Advice on worrying about your parents

Luckygirl I am in a similar but milder situation, DH has a few health problems, although he has improved recently but DD, in particular, worries about him and worries about me worrying about him. If you see what I mean.

"My worry is: my children worrying about me" - M0nica, that was what I was about to say!

I know the children worry about us and I do not like it one bit - OH is unwell and they worry about him and about me getting exhausted.

I really do not want them wasting their lives worrying about us - that is not what I took all that trouble to bring them up for!

So sorry to read of your concerns, Wilmaknickersfit , but understand them completely. My OH always says if worry helps then worry, Which I don’t find works for me even though I see what he means , so instead I allow my self ‘worry time’ I go over the what ifs & all the scenarios & then come full circle knowing I don’t have any control over anyone or anything except to some degree myself. So then I put my worry time away until another day.I think it is maybe more prevalent in people who have had to shoulder responsiblity from a young age.

Wilma
and others worrying about your parents. You all sound so caring and your parents are not realy alone, you could be there like a shot if they needed you. Think what they would have said to you years ago, they wouldn't want you worried, no one knows the future so just make the most of today.i

My worry is: my children worrying about me, and more still, being unable to adjust to my death.

Death is inevitable, in most cases our parents will predecease us. I talk quite openly about life when I am gone, take it as given that I will never see any great grandchildren etc etc. 'When I am gone' is a phrase that trips out of both DH's mouth and mine frequently and casually, so that it is something DC (and DGC) accept as happening some day.

I think the best way to stop worrying about our parents, is facing up to our own mortality and talking about it openly and casually to our own children/ contemporaries etc. It will probably help those who are parents as well as children to adjust to the almost certain knowledge that they will outlive their parents.

Having a plan is a good thing - that is one less thing to worry about.

Jalima we have discussed what would happen if she lost my Step-Dad and she's likely to move back near me. We've not got the room so she'd have to find somewhere else, but I suspect she'd rent a sheltered flat. She's still got friends here, so that won't be a problem, although I suppose it depends on how far in the future it might be. She'd be able to see the rest of the family more often too which she would love.

I'm only 64, but realised recently that I'm now at a time of life when I go to more funerals than weddings. My beloved parents in law are both in their 80's and have had some recent major scares and a deterioration of their general health. I - and they - are now more conscious that their time is limited and this awareness causes me to try to prepare myself for their deaths, but I don't know if that's really possible. I love them very much and our lives have been intertwined to the extent that we are very, very close. They are my advisors, my comforters, my encouragers and my greatest friends. Life without them in it would be very different, but I know it will come, so when I find myself thinking of that time it spurs me on to make the most of the present and to be very glad for the time we have. But I am to think of life without them.

Thank you so much for all your kind and thoughtful replies. My Mum and I are as bad as each other at worrying about each other! She worries about me and my health too and we both have to winkle the whole story out of each other sometimes. We're both guilty of not telling the other about something that's going on health wise (I'm doing it at the moment). I suspect my own health concerns have been partly responsible for my starting to worry about losing my family. It's just not like me not to reason or rationalise worrying about something I can't do anything about. I'm no longer a religious person, but I even go to church with her and thank God for keeping her safe - the rest of my family too.

I love the quotes and the wise words in your posts. I just need to practice what I preach and start doing the things I would suggest to friends and family if they were feeling the same.

I'm so glad I posted about this and really do appreciate all your advice and kindness.

DM used to say 'don't meet trouble halfway' and 'don't cross your bridges until you get to them'
I also just saw this one: Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~Leo Buscaglia

all of which, of course, is easier said than done.
I think we do reach a point where we start to worry about our parents but we sometimes forget that they are people who have lived long, experienced a lot (probably more than us as DH's and mine lived through the war years) and are stronger than we think mentally, if not physically.
We tried to persuade MIL to change certain ways of living but she insisted she would carry on as she always had, so we carried on worrying about her falling down the stairs which, in fact, she never did.

If your mother was left on her own would she come to live with you or would she be happier staying where she knows best and where she knows people and has other family?

I can't advise you on how to stop worrying, sorry, as I am a worrier too.

However - I do not want my children to worry about us and I know that they have started to do that. Should we tell them about every appointment, every ailment, or not tell them and find that they get rather cross if/when they find out?

Perhaps discussing it with your mother would help? What she thinks, what her plans would be if she was left on her own? They may have discussed all this between themselves (but don't want to worry you in fact).

www.quotegarden.com/worry.html

Wilma, I do understand, I lived across the road from my parents but still worried, I feared the day they would not be there too.

My elder daughter started worrying about me when I was about 50 ! Living in the same town . She talked openly about it, feared me not being there for her, planned my old age bless her. I would move in with her and her husband , no way would I go into a home etc. She is now dead and come any infirmities I will have to cope on my own.

Make a few decisions as to what you would do should your darling Mother become ill then live in the present , enjoy talking to her, loving her , we cannot control future events my love , if only we could.

Hugs x

My parents died at what would now be considered a fairly young age for retired people - I have overtaken them both in longevity - and we were living abroad at the time that my mother was very ill, so there was very little I could do to be on hand to help, but they had both my sisters living locally. We didn’t have the benefit of Skype or Facetime then and they never had a phone. I did manage to fly home with the children to see my mother before she died and it weighed heavily on me that I had not been able to do more to help.
Like Welshwife my DD is tending to worry more about us recently. Though we are both pretty fit, she is always sending me links to nutrition, exercise, wellbeing and is about to foist onto generously donate to me one of her redundant Fitbits which I will of course wear religiously ??! The last thing I want either of my children to do is to worry about us; they have enough stuff of their own to worry about. And our worrying about them comes with the territory but not the other way about! Concerns about mortality - yours and everyone else’s - will inevitably slap you in the face from time to time. Try not to let them take you over.

Sufficient unto the day is the worry thereof, Wilma, or platitudinous words to that effect. Easier said than done of course, but try to shut that worry up in a little box in your brain and not open it until you have to. You have a lovely mum with a happy life, and a great loving relationship with her, and with luck this will be the case for many, many years to come. Just keep in constant touch as you are doing, leave her in no doubt that you love her, and give her the biggest hug every time you leave her, as that will be the moment you remember when the inevitable happens. I ran back from the car to give my mum an extra cuddle the last time I visited, and that was a comfort to me later.

I'm an only child and felt the responsibility of my parents very much - especially as they lived 250 miles away. At that time I was very unwell myself which added to the strain. When Dad died I set up a care programme for my mum but it took some while to get what we wanted and I read up as much as possible on what was available, how to get it, costs etc and I must say it paid off. Having the knowledge even though I wasn't nearby to jump in in an emergency was really useful and I'd recommend it to anyone even if their parents are not as far away. It does reduce the worry - though I must admit I'm a worrier anyway; but it did help. I still think I could have done more for my mum - but I guess we all think that. I did what I could at the time and have learned to accept that.

I am on the other end of this debate - my DD worries all the time about us - I tell her that is not how she should live her life and it annoys the heck out of me that she does worry -I am sure her brother worries too but he is less able to do anything living across the Atlantic.
When my own mother was ill and then recovering from breast cancer I worried all the time. I phoned frequently and visited weekly - My father had only retired a year or so when she was ill. I had two school age children. I woke up one night and was thinking about things and went through the list of things I was worried about and asked my self if there was anything I could do about each one. The answer was no to everyone. I then decided it was doing me no good at all worrying about these things as I could do nothing. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I have never worried so much about anything since.
My mother lived for another twenty years despite the doctors fears when she had her operation and was 88 when she died. Because I had ceased to worry so much I was able to enjoy their company etc for all the time I had her and my father - they died three weeks apart which was a bit of a shock but better for them. That was twenty two years ago but I still miss them and often dream about them.

It's really difficult isn't it Wilma? I think most of us worry about mortality, our own and losing those close to us, but somehow manage to put it on the back burner. I think it's an inevitable part of being human, but worry can blight your life, I know as like Day6 I am a prize worrier. Day6 has given some excellent advice, and although it sounds a cliche "living in the moment" is the only way to manage it I find. I almost had a breakdown last year worrying about my mother, but in the end just had to try and think that practically I would do what I could and try not to spend time mentally going down the worst case scenario route. Comfortingly often the things we worry about never happen. I have found meditation helps me to just try to stay in the present.

We are now in our 80's but I truly don't think our C worry about us much.
I have always been very independent, a tough old bird really, and I think we are not expected to change. I don't want them to worry, I want them to get on with their own difficult lives ( both have problems) and not have the added burden of us..
Stop worrying Wilma enjoy what you have and trust them to tell you when they need help.
Be realistic and accept they will not be with you forever, that is inescapable. Once you have acknowledged it, put it right to the back of your mind and live life to the full.

wilma I was very touched by the love you expressed in your OP and it set me thinking about whether I had worried enough about mine. Living 350 miles away from them meant I could not do the frequent short visits or popping in which we all would have liked but even so, with 3 children and a job I realise I often failed to be there or ring them as often as I might have. Those regrets will be with me for ever. Yes I loved them and cared, but did I show it enough?
Your parents are very lucky to have such a caring daughter and all I would add is try not to worry about things you cannot affect. Respect the fact that they are independent and be grateful that they do have active, fulfilled lives.
If or when the time comes when they are more dependent on you, there will be plenty of opportunity to translate your love into practicalities. But in the meantime live with what is possible and do not beat yourself up or feel that you should be doing more.
Facing up to our parents’ mortality is part of the natural progression of life, but given their active lives, it sounds as if your mum and stepdad will be with you for many more years to come. Enjoy that time!

Hit, not bit,

I guess we all bit that stage eventually when we are faced with the ageing and inevitable death of beloved parents. They’ve always been there and one day they won’t be. And we move up the list so obviously our own mortality comes into the equation. Mentally we have to adjust and there’s not quick solution to this. It’s another stage of life. But, do you really want to spend the next few years worrying rather than making the most of your shared time? Worry when things happen, don’t waste time worrying that that they might.

PS we do hope to make it well into our 80!!

Wilma I’m about the same age as your parents so looking at it from the other point of view. Yes, we are confronting our own mortality with the difficulties life is starting to throw at us. Starts off with little aches and pains and health problems.

So now I’m wondering (worrying?) if my own children feel as you do. If so they don’t show it, but do include us in their lives when they can, which is what you seem to be doing albeit at a distance of 300 miles.

Easier said than done but try to put the worry on the back burner and carry on having the best relationship you can with your mum and letting her know how you feel about her. As others have said you can’t halt the progress of time.

But listen carefully too when you talk together and see if she wants to discuss what will happen when she or her partner passes. My DH and I have discussed this together but not with our children, though we have given them copies of our wills and LPA in case of getting ‘past it’.

Wilma that's excellent advice from Day6. Your mum and step dad sound to be enjoying their lives and yes they have health problems but could live for years yet. The distance between you is possibly a big factor here as you are not physically near enough to keep an eye on them every day. Do you Skype or Face Time them regularly - there are lots of gadgets on the market now too where you can both have cameras to drop in on each other which might help. Don't dwell on what might be - concentrate on what is - they are happy and active and hopefully not aware you're worrying but I bet your mum worries about you just as much! My parents were in their mid 80's and still playing golf regularly - inevitably time took it's toll but until then they were very happy. Enjoy the time you manage to spend with them and don't think too far into the future.

Great post Day6 and I agree with all you say.

My parents went to live on an island 300 miles away from me when they were both in their early 70s, to be near my big brother, (who was the apple of their eye). I felt abandoned for a long time but adjusted to the distance eventually and saw them when I could. My own children were never close to them as they saw them so infrequently but I have learned from that and made sure we have always been close to our own grandchildren.

They both lived to 93 and enjoyed their life on the island. I could not do anything much to help them in their old age and infirmity but my brother did look after their welfare needs.

I suppose it depends on your family circumstances and if your Mum has any other family near her to help if needed. Other than that, would it be possible for her to come and live nearer to you? Would she want to?

I hope you can find some peace of mind Wilma and cross bridges as you come to them and not before!

(((Hugs))) Wilma!

I'm a worrier, too. What (sometimes) helps me is to remember that worrying won't solve anything. When you find yourself worrying, give yourself a time limit (say 20 minutes) in which to worry and then get your mind on something else.

Beyond that, I second Day6's advice.