DIL Thinks she does no wrong

Hi Chris and welcome
As a grandmother I can understand the you miss your triplet DGC.

We have a two year old Grandson that because of distance and fitting in with my DIL schedule, we only see him every couple of months.
We miss him so much and we are looking forward to being able to face time or chat on the phone when he is a little older.
We do sometimes have photo updates.

My grandparents also lived a distance away but I had very loving relationship with them.
We exchanged letters, and they sent comics
(Teen Mags later on) and my lovely grandpa alwaty sent me a new book for my birthday which he wrote 'To * from your loving Grandpa".
He is gone but I still have the books.

Our grandparents always showed an interest in me and my sister.
We plan to do the similar with our little DGC.

What I am trying to say is it is important to keep a loving relationship going through what ever communication lines are available to you.
Letters, with interesting photos children love silly jokes,
Happy phone calls,
small gifts such comics
if you are lucky some smiley face time.

Its not about the state of your son's marriage or that your DiL lives with her parents.
These are things that you have no control over.
Make memories with your DGC.

Good luck

She asked him to take off and he did.
As for his job the closest to get a transfer is Atlanta, GA.
He works for UPS, and they have a hub there.

Sorry Chris our posts crossed, only just seen the above from you.

So if he knocks on her door without speaking to her before or making any prior arrangements that he was arriving I m presuming they are estranged
You say she has been in Florida two and a half years so this is not a new separation? but in your original post you said she went last Christmas and didn’t come back ? I m still finding all this quite a muddle but it’s easy to see that you are very concerned by whatever it is that’s happening I think your husband and his wife should have some mediation or court action to at least get him some visitations because it sounds as if she has returned to her family and left your son for good
As for any sleeping arrangements in Florida that’s really not anyone business but her unless a court deems it’s too overcrowded

Its awful sad you are not as hands on with the triplets as you wan to be,but I don't think this makes your DIL a bad person.Her Mother is always going to come first,sorry but those are the facts of the matter. I would bite your tongue as you risk upsetting your DD and not seeing the children at all.

Flump made a very good point, about the enormous amount of work for the mum with the triplets and no wonder she wants to be with her mum & family, to get the help.
If husband works from home, couldn't they relocate to Florida, then the wife is near her mum & family for the help and support and dad gets to see his C all the time, especially Xmas. Of course this wouldn't be so good for Chris and her GC would then be a flight away, but aside from that, everyone happy.

Ok people the triplets are 6 years old. As for my Son making it down to see them this year. Let me tell you what happen. He knock on the door, she answer and ask the heck you doing here. (well she did not use heck) and had to stay in hotel. She ask him to take time off, he did. Oh she been in Florida for 2 1/2 years, living with her parents. Oh their house only has 2 bedrooms. Come on where is everyone sleeping? The triplets are 2 boys and 1 girl. Soon that little girl will want her privacy.
Just found out he had Christmas up since 2016 waiting for his family to come home and never did.

I'm so sorry Chris. I know it hurts you not to see your gc on Christmas and for so many months afterwards. If I'm reading correctly, dil was in NJ the rest of the year for those first 3 years. Did you see the triplets during that time? She might have felt that was fair enough.

I agree with those posters who say dil probably runs to her mother because she needs help and support. I'm not clear on whether she accepted the help you offered or not. But chances are, she's more comfortable getting help from someone she loves and who loves her, such as her mother or your ds (dear son).

Bottom line, though, this sounds like a marriage problem, not a mil/dil problem. I think both you and her mum are wise to sit tight and keep quiet while the young couple sorts this out. Adding your own voices to the mix would only cause more angst and perhaps lead to estrangements down the road.

Hoping this all works out in a way that the children can have a relationship with both parents and both sets of gps. xx

The relationship your son has with his wife and triplets doesn't sound very healthy, to be honest.

However, it is THEIR problem to sort out and as the mother of the triplets (hard work!) you can understand why she wants to be with her folks.

Yes, I can also understand how difficult it is for one set of grandparents to seem the favoured ones. It hurts if you cannot see your GC regularly.

Circumstances are what they are unfortunately. If your family don't live close by you are not going to see an awful lot of the children as they grow.

Please don't make this a battleground and become resentful. It won't help your son and it certainly won't endear you to your DIL. Your son has to sort this out.

Good luck.

I thought the poster was in America she writes in a US style with Mom etc

I feel for you but my daughter had twins and I remember how hard she found that, constantly exhausted because they never sleptvatvthe same time. Her sister and I gave her as much help as we possibly could and it was still really hard, I can't imagine what it's like with 3.

Your son appears to have missed out but surely he can take regular leave with his job? Why didn't he fly to be with his wife and children? Long term wasn't it possible for him to get another job in another state so they could be together? Why has this situation gone on so long, is nobody talking to each other and are you not allowed to fly to America to visit? I do feel sorry for you not seeing the children, that is very distressing for you but there are lots more questions to be answered before we can all understand what's been going on.

I apologise but I find the post really hard to understand Does you son have another daughter ( he was teaching his daughter to ride her bike) or is she one of the triplets
So do you all live in New Jersey but your daughter in law comes from Florida and goes back each Christmas to visit her family her Mother stayed in her place for three years Is that in New Jersey ? so how old are the triplets? you mention school so are they over 5 ? But now she has gone back for to Florida for good and your son doesn’t know if his marriage is over or not Well maybe that’s the first thing he needs to do is sort that out and if his marriage isn’t over but she feel she needs her families support maybe he needs to move to be with his family in Florida
Maybe I ve read it all wrong do put me right if so

Can you imagine how hard it is to cope with triplets? If your son can't manage to organise his life enough to take a couple of days off to fly to Florida to see his children on Christmas day then I don't suppose he gives her alot of support day to day. She needs support and her mother is giving it to her.

You want the "firsts" the "special" days, have you thought about night feeds, nappy changes, the sheer exhausting slog of it all? Maybe you need to look at your attitude.

If I have understood your post correctly, this Christmas was the first in four years your son managed to see his own children, no doubt it took a lot of planning and expense to do so. I would not have expected to have seen them even on face time. Your son and his children are losing out because for some reason because his wife prefers to be with her mother.. I feel so sorry for him, he is faced with the prospect of losing his wife and children. I know it must be upsetting for you, but I think your son is suffering, I would not add to that burden, he needs support getting through this himself. Your dil for some reason is not coping. Her own mother must be concerned but she knows she has to support her daughter. A very unhappy position for all concerned. If the pair split up, no doubt your son will have rights and get to be with his children for holidays etc. Know it must be so hard for you and dh but really your son and his family have to come first. It is hard not seeing your grandchildren I know from experience, I can never get that time back, it's gone, neither can you. You do have your husband, try to enjoy your time with him, it's even worse when you don't.

Jealousy (wishing negative karma on a mother of triplets) is corrosive. I wonder if your negative feelings have shown through and that's why your DiL avoids you.

Chris so sorry to hear you are not seeing much of your lovely triplet GC, but your Son not having them on Christmas morning is not on, as you say, your d.i.l doesn't think of her husband's feelings at all and I'm sure the C would have wanted to be with their father at Christmas too. Your Son must have felt terribly sad on Xmas morning!

You are right not to say too much, as if your Son & d.i.l do split up, you want to try to get/keep on good terms with her, so as to continue seeing the GC. How old are they?
Good luck