enjoy the times that we do spend together and not see it as competition. They are growing up and hopefully they will come and stay on their own.Until then I will enjoy them, if and when. Take care and try not to get too upset about it all. I am done and past with crying now.

The grandchildren will be at school by now I expect, I hope OP found a way through her envy.

I am in great need of some support over my relationship with my daughter. Our relationship has been difficult since she was a teenager. I have struggled for years to come to terms with her personality, she is very like her bullying father, from whom I am divorced and my daughter estranged.
She was expelled from school for fighting, she played truant, took drugs, she kicked
the door in and tried to beat me up while in the bathroom.
We had spells of calm in between but usually because I rolled over and didn't fight back. We only ever seem to be a whisker away from further conflict.
She got to her 30's and settled into a really good nursing job and I helped her buy a flat, I have always been more than happy to help her achieve what she wants.
Then 3 years ago she chucked all that away to live in Berlin and go nightclubbing. She developed a big drug habit again, then got pregnant at 40 by a man she met 3 times, who wanted nothing to do with her. She has trouble keeping relationships because of her difficult personality .
Now she has an 18 month old daughter and is living on benefits in Berlin. She lied that didn't know who the father was to get benefits. I have given her 1000's of pounds to keep her going.
The problem is she wants me to go and stay with her, I really don't want to because she will take any opportunity to be horrible to me if she feels like it, when it's perceived I have not done or said what she wants to hear. The fear of "getting things wrong " in her company makes me feel most unwell with stress I get IBS, insomnia, lack of appetite, and gum disease flare-up when I'm stressed. She exasperates my dear kind husband who doesn't want her visiting because it makes me so stressed. She twists and manipulates what I say to make me look terrible and her the victim.
I must admit I am not a huge fan of children these days either. My daughter wants me to dote and adore my granddaughter which I do struggle with.
I just want to try and not feel so utterly consumed with guilt at wanting a quiet and peaceful life at the expense of not going to Germany. I'm just so tired of living in fear of my daughter's rages. I have done so much to try and make her life easier sending parcels and things she needs, which I am more than happy to do.
I have told her about my mental health issues, my Father took his life when I was 12, my daughter told me to get my head "fixed". I tried counseling it just made me feel worse raking over all the past horrors. I know counseling isn't for everyone, I did try! I am 66 now. If anyone has any suggestions it would be gratefully received. I'm at my wits end!

I always feel bad for posters when I read these kinds of threads as I'm not sure there's much you can do about the situation. However, if it helps at all, my paternal grandmother was my favourite relative even though we lived a way away and couldn't see her very often. Our personalities just clicked and we spent a lot of time together out of choice when I was older. It's possibly not of much comfort to you now, but maybe if you can play the long game things will get better.

Oops - meant "grandma jealousy" thread.

grandmarosie is asking same question on "grannie envy" thread. Perhaps better to respond there.

I’m having a problem with jealousy over other grandma. I was thinking it might be a good idea for me to distance myself from my granddaughter who loves me when I am there but when other grandma is around ignores me. Do you think it would make my granddaughter appreciate me more? Or is it just she likes her better than me and I need to accept it

How can I stop my jealous feelings that turn me into a very mean person. Which I usually am not. When I see my granddaughter by choice playing with her other grandma and ignoring me!!!

Hello Paula. I know exactly how you feel. My son and daughter in law live on Hayling Island, close to all her family, so they can pop in any time they like and do. They all also work in that area too and we are completely out of that area. We see out gd once a week for just a morning now as she goes to pre-school in the afternoon. They also have days out and sometimes a weekend away (one time I was told that they had been away with all the family!)
We are never invited to these trips. As my husband put it, It's as if they live in a bubble with all her family and we are invited into the bubble now and then.My son even started going swimming with his MIL once a week. I barely get to see him. An invitation at the weekend is always met with "we will have to see what we arre doing" and then it's forgotten.
I've finally found someone who understands how I am feeling, so thank you Paula for your post.

Make the most of the time you do see your granddaughter. Say nothing, it will damage the relationship you do have.
When they get to teenagers they rarely see you, well, mine don’t.

It was the other way round for me. Our son was the first grandchild on both sides. My mil said, don't ask me to babysit because I've done all that. We respected that and never asked her. Then her own daughter had a baby and my mil gave up her job to look after him full time so her daughter could go back to work. What kind of message was that sending out? She never wanted to be close to me or my kids. Never understood it but it did hurt.

Just another slant on it....as I, like others don't know the background relationship with your DD.

You mention 'envy' of the other grandparents? Could this have any bearing on things? Just wondering.... My DM has ALWAYS been a jealous type of person and saw a kind of pecking order regarding her GC. She was piqued if she wasn't asked first or told first. If one bought an expensive gift she felt she had to do same and so on.... It caused numerous problems (all long since resolved thank goodness) So much so, that when I had my GC, I was never envious of anything other grandparents did for my GC.

I just let them know I was there....if they needed me! OK slightly different in that I was 'needed' more often than I needed to be needed but....referring to my own Mother, she made herself miserable by taking umbrage and trying to keep up with others.

I would just be the 'fun' grandma when they see you and enjoy it without making it a competition, no matter how hurt you feel.

Not sure why your daughter asks you for money? If you feel 'used' just say no, sorry not got it. Sounds like you feel annoyed about it but give in to her anyway for fear of losing your GC? I would never be blackmailed.

Oh and of course NEVER criticise her choice of partner (rule number one). He could be the pits but its her choice (until she chooses differently).

How sorry I feel that this is upsetting you. I do agree with aqua fish that time changes things, you never know how things will pan out for the better. Huzzah is right too, about how frequency of contact doesn't always equate into love. My son (without children) adores his nieces and they adore him although they only see him a couple of times a year. They FaceTime though, could you try that? About making friends with the other GPs hmm, this was a no-no for me from the start. Before we met I was prepared to like her, but from the start it was clear she was in a competition with me that I hadn't entered. She obviously doesn't like me. I have sent her a couple of little present over time, like homemade jam and home made Christmas stuff, but I never heard back. My DiL law is lovely and I get on well with her, but it tends to be my son who brings the GC round when she is working, as they both work shifts. I make an effort to text just her so she doesn't feel that I only seeker as an add on to my son. Good luck and try not to take it to heart too much.

I certainly wouldn't try to discuss it with your daughter. I should have started with how sorry I feel for you - this must be agony! Try under any circumstances to keep communication going and try to see your GCs as often as is feasible. Try also not to think about the frequency of their contact with their father's Parents. It'll upset you. Also frequent contact does not always equate to good in a relationship with GChildren. Their father sounds a bit of a mummy's boy. Just try hard to sound "normal" and keep the avenues of communication open and see them as often as you can. As for your daughter needing your money, does her husband not support her? What would happen if you said you were bit strapped for cash at the time?
By the way, I live miles from my eldest and her husband's mum was just round the corner when my first GSon was born. She was even in the hospital at his birth! She was always at their house, letting herself in. I was upset for a while, but she and I were both widows and quickly became close friends so I was lucky. When she died suddenly, I was devastated. You never know how things will turn out.
I wish you every kind of good luck and blessing.

When my DC were grown up and DH's parents had both died, my DM told me that she felt that we had always favoured them over her and DF.

I was aghast. DH and I had always been consciously even handed between both sets of parents, whom we loved dearly, but different family circumstances - DH was an only child, I am one of three; DH's parents didn't drive and were older and had health problems. Mine were younger fitter and mobile, meant there were differences in the patterns of visiting, but there was no favouritism.

This and other family glitches have made me very conscious about how one side in a relationship can totally misinterpret the actions of the other.

Damewithaname

And to grandparents who are calling the schools to find out about report cards and so on, IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE, NOW OR EVER! YOU ARE BEING DISRESPECTFUL. Some parents have kids who have learning disabilities and can barely take it all in themselves and they definitely don't need a nosy grandparent digging into that... the way you can help is to be there to listen... not to pry....

Go and do things you couldn't do when you had children... stop worrying about who got more time with so and so... it's pathetic really.

I see serious problems with grannies who see their place as a grandparent as a competition.

There is more to life than grandparenting - what about friends, siblings much as we love our grandchildren all 17 of them we can't live our lives through them or our children

"Granny Wars" is to be avoided at all costs!