Widowed father and friend

This sounds a very unhealthy situation to me - this lady is said to answer questions that were addressed to the OP's dad, and generally be very overbearing. I do think there are some people who prey on the lonely and this particular scenario rings some warning bells for me.

I'm not quite sure what the answer is. I feel that it probably wouldn't be advisable to issue any sort of ultimatum or to indicate that this person's presence is not welcome. Perhaps make more regular visits (and I agree with the idea if two or more of you could visit together it would be better as she cannot then monopolise the conversation). Stay for longer if the lady is not there - and perhaps your dad could come and stay for short periods.

Next time she answers for your Dad, say politely but firmly "I'm sorry, I did not ask you. I want to hear what Dad thinks."

Most overpowering women need to be made aware that you are not going to put up with their behaviour. Try to do so pleasantly or jokingly.

I feel sorry for the woman who has been judged as a 'gold digger' and nobody knows her circumstances. They met at a 'bereaved' group. Surely she must be grieving too?

I'm not sure I'm going to be positive here though, sorry! It's a difficult one. I can't help but wonder if your father may be in above his head and might appreciate your help in taking this relationship down a notch, or even extricating himself from it. Does he actually seem happy?
Perhaps he too is being overwhelmed by this woman? You really need to get him on his own and have a proper talk about it, not to tell him what to do but to find out whether he's happy with the situation.

Very cheering to read the people with the positive posts despite a bad time so far in '18. It is hard to be positive and upbeat when life has become difficult and we can all get lost in the misery inside our heads. I always value talking to people who may have similar trials so just wanted to say thank you to those who are able to find a positive. I wish you all the same abilities to do that however long it takes.

I agree with Alexa. Your father hopefully, has many years yet ahead of him and his relationships are his own business. If this lady is fussy and a bit bossy, so be it, unless he objects. He may like being ‘organised’ and fussed over. As for her “acting as she knows him” better than you. She probably sees a different side to him than you do. When I came into my husbands life 9-years-ago, his mother gossiped to other members of the family that I was ‘too pushy’. I am assertive (not aggressive). After a time, I certainly knew him better than his family did. An older man doesn’t tend to reveal his inner most secrets and desires outside of a relationship with a partner.

Imagine if you had someone new in your life and everybody backed off because they didn't like him. You would be very hurt and feel abandoned which would make your partner even more important to you. Your Dad has lost his wife, don't help him lose his family too.
Why don't your family invite your Dad out for coffee or lunch so they don't risk this woman turning up? Then they could tactfully find out how your Dad feels about her. It may be that he is feeling overwhelmed by her or it may be he is very happy with her and you could all support him whichever way it was.
I think it is natural to feel discombobulated seeing your Dad with a new friend instead of your Mum but his happiness should mean more than your own feelings. There are all sorts of strategies you could use to gently put this woman back in her box if she is over powering, you really don't need to run away. As someone said, she might be over compensating for nerves and things might get better once she feels more accepted.

Hello there, my mum too died almost three years ago, she and my step dad were married nearly 40 years, but just three months after Mum died, my step dad had a lady move in with him, he's 80 now, and seems very happy, who am I to stand in his way, i think he deserves to be happy, although i have never met her as they live in Australia, but have spoken to her numerous times, I wish them well for the time they have left together.

I dont think anyone should be interfering, really. I would be really really angry if my family took it on themselves to make decisions about who I could or couldn't be friends or get involved with.

Can you ask Father if she is a gold digger. Presumably Father has some wits about him?

Don't upset/desert your dad...tolerate his "friend" for his sake but keep a close eye on things from a distance.

Perhaps tackle it another way and have a quiet word with the lady in question and ask her to respect the limited time you can spend with your Dad and there are occasions when you need to discuss private family matters with him. If she refuses then question her motive.

LongHaulNan's suggestion is just right, find out a bit more about her. I have a girlfriend who takes over but her last husband seems to love it, bizarre. Whilst your there, if she does talk over him, say something like - Wow, that's good, I didn't see Dad's lips move. Try to steer her towards more appropriate behaviour, if she is answering for him, she is disabling him, fast track dementia. Good luck hope it works out.

Do as eazybee says- excellent advice- but I would also mention to your father that you find her company overbearing and ask him, if she is going to be important to him, to advise her that if she would like to fit into the family better she needs to moderate her behaviour. He may then say that she is only a friend and, in that case the family can exclude her from all future family visits.

My alarm bells would be going off as well, she sounds like a Mrs Featherstone (Open All Hours/Still Open All Hours). Still, if she seems to be welcome in your father's life, you might want to try asking her to join you for a tearoom cuppa and cake - just her and you and your sisters.

Getting to know her on your own without your dad's presence would give you a better opportunity to evaluate her personality and potential agenda concerning your father. Hopefully you'll find out she's comfortably off and doesn't realise she is coming across as overbearing.

You might find, otoh, you're right to be concerned - unless she's a professional level schemer (and they are out there, sadly) she might well expose herself as a gold-digging moo, and if that happens you all will be able to protect your father's interests knowing just where she's coming from.

Ask your sisters to reconsider (and your nephew). Visit as often as you can, make some of these just drop ins, where you turn up unexpectedly. Go in pairs if you can and one of you try to get this woman out of the room while the other chats to your dad. Be as nice as you can to her and make her very aware that you aren't going away. If she really cares for your dad she will welcome you and may become less controlling. If she has other motives and she realises you will stick with your dad she might well disappear.

Your dad may well be happy with this domineering woman but I would be very careful in case he's being almost bullied by her and too kind/vulnerable to tell her to behave more appropriately. Good advice above to take him out on his own if that's possible and certainly to visit more often when this person is there in order to monitor the situation.

He may not wish to marry again but maybe he just misses female company. We had a similar thing with my late father who befriended a woman at the British Legion. They may have held hands in the back of a taxi but it didn't go any further. My sister was very put out as no-one could replace Mum. On the cynical side I'd advise keeping an eye on developments.

radicalnan I love your post!
Something like what happened to my FiL.

beddars24
You have every right to be concerned.Your father is 78 and losing his wife has left a void. In his loneliness your dad is vulnerable and this new lady friend appears to have' taken over'. As you do not live as near as your sisters can you not arrange for dad to be at your sisters and you can then visit him there..'She' can hardly turn up without prior invitation .You will have your father with his family on your own and can ask how he feels about this person and talk as a family without this woman taking over.

radicalnan hear hear.

Surely if they both met in a 'bereaved group' they were both in the same situation? Gosh, some of the labels this new woman has been given! and none of us knows her situation. How do we know that she was not left comfortably off by the loss of her partner? and all she wants is companionship? we don,t. Unless any of us as walked in your dad's shoes 'fifty years of marriage and nursing his wife in the last few' leave him be to enjoy what he as left and just hope that one day you arnt in the same situation. There are too many lonely old people in this country.

If this new relationship/friendship goes wrong for any reason it will be you and the rest of the family who pick up the pieces so you must resist all temptations now to back away. The advice to become even more prominent in your dad's life is good advice because whether you like his new friend or not, more exposure to her will teach you more about her and vice versa. I would recommend spending time with her, widening your conversation and in a very natural way talking about your mum and her relationship over the 50 years with your dad, about the relationships within your family unit, and then progress to ask about hers - it she is trying to dominate your dad that might be because she had that relationship with her own husband, and if she is trying to exclude you and your family it might be because she doesn't have the same family network to support her. Whatever, do not become estranged. You have to allow him to make new friendships but at the same time you have to protect him. Bereavement groups are undoubtedly meeting places for people wishing to make new relationships (as opposed to bereavement counselling which focuses on assisting the bereaved person through his/her grief), so it seems to me that this lady is definitely on the look-out for a new relationship and may be very selfish in trying to secure that. Sorry to drone on but you must find out more about her, her background, her nature and her intentions. becomes flawed with age in many people.

My dad met someone after my mum died and was very happy for 17 years with her until she died.

He then moved back to his own home and his new cleaner, looked like Goldie Hawn and was herself very well off and younger than me.

They had a love affair that gave him a new lease of life. Turbulent it was, like a teenage affair, she kept him on his toes.

My sister didn't like it but dad was happy and I was happy for him.

The new lady in your dad's life is also bereaved and may feel insecure and nervous. She sounds a bit like the old ladies in 'Last of the Summer Wine' some old girls are a bit like that proprietorial.

I have a friend who is experiencing exactly the same feelings about her father's new relationship, when I ask her if he can live with her she shudders, she just want to get rid of the new woman, as she doesn't take to her. Would you rather that your dad was lonely?

OK there are gold diggers out there, we are all at risk of being in reltionships where we may be exploited, whatever our age.

If your dad is of sound mind and happy, what he does with his time, affections and money is his business.

Our 'Goldie Hawn' saw my dad through some very hard times and I shall always be grateful, that he had that last fall of romance and excitement in his life.

I would pop round to see your dad often and make his new lady feel valued, you may be glad of her in time. It is hard to settle into the culture of another family especially after bereavment, you, your siblings and dad are all grieving the same person, anyone new will struggle to find the right space. She probably feels awkward.

I did worry that my dad was 'down' sometimes when he rowed with Goldie but who wouldn't want to revisit the vitality of love, when the alternative was watching Countdown??

It is a common phenomenon that if a man has had a long and happy marriage, he is desperate to recreate what was familiar to him. Sometimes judgement may be impaired. If he does not feel pressured and takes time to get to know the new person properly then he can make a more rational decision.
It is very difficult when we love our parent and want to protect them.
Sadly both my parents died in their mid-fifties, but if my father had been left alone I would have been frantic at the idea of another woman coming into his life. I adored him and would have been very over-protective of him. Irrational but very human,