Hello, I just joined tonight because I am at a loss as to what to do and was hoping for better understanding of my mother's feelings and actions and feeling hurt.
Apologies for the long post.
My mum went no contact when she moved back to Oz in Sep 16. She warned me so many times before she moved that it would take time to get a contact number and wifi set up, I told her to take her time as she seemed to be getting worked up more and more as the move date approached and asked that she let me know when she arrived safely at my brothers. She was acting bizarrely towards me a few years before this but I put it down to her missing my other brother who went back to Oz a few years before and just told her it was OK and figured she just needed some time to work it out of herself and to settle in.
A week after she left I group messaged to my brothers and Mum that my daughters Dad (ex) had an inoperable brain tumour and a week after that I told them I was being made redundant but we were all coping OK. My brothers offered sympathy and although my mum was active on fb messenger, I got nothing. I asked my brothers to pass on the message which they did. I have had no contact from her except three times, once when she first moved where she called on fb messenger to ask me to pay a final bill (shortly after news of DD dad/redundancy and after asking how she was and how move was, etc and listening to her, then me bringing up our bad news because I didn't think she would, it was brushed aside by mum and call finished) after Xmas day call went unanswered and I texted her, then new years came and went when with texts from myself and calls, I mustered up the courage to directly message and ask if I had done something wrong and was she talking to me. Mum called straight away and said there was no problem and I asked again about how she was selling and listened for a long time about her new life and health. Again, I got to squeeze in how her GD and I were coping but she bought the conversation back around to herself and the call ended. I then sent mothers day and birthday presents and my texts got spaced apart because life got busy as his illness progressed and my DD needed me more. In July, I gave up and accepted she didn't want us in her life, I grieved her. It wasn't the first time I had been emotionally let down and having a loved one dying with no contact from my mum felt too cruel and I was exhausted from the tumultuous and confused feelings. I felt I lost my mum and only wished her happiness and that she had felt safe enough to give me a heads up. I looked into our relationship since she left trying to get an understanding why she was acting the way she days. I honestly didn't know what I had done wrong. An answer came up over and over, but I poo pood it as I think it is the current quick fix trend, a narcissistic mother and I refused to believe my mother is one. Her mother checked all boxes and some of the example scenarios for the words, my grandma had done. My mother was def the scapegoat middle child and I felt bad for her. I'm not sure, but I think that the only female adult role model that was supposed to nurture her, caused a lot of damage and it affected her relationship with me in my teens and at that age when you are judgemental, critical and rebellious and she took my road to independence as an attack on her. I have mellowed and learnt over the years to be sensitive and latterly to keep my mouth shut as anything I say seems to cause her hurt and I don't want that, she's different with my brothers who can tell her to back off if she tried to control too much and they are able to voice their opinions over little things.
My daughters dad died November. So tragic but my DD and I are doing ok. On the day of the funeral my younger brother (who has been my rock throughout the cancer, we don't talk about mums relationship with me in each other's company because it's confusing and puts a strain on our relationship), anyway, he called to say that mum had sent a card and he didn't want to be the messenger and it was a one off. He said mum wanted to call me that day but he said he would check with me first, unspoken knowledge about the silence between us I guess. I felt a blow but calmly thanked him and asked him not to be a messenger but could he ask one time that mum didn't call and let mum know we were OK and I would call when I was emotionally ready. I had decided at that point that I could not go on with our relationship but could not deal with saying it and didn't want my brother involved. I had resigned myself to the fact that she didn't want us a couple of months earlier and it had hurt but my DD and I managed to get through the awful time alone. She called a week later when I just woke up and I ignored it because I didn't know what to say, it hurt that she was calling now, and I couldn't face her. It was like getting a call from a dead person.
A week later she called again and I thought I would ask why. She started the call with "hi, what's your bank details for gd Xmas money... I said it was OK that she didn't have to and she said it's my gd and I said OK and gave it to her. She immediately jumped to the next subject which was her health, and spoke for over 20m about that. I managed to ask how she was and let her know I was glad the move was the right thing for her and I was happy for her, she went back to talking about herself and I listened. I said thank you for the sympathy card which had affectionate and casting words to both my DD and I, she said it must be awful for my gd and she wished she was there for her. She asked about my bf and I said he couldn't cope with the sadness and has slow faced out of our lives, she got defensive for us saying how horrible he was and that he should have been there for us. I said, yes, GD had lost both her dad and my bf this year. I wanted to say... And you and please don't be quick to judge others if you have done the same. But I had no courage and didn't know how to say it nicely. I ended the call after an hour because I was exhausted and had people to meet. I sent a text to say thanks for gd money and another with pics showing what was bought with it. My mum has let me down before or gone silent (then entered back in our lives brushing it under the carpet because of our bad communication skills, but not contacting to say she's even thinking of us throughout this last year was too much and felt cruel, it hurt so much and I had been accepting of the situation and trying to move on without her.
With these calls, it has thrown me emotionally upside down and bought the hurt back at a time when my DD and I are grieving. I cannot understand her actions and I'm not able to emphasise on this one (a first).
If you are still reading and can help, I would appreciate as much input as possible as I want to know if it's worth starting anew, .
Can anyone help me try understand my mother's point of view and why she chose to act this way. Any tips on how to communicate gently so no feelings are hurt?
Nb. DD is now 9yo and I amicably separated from her Dad when she was 5yo. We were best friends and then were married for 10 years and decided it was for the best and became good friends after working and looking after each other for a year after the split.
My Mum and I have built a strained relationship from my teens. I always felt it was her way or the highway and felt she was hurt if I disagreed or gave my opinion, so when my DD arrived, I was eager for her to be a part of our lives and build a relationship with DD hoping it would be better for them. There is no bond there, I think my mum blames me for that as she once said I didn't allow her to see gd and I apologise and gave her the answer, I always gave and that was to come anytime, no need to make an arrangement, just call anytime and if we are available, then the two of them can amend time together whenever she wants. I had high hopes that she would show interest but she never bothered. Sad, but I accepted it.
