Husbands affair and now moved out. Struggling.

I've just come across this thread. Mumsnet has a common bit of advice - ltb, leave the bastard. It seems Gransnet now has ctl, change the locks.

Yep, definitely ask your dad.....

Yes, spot on, Norah! If he has been playing around, who knows what he might have picked up? Even if he's only been with the 2 other women, one never knows. Some stds are more common than others. One of these women could have even got something quite "innocently," trusting the man as she trusted your dh. But that doesn't make it any less of a concern for you. I hope the results are "negative," but please trust your dad to know what to do.

What?

???

Perhaps you may consider changing the locks and going to a look for diseases?

Denil, I am sorry but it's not rare by all accounts so don't blame yourself for not seeing through him. He's obviously very devious and clever at deceiving people and is able to wear a mask.
I went through something similiar. I have been blissfully married to my now husband for 12 years so once you get through the shock of it and get back on your feet, there is life after it. You are well rid of him. Your trust will have been shattered and it will take time to rebuild it. The sense of disbelief and betrayal is enormously crippling at times and you may well feel a sens of bereavement because it is a huge loss. You thought you were married to someone who was trustworthy and you've had a shock. You probably would need to sell the house anyway..............would you really want to carry on living under such a cloud in the same place with all those memories? It's best to start afresh and reinvent yourself.
Sell up, get rid of all his things, throw out anything you bought together, stick with your female friends and give yourself time to recover from it all. Eventually you'll get your sense of balance and trust back. Just deal with things one day at a time. xx

Change the locks pronto. He sure is greedy when it comes to women. You are bound to be frightened and concerned about your future and angry that you have been taken in but you may be sure not all of his conquests will take it like you have when realising they are just one of a number. Do you have any family who you can talk to ?Don't bottle it up as that is the worst thing you can do.

"Why this assumption that anybody including crazyH... necessarily wants to “meet somebody else”?"

In crazy's case, she complained that her x is at events with his new dw while she has to come alone. Also, she bemoaned the fact that she didn't reach out for a new relationship years ago. That certainly sounds to me like she would like a new dh or bf. I would understand if she didn't, but it seems to me she does.

Why this assumption that anybody including crazyH or Denil1963 necessarily wants to “meet somebody else”?
“Once bitten, twice shy” also springs to mind.

Crazy, maybe there's still a chance for you to meet someone else. Don't give up hope!

Perhaps you should avoid family gatherings where he and his new w are there and see your ac and gc separately? If that won't work, then please try just to enjoy them and ignore x and w as much as possible.

Didn't Denil say that she alone owns the house? Just that he didn't give back the keys yet? So she can go ahead and change the locks.

Denil, I think you've gotten great advice here. I'm just so sorry this happened to you. (((Hugs)))

Of course you're struggling. I don't think it would be normal if you weren't. This must have all been such a shock and so painful!

"How could I have been so fooled in 12 years ?"

The other women were fooled, too. He must be a charmer and a master manipulator. Don't be hard on yourself. It's NOT your fault.

Please reach out to family and friends for support and keep talking with us. We're here for you!

As Welshwife said being alone is not so bad in reality.
Change the locks. Don't beat yourself up . Your identity dates back from before you met your husband and it's that nice person whom you are.

Agree with you Chelseababy but that didn't stop my ex changing the locks on family home after I'd left and nobody did anything about it , it's not enforceable . It made it very difficult for me to go back and get some things as I'd left in a hurry with only clothes and a few essentials. We didn't sell the house in the divorce settlement he bought me out and stayed there.

Oh yes, far better to know, startingover. Best to clear the air before it starts dragging on. Nice to have a good friendship out of it, too.

Well, MissAdventure, we had a chance for a chat early this evening as it turned out and we’ve agreed we’re ‘just good friends’ and that’s how it’ll stay. Am happy to have cleared the air, to be honest.

If the house is jointly owned you cannot (legally?) change the locks without the other owners consent.

Oh yes, put your foot down with a firm hand! sod being messed about.

Interesting, MissAdventure, and thanks for sharing that. Not prepared to put up with it. I gave my all to my (ex) husband in a long marriage, and I've decided I'm now well and truly in the driving seat!

Oh, I remember that thread. I was interested to see how it went because I had a partner who blew hot and cold for far longer than I should have allowed.

Wanted to add that my house, too, is on the market (part of divorce settlement - I get the greater share once it is sold). Looking for a new home is stressful, but my approach is that I don't have anyone to consider now and can choose - and make - a new home myself. I can invite whom I please into it - or not, as the case may be.
Anniepops - totally agree with your post, especially 'put yourself on that pedestal and stay there'. Going to remember that myself!
Some of you may have seen my post in a separate thread ('Confused') about my seeing (tentatively) someone else. We had dinner at mine over the weekend, but he's been blowing hot and cold for a while and this week I haven't heard from him. Not going to degrade myself by chasing!

Change the locks. You were fooled because you loved him, how could you have know his double life? You can and will make a good life for yourself even if you do have to sell the house you can get something thing smaller and will make a home. ? You deserve better than him.

Some great advice already given, so just wanted to send you some kind thoughts as you begin a new chapter in your life

My heart goes out to you as I have been in a similar position myself. I'm so glad I let my head rule my heart once I discovered my ex husband's affair. It was all so painful but I'm so pleased I ended the marriage as soon as I could. You are worth more than a liar and a cheat. Put yourself on that pedestal and stay there. It's so sad to think because we are kind and trusting we can be open to such abuse. Be strong and get through this as your life can only get better without this man.

Everything that has been said above.

Being alone is strange at first but also strangely liberating.

At the moment you're in shock and grief so don't make any important decisions unless you have to. The two things I would stress is that you should change the locks and protect your money.