shell shocked

I agree with some of the previous comments. It sounds like the early sign of an illness or dementia. I would either stand up to him tell him in no uncertain terms that you intend to live your own life, or leave. What you are going through is domestic abuse. You could ask Women’s Aid for advice.

When you say bath every 3 weeks, can I assume you are allowed showers in between times or is he literally telling you to stay unwashed for 3 weeks?

I am so very sorry for you but this is fear talking. He is having to face the horrible fact that he has cancer and he is frightened he is going to die so he hits out and you are the nearest thing he can attack. My auntie is the same, I am the one that does things for her and she acts as though she hates me sometimes. Take control, do your washing etc and ignore whatever he says. Tell him you are in control until his illness is sorted out then you will talk. I would be surprised if the hospital will operate on a tumour that size and it could well have spread but you need a prognosis be strong and take control. Good luck.

Even if unsure of reasons why at present, do not be bullied or dictated to, stand your ground, calmly but firmly. It’s your home just as much as his and your feelings are of equal importance. Gone are the days when women do as they are told, we have our own minds and we use them. Giving in to “ controllers” just makes them worse. If it’s a medical condition, the behaviour still needs to be addressed or your life will be so unhappy. New year, new choices for you ?

Dear Teddy111, I feel for you, it was hard for me to accept the man I loved and supported in his career and through 3 serious illnesses for over 40 years didn't give a fig about me. This man is abusing you and owes you big style, chuck him out! Sounds as if he has savings and a pension you have a right to half of your joint assets, whether he likes it or not. If it comes to a divorce opt for a mediation service, they are cheaper and more sympathetic, solicitors are expensive and caused me a lot of unnecessary heartache. Good luck to you, you deserve better.

Whatever happened to 'in sickeness and in health'

He sounds terrified of his health issues to me, and trying to save money, is just his way of seizing some control over future events.

Wait and see what his appt. results are before you stick a brute' label on him.

Morning Teddy
Sorry for your dilemma. How did your NYE go with your Son coming over? How awful that his dad hates him, no wonder he has a drink problem. Why don't you send your husband to live in your Son's flat and your Son live with you Win win situation. If your husband is ill, then hard to turn your back on him now, when you've been together for 25yrs, but if he did live in your Son's flat, you could still care for him, but not live with him. Good luck.

You of course are not going to pay any attention to these ‘rules’ and do exactly what you want to do - which might include asking him to leave.

I agree it might be a mental issue, the beginning of dementia for example. But you have options. List them and then decide what you want to do.

Sorry to hear of your problems Teddy, this sort of thing is so hard to live with. People who are mean with money are usually mean in other ways e.g. with their affection.
I can only echo what others have said and find out if there is a medical issue. Even if this is the case you need to consider your options and find some help and support. I wish you well.

Teddy, what an awful situation for you. I can't add to the advice on here already, but sending

What a truly sad situation. No one should have to go through this. Consider all your options, work out your finances, when you see a true picture of your position, then decide what it is you do want. You have to look after yourself. Wish I could help.?

As a former nurse you're probably well aware of the health issues your OH is facing and that this could be early dementia - although the sleeping in a lay by to save money does sound as if this is part of his natural behaviour. The question boils down to whether you want to spend the rest of your days with this man and care for him through his illness. It will be a hard decision to make but I think for your own health and welfare it's something you need to seriously consider.

I'm sure teddy has posted before that her relationship is rocky, and her husband not always the nicest, so I'm not sure its an 'out of the blue' thing.. still horrible though.

I m another who thinks it could all connect with lung tumour and brain secondaries best to hold hard till hes seen the consultant I hope for his and your sake it’s not but it does seem a possibility
Good luck

Don't make any decision at the moment, see what transpires on the 8th January.
I am assuming his behaviour is totally out of character, if it is not then mull thru your options.
I personally would not be bullied out of my home by this selfish brute.

Teddy111 I do think there is a medical problem here - either early dementia or problems from the lung tumour.

Teddy111, when my friend was diagnosed with lung cancer, it had spread to her brain. I understand that this is not an uncommon site for a secondary cancer where the primary is in the lungs so this could be affecting his behaviour. Like Luckygirl I also think it could alternatively be a symptom of dementia. As you say you are the main bill payer in the family so it does seem odd for him to see himself as having to support you. The fact that a CT scan did not pick up the growth, proves nothing. CT scans are not full body scans and depending on where in his lungs the tumour is, it may not have covered that area of his lungs or it is possible if his problem was with his heart, or his lungs were congested the doctors were not looking for a tumour and may not have noticed it.

I think you would be wise to talk it through with someone like your brother who knows and understands the situation and can help you clear your mind and decide on a course of action. My feeling is that it might be better not to decide on a course of action until your H has seen the specialist and the prognosis for his cancer is clear. Talk to his GP, if you can about, your H being assessed for possible dementia.

In the meanwhile, keep posting, many people in situations similar to yours have found that being able to post on GN has helped them and we all are here to give you the support and (sometimes conflicting) advice you seek.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to give me thoughts of goodwill and advice.It has really heartened me.
I will have to examine my options,very carefully.I was always confident and optimistic.I will discuss this with my brother,not to burden him,just for his opinion. So unpleasant,it has shaken me.

Gosh I think I d go and have New a Year with your son in his flat you said your husband hates him won’t that just cause more upset
It does sound as if your husband could be very ill if he has a lung tumour which in turn could have brain involvement, (depending if it’s malignant or not of course) I m surprised the doctor dropped that into the conversation without giving more information perhaps you ll hear more on the 8th. Will you be going with him ?
If he’s always been so tight and controlling I m surprised you are surprised it just sounds as if it’s normal to him but increased lately, maybe it’s more about the sentence that he’s not going to be looking after you in old age but if you ve always been the main bread winner he may not see it as anything changing
Sad all round

This does sound an intolerable situation - however, I would agree with others that it could be caused by illness or by being terrified of what may be wrong with him.
His behaviour sounds irrational and, as Luckygirl said, could it be the onset of dementia too?

Maybe he is unwell but, personallyspeaking, I don't think I could stand living with someone who was so dictatorial and spiteful. Perhaps you should think about making some alternative living arrangemnents, if at all possible.

Just going to creep out and go and pick my son up for the New Year.He has nowhere else to go.

Oh dear Teddy this all sounds so awful for you. I have no advice - sorry - but send you my best wishes and a {{hug}}. I really hope things improve for you in the future xx

Having read your last post now Teddy I wonder if he could have some cerebral involvement if he has a neoplasm. You give examples of quite extreme parsimony. Very hard to live with I’m sure. I do sympathise, horrible for you. X

Teddylll I think you should rule out any medical condition causing this personality change. At least discuss it wil your GP and try to find an excuse for your husband to be seen afterward. You should not just accept this behaviour, feel so sorry to read what you are going through. X