Transexual g.child

franbern it is great that you have been able to spend some time with your family as you all adjust to the new situation. It's so much better when you can see for yourself how things really are.

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. There is no suggestion of any sort of medical intervention for several more years. An appointment is being made at the Tavistock Clinic. In the meanwhile, he is happily living as a boy, and does seem to be much more content that he was previously. Have spent much of the last week with him and his family (me visiting them for three days, and them visiting me for three days). New family photos have been done as he dislikes the ones which showed him as a girl. Do sometimes get the pronoun wrong, (but then my daughter confessed that she did sometimes also). Had a long talk to my daughter about him, and she says that he can live as a boy at present (although he is being reminded, gently, that nothing is forever and most teenagers make wrong decisions and that there is no 'losing face' in changing his mind). At 16 years old he will start attending proper counselling sessions., and if necessary start hormone treatment. My daughter has admitted that she would be horrified at any sort of surgical intervention ever). Do feel so much happier now that I have spent nearly a week in his company - although must say, much of his reactions seem far more feminine than male.

Pamish wrote:
"And the drugs are not benign. "
That's the part that I think is the most worrying. No-one knows yet what the longterm effects will be on the person's overall health.
We have friends whose daughter has changed to male, now aged mid-twenties. She/he belongs to a support group in the area. When I see her I still think of her as a girl, who I watched growing up.

Sorry Franbern as you can see, your post touched a nerve, but my response was not helpful to you. I think the advice by Pamish to join a forum of others experiencing the same things is a good one.

Another perspective:
A male relative (mid forties) thinks he is now female because he believes he is the stolen daughter of a King and his kidnappers 'pretended' that he was a boy! He is being treated by a gender clinic and encouraged to dress and live as a female!!! This person is suffering from extremely severe mental health problems and is so out of touch with reality that he also believes that he's the son of God and that people want to behead him. And again I say - he is being 'treated' for gender dysmorphia, but his mental health continues to deteriorate to the extent that he is legally insane and his mental health support is almost zero!! If the money spent on his gender 'treatment' was diverted to his mental health I would be far less angry.

Hmm.. I'm dubious about doing anything too young. Many young people, for example, have feelings for same sex but while some are indeed homosexual, for others it's a phase they grow out of. The trans-gender thing is one I must admit I don't get. If I, as a 21st C woman, want to avoid girly stuff, want to take a 'male' job, dress in masculine style, cut hair short, date women... I absolutely can. I can live an entirely male life and present myself as a male...so I don't personally 'get' why the need for drugs/ surgery to actually turn me into a man.

"Watchful waiting" indeed - with lots of love and support. Children are bombarded with lots of things that they cannot understand and some of the new responses to transgender do I think make it even harder.

I am female, it’s hard. But I am so proud to be a woman. I also think it’s hard to be a man, have sons, brothers. Feel for the ones that are in between. They should be the blessed ones. Feel the pain from both sides.

Of course, loving and lots of discussion, glad you are able to be part of that. But please be aware that this has become a bit of a contagion. It seems to be sweeping up, especially, pubescent girls. As their bodies start to change they realise how much crap girls and young women are facing now, it's millions worse than when we were girls, not least because of social media. For some girls, life as a boy looks easier. And now it's become such a current thing, with encouragement from peers, it's hard for girls to, for example, just believe they don't want to be typical girls, and go against the gender stereotypes her friends will be getting into. She may also be potentially a lesbian - there have even been cases of girls saying this, being told they are cowards by their friends for not 'owning up ' to really being transmen.

There's a very useful blog here full of posts by families with trans-identifying children. www.transgendertrend.com/ It may be helpful to you and your family to make sense of what's happening, and/or to ask for advice.

One problem is that people are being told it's now illegal to discourage this in children. It's not. 'Watchful waiting' is preferred by many practitioners in the field. And the drugs are not benign. If your grandchild is having really good psychological counselling at the same time as being referred for other treatment, they are lucky, given that there is a two year waiting list for such help in most places. Working out where the desire for this change has come from, has to be first on the agenda.

Our oldest grandchild came out to his family as transgender last spring, chose to be called by a very feminine name, and using pronouns “she” and “ her.” We had never seen anything feminine about her before, and still don’t, but accepted it along with the rest of the family. Now she is at university and will start transitioning with hormones in the new year. She is also on the autism spectrum, very brilliant academically, but socially awkward and isolated. Apparently there is a strong correlation between autism & gender dysphoria. We love her, want her to be happy, but I see this as a dfficult lifelong process for the trans person and the family. We go to a group for trans families at local church, and although it is positive and loving, people are honest about worry, effects on families, communications, MTF trans seems harder because standards of feminine appearance more judged, perhaps.

Thank you grandtanteJE65 for sharing that situation. I don't wish to go into a complex family situation but you have given me hope! As for Franbern's situation I think that medical intervention should be postponed until a child becomes a full adult. Children do not mature at the same stage my own family member is an attention seeking individual and I worry that this is just another phase she has discovered to get everyone running around if this is so it is working and she is only 13.

I would treat this 14 year old as a boy, as this is what he wants, but the grown ups could bear in mind that many youngsters nowadays are confused regarding their own sexuality. Perhaps something to do with options we never knew existed at their age.

If it turns out he is a male in the wrong body, that can be dealt with when he is fully adult. If not, living as a boy for a few years can't to my mind do any harm.

I know it isn't the same thing, but my eldest niece had a boyfriend, she lived with when she was eighteen, then after they broke up in their early twenties, she declared herself a lesbian and had a girlfriend whom we all accepted (some in the family easier than others) .

Six years later they broke up, and my niece went abroad to work for a year or so, came home, found herself a boyfriend, and lived with him for nearly ten years, has a son with him now, and married her long-time boyfriend last year.

So various permutations are possible these days.

The situation I mentioned was a case of Gender mis-assignment at birth, whereas for many it is a psychological thing. Not surprising that the changes appear in early teenage years when puberty occurs and hormones are all over the place. I think it is right to wait until the child is 16 when things have settled down, before there is any medical intervention or labels attached. I am glad that there are moves in schools and society in general to allow people to be 'gender fluid' and believe this change will benefit all if it puts an end to the rigid divisions in society along gender lines. We are all people first - babies, children, pupils, students, friends, parents, grandparents. Forcing people to conform to gender stereotypes may stunt the growth of their own unique personality, talents, career prospects, etc.

Time to stop referring to 'Boys and Girls', Ladies and Gentlemen', 'the men in the factory and the girls in the office', when children, grownups, workers, members, whatever include all.

I had some 90 year old tell me recently that he thought it all ridiculous. But then he also said that a woman's place was in the home and it is the man's job to be the breadwinner! Thank goodness times have changed. It must be incredibly difficult to try to live in the wrongly gendered body.

I persoanlly know two young people transitioning from female to male ,both are highly intelligent ,creative people who KNOW that this is the right thing for them to do.they have been very lucky in having massive support form schools,parents and the community.Sadly in both cases older relatives have been vocal about how unhappy they are and how its all "nonsense" actually much stronger words were used! Both have had the psychiatric assessments needed and both are started on hormone blockers ect.They are 16 and 17 and it took a lot of courage to go down this route ,its not a whim...they wont grow out of it and you need to be supportive and happy for them.They are still the people you love

Luckygirl the OP made no mention of medical intervention. NHS guidelines are not to start medication before age 16, although it does happen. Either way, surely a 14 year old is old enough to articulate how they feel and it would not be helpful to ignore what they say on the basis of age. It's not an easy road to choose at any age and I'm glad there's more openness and support for those involved.

I think our society will become more gender fluid in the decades ahead which is fine with me.

Just love them and be there for them...they haven't changed the character or person they've been Just changed who they are in the sense of clothes they wear...

I hate to sound a sour note, but, whilst I absolutely endorse the love and acceptance of everyone just as they are, I think this child is too young to be able to make this decision.

One of my DDs was like this - she wanted us to call her Ben (which we did!) and she had no interest in girly things whatsoever. When she got to about 17 she discovered boys and is now happily married with two children. If we had taken it over-seriously and sought medical advice (as would happen nowadays) the outcome would have been very different - better or worse? - I do not know.

Children need time to find their place in the world and understand their identity. To medicalise what might be just a passing phase is not helpful I think.

But I seem to be out of sync with the zeitgeist on this.

Something similar happened in a friend's family - with her GD. It was initially upsetting and caused some anger. However things quickly settled down - they did not want to lose a loved family member and they have accepted the changes. It is difficult to accept initially, but put the young person first and recognise how hard it is for them to make the change. Give them the love and respect they deserve and desperately need.

There was a similar post recently, perhaps you can find it as it probably might be helpful if there is another gran you can talk to.
A close friend of my daughter at primary school successfully went through this and is now male.
It is hard i am sure, but acceptance is the Key. As far as i recall there were no early signs, she was a bit of a tomboy but no more than others.

In our wider family (In-laws) there was a very troubled youngster who did not have close family support in a 'not having any of that nonsense in our family' sort of way. Thankfully, there was support from the wider family but the youngster had to wait for 16th birthday to take charge of hir own life. Left home to stay in a hostel, sought medical help and in transpired that he had been wrongly gendered at birth (as female). Some surgery and hormone treatment later and a change of name, he is a fine young man, has completed his interrupted education at college and lives happily with his girlfriend, who has been his partner through thick and thin. Last photo I saw of them, he has grown a beard and is now the 'Spitting Image' of his 2 Uncles.

Unfortunately he still has a difficult relationship with his parents. Please support your 'new' grandson whole heartedly. It will feel a little strange at first but hir will still be the same PERSON you have always loved - just with a change of pronouns!

I haven't had this happen but perhaps he was a 'girly' girl because he felt it was expected of him. I'm glad he's now able to be himself and it's wonderful that his family are so supportive.