Widowed father and friend

It is a common phenomenon that if a man has had a long and happy marriage, he is desperate to recreate what was familiar to him. Sometimes judgement may be impaired. If he does not feel pressured and takes time to get to know the new person properly then he can make a more rational decision.
It is very difficult when we love our parent and want to protect them.
Sadly both my parents died in their mid-fifties, but if my father had been left alone I would have been frantic at the idea of another woman coming into his life. I adored him and would have been very over-protective of him. Irrational but very human,

Long story short. We have a friend that was taken to the cleaners by an older woman who said she shared all the same interests. They married and she took his money and funded the lives of her own children and salted away money in secret accounts. When she had accrued sufficient she walked out on him taking everything of value from the house including his medal from the Queen, also went to court to get half his pension ( and I am not talking state pension but a very considerable one from a professional career ) I think she was with him for a couple of years, I think she must have been a criminal mastermind to systematically fleece him so thoroughly.

I agree with Tegan2 do not allow this person to alienate you from your father. As David1968 says keep a watching brief over his finances if you can.

My father in law married again, we all went to the wedding and he was very happy. Unfortunately the lady died of cancer, Father in law then took up with another lady. as they were then getting older and finding organising life more difficult we went on holiday with them twice. Eventually my father in law could not manage and the daughter of the lady friend needed to help her mother who was loosing her sight.

The final outcome was that each of them came to live with their respective relatives. So it is difficult to say what the future holds. any one needs friends and companionship and as family members I feel you need to stay in there and cope with the relationships which happen. Good luck.

I can imagine how you feel ..... A bit like (some of) our parents felt when we brought home a new partner they weren't too keen on.

Am also wondering if she's so loud and overbearing because she actually feels a little nervous in front of the family and is overcompensating!

As long as he's happy has to be the main consideration. Good luck x

What would ring warning bells with me too is if she deliberately makes sure she is there or arrives when you are visiting and then cuts your Dad off from talking with you. A genuine friend would appreciate that you need some time together as a family, especially after losing your mother quite recently. Why is she always around? Unless she's moved in with him, hasn't she a home of her own? If she's just a dreadfully insensitive, but "live out" friend , then I agree with eazybee who said you have to tell her firmly but courteously that you need some time with your Dad on your own.

- and keep a careful eye on his finances if you can.

I get where you're coming from ,my MIL has a "friend" who she sees regularly ,who she goes away for weekends with and who none of us can stand.He is the most obnoxious man,the total opposite of FIL and he tries to influence everything she does.He even tried to tell her we shouldn'd have POA as we would "take her money"which is totally ridiculous.WE are lucky as this awful man is still married ...although he claims it was a marriage of convenience and he and his wife have never lived as man and wife.I completely understand where the OP is comng from,her dad is looking for company and at the stage of grief he's in ANY company will do .I'd certainly tell him how she feels ,before she's landed with this awful woman as a stepmum and loses her dad

I advise caution. Like Tegan2 I know of a situation (close to my family) where a younger lady "befriended" a much older man, had all his savings, lived rent-free in his house, and was left most of his assets in his Will. She alienate This is such a potentially tricky situation. Best to keep up communications and regular contact with your dad -

I know of a man who was widowed and took up with a woman who sounds much the same. Overbearing, bossy, and a know it all. His friends and family have gradually been pushed out until they're on the periphery of his life, and she tells him what he can and can't eat, etc. The thing is though, that he is happy with her. He was totally lost without his wife, and this woman came along and has filled the gap, albeit a bit (lot) too overwhelmingly.

As someone who lives alone I can go for days without having a conversation with someone as a result when I am with people I have to stop myself from taking over the conversation! Could this be the case with your Father's friend? Having said that I think you should continue to visit when she is there to ensure she is not trying to take over other aspects of his life

You have to take control of the situation and be blatantly honest about it. Tell your Dad that you want him to be happy but explain in depth how she makes you all feel. You are fully entitled to see your Dad without her and if she forces the issue I would tactfully tell her your reasons why she is excluded. Some people do not respond to subtle and their feelings override all others, so be blunt. If she genuinely values the family she will take on board what you say and reach a compromise. If she doesn't, it’s proof that she has ulterior controlling motives.

This is where a family comes into its own. Visit more, not less, and visit in pairs, then you can control the conversation; invite your father to your own homes without her. If she turns up when you come to visit, meet her at the door and say terribly politely, that you are discussing sensitive family issues and firmly usher her out.
Your father is probably very lonely and glad of her companionship, but the fact that she takes over, interrupts your time with him and speaks for him definitely rings alarm bells. How she, and he, respond to your actions, will give you an insight into their relationship.
You all have to agree to spend more time with him if you possibly can.

"overpowering, a bit of a know all and acts as if she knows dad more than us. " I can think of a lot worse. Maybe your father likes bossy know it alls. Some old men cannot stand the company of old sweety- wives who talk trivialities all the time.

This man's relationships are his own business, unless he is royalty and even then the royals are a lot more liberal than they used to be.
You may of course tell your father that you don't like or trust her. But please be kind and supportive to the man himself whether he is happy or unhappy.

I’d be tempted to point out her rudeness as Jane10 suggests (and keep doing so) if only to see what her reaction is. You need to deal with the situation and take back some kind of control as the last thing you want is to feel you cannot visit your father when she is there.

That way she is driving you away, and it’s quite possibly deliberate.

It’s not that you object to her as a companion for your father, but rather that you and your sisters are getting the distinct impression she is trying to take him over and drive a wedge between you all.

And yes, if you can, see more of you father by himself. If you live a way away then invite him for dinner and to stay overnight perhaps.

It's a pity that this new woman is so blooming insensitive! You'd think she might notice how you all feel about her however well you try to hide it.
Could you convey to her less subtly how you find her eg if she interrupts sigh loudly or say 'as I was trying to say' etc. I don't suppose she'd notice though or she wouldn't have developed into the personality she has. I do hope she's on GN btw...

I would suggest that rather than seeing your father less, you all try to see him more. Especially while his friend is there!

That way you may mitigate any potential problems but also you may find that you have misjudged the woman. Either way, if you leave him alone with her you have no idea what is going on.

Invite them both for Sunday lunch (or whatever) which will reinforce the family connection with you father both for him but also for her.

If you see less of your father it opens the door for his friend to see more of him.

I would be very concerned for his welfare. I agree with OPs to invite him-on his own-for lunch, outings etc so he isn't "putting all his eggs in one basket" with this lady AND it would give you opportunity to talk to him (kindly) about it and where he sees it going.

Luckygirl My immediate thoughts were of someone trying to befriend a lonely person and using their money or marrying for the house.

"Nasty suspicious social workers mind" syndrome is always there.

Unfortunately many vulnerable lonely people are caught out by unscrupulous people and if the bereaved person is happy to have "a friend" it is often very difficult to prove the victim has been exploited.

When my mother died my father asked almost all of the 'suitable' ladies he knew to marry him and we were so grateful that they all turned him down. A widower father of a friend of DH did the exact same thing and unfortunately one lady accepted.The marriage lasted just over two weeks and it was amazingly difficult for the families to undo what was done so quickly. The ramifications are huge and not to be taken lightly.
I wonder if rather than a statement about your feelings regarding the lady in question then a few simple questions to your father Bedders might be helpful. Perhaps you could ask him if he is planning a new life or how he sees things in his future, even whether he feels the need for a woman to run his life for him now. He may think a new marriage will be a replay of his marriage to your mum but this is totally unrealistic.
We have an elderly relative whose wife died about 18 months ago and he seems to think that he is irresistible to all women of any age (including our DD who is half his age and sees him as a Grampy) and that even at 84 he is a real catch! Apparently this is fairly common according to the staff in the retirement complex where he lives. This is indeed a potential minefield even when there are no money issues or inheritance thoughts

Does your dad seem to notice how she is?

Not worried about money at all, that doesn't concern any of us. Really the fact that she is so overpowering, when she is there it is impossible to have a conversation without her answering for my dad or taking over the conversation. It is making visiting uncomfortable - it is all difficult to know what to do without upsetting somebody.

If someone is in sound mind though, they may leave their money to anyone they choose.

I'd be a bit wary. It could all be totally innocent but my uncle left everything to a younger woman who befriended him and got him to change his will. I agree that it's important not to lose touch with him especially as, if this woman isn't trustworthy she'll start to try to alienate him from you.

I agree with Eglantine don't spoil this for your father if he is happy. You can have time with him in your own homes maybe.

Could your sisters as they live closer try to get to know her better,maybe they may change their opinion. Sometimes you can get it wrong. Your dad would hate to have to choose, and it could spoil the relashionship you have. He may need the company, and probably hasn’t noticed the things you all don’t like in this woman. Maybe next time you visit you could treat dad to lunch just the two of you,and catch up that way.