Widowed father and friend

Good point Eglantine, our children sometimes seem to think they own us. They fly the nest but we aren't supposed to want anything. Poor old chap, 78 and on his own for 3 years, I hope he enjoys himself.

OP try to be generous, you sound quite jealous that he has found someone, maybe you think it is disrespectful to your late mother but I don't think it is. It is probably because he misses your mother so much that he wants a new companion.

What did he say when you decided to marry and move away to lead your own life with someone new?

Did he say your husband had caused a massive upset to the family and you were now doing things that you hadn't done before.

Or was he glad for you? And wished you happy.

Having doting grown up children is not the same as having someone of 'your own' I don't think.
You may feel upset, but, well, its up to your dad to live his life as he sees fit, whilst he's still able to.

My sister and her children live 5 minutes away and visit EVERY day, my other sister lives about half an hour away and visits at least three times a week, I phone twice a day and visit monthly, my children also visit- he wouldn't come and stay with me as he would not want to be away from the others, we really couldn't as a family do anything more. We have always been so close but this woman is causing a massive amount of upset, he would never go abroad with my mum. So no we do not ever leave him on his own for even a day - but if I phone and she is there he cuts the phone call short, she turns up and takes over if my sister is there, to be honest we feel pretty upset by the whole thing.

Your Dad is spreading his wings a little Bedders24 be happy for him. I don't understand either why you think this is not right for him.

So have you asked him to come and stay with you. One week in four say. Your sisters could have him to stay as well so that would be three weeks out of four he wasn't alone.
Ormaybe he could move n with one of them permanently
Or you could move down to live with him.

Have you and your sisters already booked your this year's holidays with him? Let's say two lots of two weeks each. He'll have a nice lot of holidays to look forward to with you.

None of those things?

You think he should be on his then and grateful for an occasional visit.

Seriously how do you think he should be spending his life?

Why do you not want your dad to have a 10 day holiday abroad?
When you say its not the right thing to do, what exactly do you mean?

I don't really understand why you don't want him to go, but
I would wait a few days before you do anything, you might say something in the heat of the moment that you will regret later.

I have tried to take the advice on board, I live 3 hours drive from my dad so can't visit on a weekly basis but my sister's have kept visiting and trying to carry on as normal.

But .... this morning my dad has said he is going abroad with the woman for 10 days holiday - I am afraid this took me by surprise so I didn't say anything but I am besides myself- I am trying not to act like a spoilt brat as I am in my 50's not a child but this has really upset me as well as my sisters, I know it sounds silly but I really feel as if I can't even speak to him at the moment as I don't want to say anything that I will regret whilst I am so upset.

I really don't want to stop him having a life and friends and to be honest even a weekend in this country wouldn't have been so bad but to go abroad ( he is not a traveller) to stay with this bossy, overpowering woman's relative just feels too much and not the right thing to do. Just don't know what to say - really don't want to come across as selfish.

I'm with you geeljay!

We humans are a vulnerable bunch, being tossed to and fro during our lives and loves. In the end, we each have to do what feels right for us, especially as older age embraces us, I think none of us want to be lonely. So if we are lucky enough to meet someone who cares, just a little, how can it be wrong to enjoy a genuine friendship, in our later years. Be lucky.

I've just remembered that eldest son's FiL is in the same situation. His wife, a lovely woman , died of motor neurone disease about 10 years ago. He got friendly with her physio, who was also on her own, and they've been together since then.
I think he might have had people questioning her motives (I never did), because he explained to me, he didn't think she was a gold digger because she had capital from the sale of her house. I don't think she is either. They're good companions.

paddyann I was 60 when my husband died unexpectedly. I know what you are saying as I also never wanted nor expected to meet anyone else I would be the slightest bit interested in. I am lucky in so far as I have always been good in my own company, so although alone I didn't really suffer from loneliness.
However, by chance I met this widower and it was like being struck by a bolt of lightening. It was the last thing I ever expected especially at the age of 70! It has caused me shock and considerable emotional stress. If our friendship is all I get from this relationship, it will still be like gold to me. Like you, I also believe that other people's feelings have to be taken into account.

Greengage maybe I look at it differently because I come from along line of women widowed young...ish .late 30's.50's and 60's who never even looked at another man my Gran was a widow twice as long as she had been a wife and as far as I'm aware she was perfectly happy ,busy ,involved in politics and her church and with her family .As was her mother before her and hers and my mother who was widowed in her 60's and lived till her 80's.I cant even imagine ever looking for someone else if my OH dies before me ,I do appreciate thet others think differently but I do think some respect for family should be shwn.I know a man who moved a woman into his home just 2 MONTHS after his wife died.Her parents in particular were devastated as they felt he'd just wiped out her memory .Being selfish is never good in my opinion

I don't mx the lover and the family except for Christmas and the odd occasion in the year.
I've known him for eight years now and it seems to work just fine.
Actually I don't expect their partners to be my best friends either (though one of them comes close to it) and I certainly wouldn't expect my family to be the ones to decide when I should or shouldn't enjoy the company of anyone.
I'd recommend the OP and her sisters make arrangements to see their dad on their own and let him enjoy the company of his friend when he has time and space in his busy family diary!

That sounds a lovely arrangement, greengage, it must be so nice to have someone special to spend time with. However slowly or quickly you want to take things. That was my point. Its up to each person how things progress, and rightly so.

Greengage I think you are right, widowers in general do seem to be more 'needy' than widows and many seek new relationships very quickly, although there are exceptions to that.

paddyann MissAdventure I can only speak from my own experience. In the 10+ years I have been widowed, I have never wanted to look for or find another man. It was my husband I missed.
From everything I have read and heard from others, men tend to 'move on' much faster than women and consider 6 months a perfectly acceptable time to start 'looking around'. In fact one friend of mine knows a man who married just 5 months after the loss of a much loved wife.
I met my friend completely by chance and 'fell' for him instantly which came as a complete shock to me! He had only been widowed a few months and was not 'looking around' at the time as he was finding the loss of his wife very difficult. However, we just clicked naturally and are taking our new friendship very gently which suits both of us and our families.

Do try to visit more often - your father may realise then that she is trying to 'take him over' - or he may not.
I would try not to cause a family rift over this because that is probably what could happen. He is probably very lonely and this woman may have the best of intentions or she may have 'zoned in' on his vulnerability.

It does ring warning bells for me too, so you need to keep in contact - and try not to criticise her to him because he may become defensive about the relationship and rely on her even more.

Is he replacing their mum? I never saw it like that when my widowed mother remarried and this couple aren't even getting married, unless I missed that bit.

I certainly wouldn't hang around if I was in my late 70s in case it upset my 'children'.

I think under three years is too soon for AC to accept their father is "replacing" their mother.The age of the AC doesn't come into it ...it was still their mum...and they should let their dad know how they feel .I wouldn't have a lot of respect for anyone who tried to replace a life partner of 50 years in less than that number of months .You have to be considerate of ALL the family

And Greengage that is exactly the way to go. You are both showing you understand the feelings of your family.

I am a widow of over 10 years standing and relatively recently met a newly widowed gentleman. We got on extremely well from the moment we met but I was very aware that his family might have problems with our friendship so short a time after the loss of their mother. We only see each other occasionally and both our families are fine with this. I would love to see more of him but wouldn't dream of trampling on the feelings of others to do so, however hard that might be for me.

I am in a similar position to your dad. If he is like me, and lost the one he loved, his overriding feeling is of loss and loneliness. I really miss the companionship of a female. Whilst no one could ever replace the one I lost, and even tho I have children, the loneliness is that of desolation. I have a fabulous friendship and love of my family, and my new 'friend', also a widow, is great fun for me. Please don't infringe your love of your dad. If 'she' is half worth it, she will understand your concerns. Be lucky. You are maybe right to 'be aware'.