Decreasing World

Interesting to hear your thoughts ladies. My hubby is the one with health issues, but I’m the one that doesn’t like going out. I don’t really have much excuse, maybe just lazy because once I’m out and there, I generally enjoy the outing very much. Listening to what you have said has made me think, I need to make the effort. If I can get up and go to work then I can shake my feathers and we can go out and have some fun. Too easy to get into the habit of staying in. Thanks for sharing ???

Oh dear! It's the other way round in our house. I'm the one who finds it hard to go out and do stuff. I've been unwell for some time but am gradually returning to a degree of normality so hopefully the tide will turn. The problem I have is that I'm happy to do one thing but then DH wants to add to it little realising I suppose that it's taking me a lot of effort to do just the one thing. And yes, I have said so but I feel mean doing so. As a result we tend to do our own thing which - looking at it positively - does mean we have lots to talk about.

Join th4e clan. My OH has a chronic illness and is unable to go out hardly at all and has no wish whatsoever to go anywhere or do anything. And this is not just since he has degenerated so badly in the last few years - this has been going on for ages. If ever I suggested we go anywhere or do anything he would look at me as if I had proposed throwing ourselves off a cliff; although sometimes when I persuaded him to go, he enjoyed himself.

I gave up even trying in the end and have got used to going to things alone or with friends. He is now much iller and not really able to do much, but he missed out on a lot when he was well enough. He also has crippling anxiety and the slightest activity suggested results in a very long list of "But what if...?"s - and he now worries about me doing anything.

I think all you can do is accept the situation, make a bit of a life outside the home for yourself, and ignore all your friends dashing about as a couple - I used to find that bit hard!

It's such a lonely place to be is'nt it. I went through a similar experience during the last few years of my marraige and I guess that many women can relate to this. In my case my husband was not older but depressed. In retrospect, even though my husband was not willing to seek help I should have found someone for me to talk to. It would have helped me deal with my own feelings and loneliness. Like you I did build a life for myself outside my marraige but this did not compensate for the estrangement and loneliness within our marraige that had until then been long lasting, strong and supportive.

You do have a life of your own but I am guessing you want more from your marraige as well. My advice would be to seek some form of counselling to deal with your own feelings and take it from there.

My husband died last year and I now wish I had been more gentle and understanding although he had become a bad tempered, angry old man who refused to seek help.

Just to put my situation in context. We haven’t been out together since before Xmas. He has declined to see any of the movies I wanted to see. He was ill on New Years Eve and is ill in bed again today so that meeting up with Friends has been cancelled yet again. And yes, I think he is depressed and , no, he won’t talk to anyone. I’m off to the supermarket. Have a good weekend.

I think I am in a similar situation SJP . My husband isn’t a lot older than me but he has been ill for the last 11 years. I still get frustrated and upset but I simply make my own arrangements and go to Theatre, Cinema and exhibitions with friends. I also have dinner dates with them and I go on holiday with Friends or my daughter. Life hasn’t turned out how I thought it would but I am just trying to make the best of it. I spend a lot of my life caring for him, my mother and my GC and have decided I also have to do what I need to do. I would advise you to continue doing what you are doing and also join some groups that will give you New Friends and outlets. I know there are some saints out there who would disagree but you deserve a life even if it isn’t the one you thought you would get.

SJP I think you will find many who recognise this syndrome. It would seem to be fairly common as we age that many become like this.

Well done on finding your own interests to take the edge off your loneliness and frustration at the lack on togetherness.

If you need something to love that will love you back unconditionally get a dog perhaps.

I believe this is a communication issue.
You say your husband will not discuss your concerns - this might be as he feels guilty and unable to easily resolve the many issues you outline.
Physically he may very wish he was much younger and grieve the lost intimacy of the past. He may feel he is no longer the "man" he once was, and your understanding and kindness is needed.
Eighty is it itself an achievement and you must remind yourself of how you might feel physically at that age. He is doing all the housework, are you showing your appreciation for that?
He has now likely accepted that you have formed your own life, and may in fact be unhappy or even depressed, and feel that he is not worthy of joining in or might be a burden to your choice of activities.
I suggest some gentle joint therapy - you need to understand aging, and he needs to understand what you need to have a satisfactory life.