shell shocked

Nothing constructive to add, so just sending you kind thoughts x

Sending you best wishes. I know you are a nurse and have probably considered your husband is ill. Possibly quite bad depression or other mental health deterioration issues? You do have your life to live so please get some support for both of you. Does he have a cardiac rehab nurse? Sending best wishes.

You have lots of great advice , and I hope seeing the specialist and getting questions answered will help you decide where you go from here .
Hugs and best wishes

So much good advice here ! My husband has always been controllin (or trying to be !) .....but now with a diagnosis of vascular dementia and Parkinson's disease he is now aggressive as well. Many times I have thought of leaving ...but nowhere to go, and couldn't afford to, besides I would feel guilty .....SO I now control everything ...all the finances, the bills the household stuff, etc etc ...to stop him spending money on nothing all the time ! He is no too happy but he has to put up with it .....

I really does sound, as others have said, that this could be a medical problem ...will his doc discuss this with you I go to all appts with my OH ...he can no longer understand what is being said, anyway !.....the doctor tells me everything ....she gives me the results of tests, etc ...we get home, I explain to him what he has and how it will be managed ....he tells me I am lying ! He is in total denial ...maybe your husband is also in denial ?

On a worse case scenario, if it becomes intolerable ...begin to look at your options. If he has a long term or terminal illness, do you stay and look after him, on your terms ...do you find a care facility for him . do you do as suggested here, bring back your son to live with you and send him off to live in the flat ?......AND also, the option of divorce. You can prepare, even if it does not come to that ....make a file of everything you have paid for ....bills house maintenance, your bank account showing payments made ...any joint bank accounts ....your pension and your husband's pension .......any debts he has run up (especially any without your knowledge) so that you will have this to present to a solicitor if needed. Does he have a pension ...if so, you would be entitled to claim some of it (don't think the DWP pension counts).......

Preparation is the key ....DO NOT allow the bullying to continue, Ignore him and do your washing as and when you want, since you pay the bills there is little he can say ! take his clothes away and either wash them or throw them out if he does not bathe or shower for weeks on end ! If he protests, tell him they walked out .........

You could go to th CAB to find out exactly what your rights would be re the house, etc, financially , if you don't want to consult a solicitor (CAB used to have a legal advisor sometimes ...I know because my daughter did this whilst at Uni doing law ....she told me one day someone came in to ask what she would be entitled to on divorce ...I told her she should have said EVERYTHING !,,,she said Mother, I could not say that ! I said why not, that's what I did !)....but all these things may put your mind at rest as to the nitty gritty ......then it will be up to you to decide, after you have the results of these tests on 8 January, whether you stay or go. Housing associations and places like Anchor retirement housing (not old folks places, but flats etc in secure buildings) and Hanover Trust hav some decent places to rent ...... Good luck !

Hi Teddy111. I am so sorry to hear this. You paint a picture of something that has been going on for years, albeit bubbling under the surface where you could maybe ignore it, that is now clearly untenable. Don't waste time thinking what you should have done years ago, but focus on now. How you can make your life better. Your husband may have some psychological problems of whatever origin and only you can decide how much help you are prepared to be. His behaviour is unreasonable by any objective standard and it doesn't really matter what the origin is, it's very difficult to tolerate. I would have to say I have often heard men talking as though they are the sole provider when it is patently untrue. He is in denial of many aspects of the truth: who has been keeping your boat afloat all these years, the nitty-gritty of domestic and personal hygiene, and his illness. Maybe he's trying to gain some control by his behaviour. You were a nurse, I'm sure you know about false negatives/positives. You are not yet old - think of yourself and how you want your life to be. And how you can get there. With every best wish and lots of hugs.

Stand up to him! (not agrressively) Use the washing machine and anything else you wish to use when you want to. You might find he is actually worrying about something. If not .... I'd tell him to "shape-up or ship out".

Teddy please don’t do anything until you have more information from the hospital it really could be secondaries from the lung tumour people with brain tumours can completely change personality and become aggressive and if he has secondaries his life will be very limited He is saying they are wrong because he’s terrified You ve obviously loved. him for 25 years
It’s hard with your son not being very stable but his step father sounds a poorly man to me of course if you come back from the consultation with a clear diagnosis of nothing wrong then is the time to think what to do about his strange ways but please hold on till next week

Hi Teddy - this is awful for you but it could become much worse so you need to take steps now. I speak as someone with 10 years' experience of nursing a mum with dementia which is now advanced - she was always a kind gentle woman but now can be very aggressive and if her speech hadn't gone, she would also be very hurtful in what she says. So, my advice is to get your hubby checked out and if he resists then you have to face the decision as to whether to end your relationship. If he does have early onset dementia then this will only deteriorate and he may become violent towards you. He is clearly harbouring ill will towards your son who is obviously not his, and he must think that you are funding your son in some way and therefore detracting from his (hubby's) lifestyle. I have a miserly husband and it drives me crazy but I ignore it and we have separate finances although I am always having to over-ride the settings on the central heating. If he is otherwise fit and does have early onset dementia then you may have 30 years ahead of you with a cantankerous and controlling person - this will ruin your life completely, so be prepared for drastic action.

He behaves like this because you have allowed it to be this way, Teddy. Tell him you will use the machine when you feel you the need to and if he complains or tries to stop you that will be one less meal you cook for him every time until his behaviour improves. Move into a different room and tell him it's because he smells. Ignore his ranting, just don't give him an audience for it and if he threatens violence call the police or social services straight away. You do not have to put with this whether it is caused by an illness or whether it's just been a general progression made worse by retirement. A new year, a new you.

I really do feel tremendous empathy for you. I imagine this controlling behaviour did not appear suddenly but has been a feature of the relationship that you have lived with. That doesn’t make the situation any easier. I agree with others that you could exert your own control. He doesn’t bathe, you don’t sleep in the same bed. He only permits washing once a week, you find a launderette or on wash day you only do you own. Small steps, but maybe as you begin to take some steps of control, your confidence will grow. I do wish you well with this.

So sorry you are having such a tough time, sending love ???

I guess you are going to have to wait until after the 8th to see what is going on. Very good idea to discuss with your brother so that someone else knows exactly what is going on.

Teddy, heartfelt sympathy for you! Sadly, the bizarre behaviour would make me very suspicious of metastatic brain Ca. in view of large lung tumour. Behaviour like this can also be symptomatic of fronto-temporal dementia. Can you talk to your/his GP? Alternatively, you could go to/phone your nearest Maggie's Centre for advice.

As others have said, you are in a difficult and horrible situation but I think it's important not to make any decisions before you have know what the position is with regard to your husbands health, what is as a result of his personality and what may be due to illness. If you find you need to contemplate a future without him, do get legal advice before you do anything. Is your GP surgery able to help you access some form of counselling support?

I feel so sorry for you. Like you, I had a senior career in nursing/midwifery. I've heard of brain metastases causing behaviour change/personality change. You may not be looking at a long-term future anyway. Does that sound brutal? Sorry!

I think the words 'in sickness and in health' really don't cover the kind of things that can happen in the modern era, when illnesses that would have killed us off many years ago can now be survived, but not restored to full health. So many people have been treated of former lethal conditions, but never the same again, just sort of limping along.

That said, this is the kind of thing up with which I could not put (to quote Churchill). No one tells me when to put the washer on and all the rest. OK. If you're only going to bathe so infrequently then I will not sleep with you. As others have suggested, maybe you could go and stay with your son. Maybe not take it as far as divorce, but definitely split from someone who treats you like this. I could not live with it.

Bearing in mind that this man has cardiac health issues he could well be developing vascular dementia but adding a lung tumour to the equation would be enough to knock most people sideways.

I really think there could be a medical reason for this behaviour as it seems to have come out of the blue. Please try and get him checked out because you shouldn't have to put up with it.

Take care.

Sometimes situations can go on for years, and people need support until they are ready to move out of a situation or make a decision. Some never do and that can be lots of reasons e.g. financial, lack of self-esteem, self-worth,fear of being alone. Just a listening ear can be a comfort.

There is a good chance he bas a form of demrntia which has been triggered by his stay in hospital. As soon as you can get him to your GP who should arrange a psych. assessment. Go see your GP yourself first and exolain. Get a prescription for some anti anxiety medicine even if you dont take it. It will record your observations. Its never easy getting a loved one to a psych evaluation but wishing you strength.

Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, but as someone said earlier keep posting on here as there are lots of people who will support you! Good luck!

I'm so sorry. People sometimes say things that they don't really mean if they're ill but this sounds like something else. Whatever you decide to do there's plenty of emotional support on here for you.

So sorry TeddyIII. It does sound like the "cancer brain" talking - when my DH had lung cancer (large tumour right lung) it brought out the worst of his behaviour - rages, controlling, criticising etc. which had been present throughout our 43 years together but most of the time I ignored. In the year of his treatment he became withdrawn and tired and I became his carer - at times I felt he didn't know who I was. Previous to this we had talked of separating, but I really didn't want to leave. My mantra became - "In sickness and in health". It was hard going, but now I try to remember the good times. Good luck Teddy - let us know how you are doing.

Dear Teddy,
What an appalling situation! But, please, it might be the illness talking, not your husband expressing a long-standing hate for you. After all, why should he have stayed with you, if he hates you.

I know you are a nurse, but it can still be difficult to realise that your spouse is ill and that the illness is causing his changed behaviour. My father was a G.P. but surprised me by not realizing some of the implications during my mother's last illness.

But you are his wife, so in your place, I would start by asking for a private interview with your husband's G.P. and consultant. After all your husband is telling you there is nothing wrong, while the hospital has informed you both that he has a carcinoma in his lung. So did my sister, but she died of an inoperable brain carcinoma, and it did change her personality.

Is the house in your name, or his, or in your joint names?

the other respondents seem mainly to be advising divorce, but if you like a small minority, myself included, still believe that in sickness and in health meant precisely that in our wedding vows, then that won't be an option, but do look into practical things like getting help to care for your husband, whether you will be entitled to a widow's pension, consider a POA if your husband's mental state deteriorates. I know al this is hard to face, but knowing precisely where you stand will, I hope, give you some peace of mind.

Keep us posted, please.

This is so sad for you, but it certainly seems like it is a medical issue and nothing to do with you as such. I presume ne had an anaesthetic when he was in hospital and that can have a major effect on someone's personality added to which he has been very ill, and is probably scared that he is more seriously ill. I think nokkie is right you have to put things on hold until you know what you are facing.

? incipient alzheimers?