Turning a blind eye

@MamaCaz Oestrogen works, beautifully!

We are all different but I'd see my husband having sex with another woman as a betrayal. I always always believe one relationship should be over before another is begun.

Do not blame yourself because you don't want sex. This is a common problem and something couples should talk about. I'd hope sex wasn't the only benefit of being married. I imagine there are thousands of marriages, especially those of older couples. where libido is incompatible. They do not seek others to fulfil a need but find ways around it. Love should keep you together. I may be old fashioned but there aren't three people in a marriage.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Your dh wants sex as part of his marriage and your sex drive is low now. If you don't want penerative sex would he be happy with a BJ or hand relief? Could you manage that say once or twice a week? If so he could masterbate other days. Or does he want the emotional closeness he may be getting from his mistress. You may think you can turn a blind eye but will it not eat away at you when he takes her out to your favourite restaurant? Will he want to take her on holiday instead of you? You need to think about what you could manage to do, what you could ignore and then sit down together and talk honestly. Good luck I hope you find a solution you can both live with.

What a lot of ignorance is being shown here about loss of labido. I am fuming!

Lie back and think of England? I hope some of you never experience what many women do - where even with treatment, the vagina remains so dry that penetration is almost impossible, and even if achieved, is agonizingly painful. With the best will in the world, it is extremly unpleasant, and coupled with the total loss of labido, there simply is no will any more, If you haven't experienced this, you haven't a clue.

Those who find that treatments and therapies work for them are very lucky, but they do not work for everyone, I promise you.

I think what worries me about all this is your assumption that if you keep quiet things will stay as they are. How did you find out, is he likely to have any idea you know. You must take all the usual steps to make sure you are protecting yourself as he could turn round one day and announce he is moving out, is this what you really want? If you are not long past the menopause then he must feel he can't face years and years with no sex life. Do you know the other woman, she may be hoping he will leave and be with her. If all was well before the menopause get thinking.

Why not? If they can, and they want to.

Why should anyone "turn a blind eye" to infidelity?

Me again. Forgot to say that once you have that conversation with your husband, then things will change. There is no putting the cat back in the bag! There will be some emotional fall out.

We have discussed the sex angle before! I think that if one of the partners in the relationship needs and wants sex, then the other partner needs to accommodate this- either through some sort of sex (lots of options for this!) Or through turning an eye to an affair. We can't just pretend that it is not part of a long term relationship; unless that was the initial premise. So O.P. you have to decide what you can live with. However I would say that if you decide to turn a blind eye, then I would recommend that you think of putting some money aside in a separate bank account. Just in case. I wish you well.

You may think you have a happy and comfortable life, clearly your husband does not if he has to find comfort with another woman. You have not indicated whether you have consulted your GP about your loss of libido. I read it that you would prefer to remain as you are, although I may be wrong.
You need to prepare yourself for your husband deciding to leave as sex is a very strong bond. He is probably in love with the OW and unless you sort out your marriage you may be left far from " happy and comfortable".
I would be devastated to find out my OH had a sexual relationship with another woman and would be preparing to sort out our problems or kick him out if he refused to end it.

Definitely tackle him about the situation. You are making excuses for him already! High sex drive isn't the be all and end all of a marriage. Did he tell you this or are you guessing his motives for starting an affair.

He can't have his cake and eat it
He is either married to you and between you- try to get over the sex issue or he's off with the other women and she can do his laundry as well as please him sexually.

When my DH retired he took over a lot of household tasks. Now he’s getting older and hi ps eyesight is too I do the driving after dark if we are out and about then. Just teamworking, sharing the load, helping each other out, whatever you want to call it.

Those exact words weren't used, but the outcome is the same, which my friend was horrified by, thinking that kind of approach was old fashioned thinking etc. As you say though, a partnership has to take into account both partners needs, with compromise on both parts.

Whilst I wouldn’t recommend the lie back and think of England approach (rather than the equally out of date “lie back and think of Hugh Grant”) is giving sexually so very different from helping him clean the car, or ironing a shirt? Aren’t these all ways of communicating a caring and sharing attitude within an intimate relationship such a short marriage?

My friend, who recently (2 years ago) went for marriage counselling with her husband was advised to 'lay back and think of England'.
The counsellor thought it was quite unreasonable to expect years to pass without sex taking place due to one person having gone off the idea.

As so many have already said you need to think about how you would deal with any of the possible outcomes. Especially the worst possible outcome for you.

Also like it or not while ever the situation is not acknowledge he is not only cheating on you but on all your family and friends.

How would he feel if he were to admit and be open about this "other relationship" to the people who are important to him about it?

So often the appeal of the "other relationships" is the risk, the fantasy that it's exciting when a sober look at the situation shows the damage that it's doing to lots of souls as I'm sure you are well aware.

I am so sad that you find yourself in this situation.

Take Care of You. Do the very best for you. It's not selfish to take care of you at this time, it's self valuing.

I wish you the best possible outcome for you.

I've just read through this thread and was relieved to see the post from Mumsyface. None of us have a right to anything much, do we? Sex in a loving relationship is a joy but it isn't the case, as is often said, that all sexual problems can be mended. I don't believe that desire for sex is an acceptable reason to be unfaithful, if the relationship was previously based on fidelity.
I'm not judging anyone else's way of life but I couldn't continue to live with my partner if he was having an affair. He'd have to go live somewhere else, devastating though that would be. I have had experience of the damage caused by affairs and that influences how I feel.

It’s interesting to me that current thinking seems to suggest that we all have a need for and a right to sex. Lots of people all over the world (have to?) live happily without it for a range of reasons, and have done since time immemorial. Just like there are people all over the world who manage to live without chocolate, or a car, or holidays abroad.
I’m not specifically recommending this, or passing judgement on it, just making an observation. This brings into question why people have affairs, and that might be what the OP might want to consider.

dancingQueen doesn't sound particularly in pieces over the whole thing, so she might as well just turn a blind eye, since it seems that she's able to do so. Not everyone can, some people would be beside themselves with jealousy. I guess the outcome may depend ultimately on whether her husband is the sort who is perfectly content to stay living at home his wife, while having a "bit on the side" or whether he's going to fall hopelessly in love with the other woman and move in with her. If the OP can get a feel for that it might help her to decide what to do.

Oh dear DQ, I've been through this and I wouldn't wish it on an enemy. How can you know whether it's a passing infatuation or are they biding their time and deciding when to tell you he's leaving?

I won't lie, divorce is a life-shattering and cruel way to deal with relationship problems. I would never have shared him and I loved him beyond all measure, but he'd betrayed me with my former friend. It had to be the end for me.

Love yourself enough to choose the life you want to have. Free from doubts and fears. You have remained true to your vows. He has chosen not to. If you truly believe that if you could have a good sex life with him he would end the affair, why not investigate counselling and sex therapy?

Whatever you decide, it's going to take a lot of courage. Be brave.

Hugs for you, as I reckon you could use a few at the moment.

I know someone who has been having a relationship with her highschool sweetheart for at least ten years. She is married to a man 16 years her senior, who is now in his later eighties but still fit and active. The other man is a widower. She sees him twice a week on the pretext that she needs the time for herself with no questions asked. She claims that this relationship has saved her marriage. She also claims her husband doesn't know but he is a smart man and I don't believe it. Seems all her friends know about him and his family think they are a couple. Makes me feel uncomfortable. Is this how you envision your future as the one who doesn't know and everyone feels sorry for? I say tell him you know and you can both decide if that's the way you want to go. Best of luck.

dancingQ63 The 'menopause'. should not or does not stop a woman enjoying a sex life. If the act itself causes discomfort there is help and if experiencing other menopausal issues then your GP will prescribe these for you too.You mention your husband has always had a high sex drive. Had you previously enjoyed this or put up with it.? Sex, like food, can become disinteresting if its the same menu day in day out.Don't, if you really love your husband, just hand him over to another. If he has feelings for you and any man who still loves his partner as much now as he did in previous years will want to get back the person he married. Does he know you are aware of his affair and do you know who the other person is ? Put your cards on the table tell H you know what is going on and if you both! want your previous life back suggest that together you get professional help.By ignoring what H is doing is not an option. Can you live like that day in day out ? Get professional advice ie marriage guidance. Going on your own to start with. Take it from there. Don't give up.

I think you should do whatever brings you peace (as far as you can)
It doesn't matter what other people think or would do: do what you need to do, for yourself. Even if you think you may be able to turn a blind eye, it wouldn't hurt to think about what may happen if you change your mind in the future.

Agree with Juggernaut he doesn't respect you so respect yourself!